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Wednesday, June 30, 2004


With the rallying cry "Remember June 11th!" still ringing in our ears and "Retreat!" on our minds, Monz grabs his bayonet and yells "Charge!" "Chicken Kabob from Sammy's." Say what? The most dangerous beast known to the gastriointestinal tract from the illest (and we mean that in a bad way homes) joint in town? Monz wouldn't hear our protest: "I don't subscribe to that, I don't subscribe to that. That's just wrong."

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Hungry Man!

We don't question, we just report: Wendy's, for a:

single burger,
crispy chicken,
baked potato w/ sour cream,
coke or diet coke, and
taco salad.

At least that's what's in the picturegram Monz sent us!

Monday, June 28, 2004

Mouse House!

If you ever find yourself in Deerfield, check out the "mouse house" (also called the "pie house") on the southwest corner of Hazel and Chestnut. A two story house built on a small-wedged shaped lot, one side of the house is only 3 feet wide!!! Or you can just look here.

We're reminded of this abode-a-la-mode by the cheese ("of some sort") in Monz' Monday Jewel Tyranny, which otherwise consists of a ham and turkey sandwich

Friday, June 25, 2004

Who Was That Mascked Man?!

A certainDeerfield, Illinois restaurant is about to open a downtown location. Monz couldn't tell you very much about the place -- definitely not that it's pricey, very tasty, but might make you violently ill. Monz has never been there so how would he know? Never, ever been there, got it? And Monz got a small amaretto bbq pork, 50th-state rice, and veggie egg roll, all from the China Chef!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Lunch of Concience!

In protest of Steak & Shake's attempt to claim ownership of the term "Steakburger"(tm), Monz orders a turkey club! And medium banana shake. Let that be a warning to you Steak and Shake!

Update: saleswimpy sent a check, but in the past they have bounced, so...

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Existential Crisis!

Monz is contemplating the larger role of food in the smaller role of the cosmos (him). What this may mean for Monz is more chicken and salads and less red meat. What this definitely means for Monz is that today he's having grilled chicken caesar salad from Bennigans. What this portends for us you would have to ask Bacchus.

The editors can report the following: the architectural changes they made at New Comiskey/Cellular field are pretty impressive -- the place looks and feels infinitely closer to a "real" ballpark than it used to. In other words, it's tolerable. Lime and cheese is not the tastiest combo for your "cut corn fresh from the cob" selection. Speaking of limes, they now provide them at the "Beers of the World" booth. Polish with onions: well cooked (sausage)/sufficiently grilled (onions). Nachos left something to be desired. Security was really on their game last night -- not only did they repeatedly bust suburban hoodabees in the stands, we saw them chase away the bucket kids outside on the sidewalk (boy can those bucket kids run fast, even while carrying their buckets!).

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Go White Sox!

We wanted to call this entry "order in the court!" except that Monz placed his orders [sic] outside of court! First it was going to be two Portillos dogs, no yuns. But then da judge didn't show up, so Monz couldn't tell it to him! At this point in the story our minds drifted, but somehow there was a change of plans and an order was placed for 2 dogs, no yuns, but with everthing else(including lemon-pickled cabage) from Jeff's. We'd also like you to know that Monz said something very funny to us that would be worthy of title, but we have a strict noncanibalism policy here at MYL so we can't. Think Twighlight Zone.

As one of the editors is going to the game tonight, we thought we'd update you on the Dusty vs. Ozzie contest at Subway. The Trib reports it's not even close -- the Ozzie Southsider (roast beef, turkey, bacon, special sauce) is trouncing the Dusty Northsider (ham, peperoni, mustard) by a 4-1 margin. It's no mystery: it's pretty durn hard to even /taste/, let alone distinguish, a Subway sandwich these days. After the bread, mound of lettuce, and submarine sandwich crap they toss in, you probably wouldn't notice if they forgot the meat altogether! With the Southsider you can at least taste the bacon and make out the sauce. That said, we suspect the Northsider was doomed from the start: peperoni has limited appeal and Dusty's "I like it -- if you don't like it, don't eat it" tude doesn't have us reaching for our wallets. And there's always The Man (Damn that Man!).

Monday, June 21, 2004


First, to update Friday's lunch, Monz made it to DQ for a grilled chicken salad and chocolate malt. Awful - there was an organic remnant of another kind of chick, if you get our drift. Three bites and out! Today is Jewel Tyranny Monday and if you could only hear the heartbreak in Monz' voice as he choked out the words: chicken...ham...cheddar.

Few places better epitomize the Brothers of the Circle Eye than Iowa City, Iowa. Everywhere you look are statues of angry doves (technically hawks, but they definitely are angry/not happy). Over the weekend the editors ventured to the fabled prairie oasis and were well-pleased by what they found. Downtown has a walking mall with rubber-chicken stores and one of the last great indie bookstores,(though this was the only place where people showed us any 'tude). The campus runs along the picturesque Iowa River. Lunch was at the famed "greasiest of the greasy spoons," where we had a very-greasy-indeed burger, fries, and a "pie shake" (pie and milk all in one -- we had the Boston Creme). On the way there we stopped by the Herbert Hoover Museum. Lots of great artifacts, but the revisionist historians failed to sway us. And who could resist the world's largest truck stop? We highly recommend IC for a long day-trip, though honesty compels us to note our general sense of "Madison light" - the walking mall is smaller and less bizarre, fewer bookstores, the ismuth is more picturesque than the riverfront (nice as it is), the lefty campus politics not as in-your-face, etc. Oh, one more culinary note, the Bread Garden downtown lived up to its billing for great soup -- one of the few post-"Soup Nazi" establishments we know to do so. We wish we could have had more but we had to save room for the spoon.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Unhappy Camper!

Monz is on the road and none to happy about it. Lunch prospects are bleak, the only slim hope is to liven things up a bit by finding a Dairy Queen rather than another trip to the Way. "Please," said the Monz, "I beseech you -- give them something interesting to read." (Or something like that).

Well, in light of positive feedback we received earlier in the week, here is another cover letter excerpt from the land that Monz forgot:

"At school he is a student of advertising, on the streets of Chicago he is a student of culture and memes. This is Advertising, finding that elusive why. Charles understand [sic] the nuances of culture, the relativity of trends, the impact of memes. He is all of us and one of us, he is the Cultural Chameleon."

["Memes: A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another." - curiosity editor]


Thursday, June 17, 2004

We Hate Salesmen!

Today's lunch is a turkey honey ham oat sub from the way. Kinda like a salad on bread! The result? Warm and yummy.

But more importantly, did salesman dude ever pay for those pizza's he foisted on an unsuspecting staff at Monz' place? Nope. Like Popeye's Wimpy, he never did pay for those burgers on Tuesday, happily or unhappily! By coincidence, one of the editors had a nasty online chat encounter yesterday with an efax representative. Here are some exerpts:

You are now chatting with 'Rick S'
Rick S: Welcome to the Interactive Online Sales Team. I'm Rick, your online Sales Representative. I can help you get a dedicated local or toll-free fax number of your choice, capable of sending and receiving faxes via email. How may I assist you today?
MYL: Hi Rick -- in the past I recall seeing something about using our efax numbers for voice mail but I can't find any info on the site. Am I remembering wrong or just looking in the wrong place?
Rick S: The voice mail feature has been discontinued for eFax. You can sign for a j2 number and have the voice mail service. j2 is the parent company of eFax.
Rick S: When you sign up for a j2 account, you get a j2 number where people can send faxes and voice mails to you. The faxes and voice mails received at your j2 number are then forwarded to your email address as an attachment.
Rick S: I will explain the pricing to you.
Rick S: The basic cost of jConnect Premier is $15 per month. A one-time activation fee of $15 is also applied during the first month of service.
Rick S: If you need time to consider the service, we can offer you a plan where you receive the first 30 days free and then roll into the annual plan. With our specially discounted Annual plan, you get 2 months of service free and we also waive the $15 activation feel. The discounted cost would be $150 per year and you save $45 upfront. Note. This offer is not available on our website.
Rick S: You can receive 250 minutes shared between faxes and voice messages for free per month.
Rick S: Outbound faxing carry an additional charge of $0.10 per page (60-second transmission time or less) to destinations in the contiguous US and Hawaii; rates to other destinations are available at https://www.efax.com/en/efax/twa/getRates?rqcp=1
Rick S: As a special consideration, I will provide you with a non-recurring gift balance of $5. With this you can send faxes at the rate of 10 cents a page within United States. Going by this token, you can send upto 50 pages of faxes for Free.
Rick S: May I have the city, state and area code for your number.
MYL: The price is in the realm of consideration, but I'm not ready to switch now -- I need to hang onto my current number for a while and also I've given this number to stores and I think it gets a lot of telemarketing calls, which might eat up voice mail minutes. So for now I'm going to pass.
Rick S: One moment.
Rick S: I will waive the activation fee for you now.
Rick S: This is a special discount.
MYL: Please don't make any changes to my account at this time.
Rick S: May I have the existing number.
MYL: I do not want to make any changes at this time.
Rick S: I will need the fax number to check the account you have with us.
MYL: I don't want you to make any changes or check my account.
MYL: Do you understand or do I need to contact efax directly?
Rick S: There will be no changes made to your account without your confirmation.
Rick S: May I suggest something for a j2 number?
MYL: No thank you. Good afternoon.
Rick S: Thank you for contacting Online Sales Support, I hope you found our session helpful.
Rick S: Good bye and have a nice day!
Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

You're Fired!

Was that the Monz who saw a new tv show called "North Shore" was debuting this week and thought to himself "hmm, wonder if I'll see some familiar footage in the opening credits," tuned-in and discovered it was really about Hawaii, which buttonholed nicely with his Wednesday lunch of Hawaiian fried rice (with egg roll) from the China Chef? Well, no. But we think Monz would like for us to share with you the following excerpt from a cover letter sent by a job applicant to Killian & Company, a Chicago advertising firm. And to think he somehow left this all behind...

"Today is the first day of my life. I am terrified of the all-out approach I sense in my spirit. However, I am not scared enough to let it stop me. I will sacrifice anything but my God and my family."


Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Flying the Flag!

Friends, we were prepared for a wave of patriotism to wash over us today. After all, it is the season between Flag Day and the 4th of July. Plus, unnamed sources gave us a heads-up that Monz' lunch today would be an American Burger from Bennigans. And indeed, that what it was, along with America's newest "fresh vegatable" (if you caught the news today you know what we mean!) and free funion rings. What a feast! But alas, reality paled to the dream and the partially-consumed meal caused more distress than joy. Kinda like reading that the mystery band for Mark Burnett's new reality show, a contrast to American Idol where a real band is looking for a singer, turns out to be the depleated-by-suicide INXS. Which reminds one of the editors of an unrequitted love from grad school. Oh yes, we're flying the flag here at monzyummylunch -- the WHITE flag!

Monday, June 14, 2004

Bums' Not-So-Yummy Lunch!

Monz reports today will be a typical Monday Jewel Lunch Tyranny day -- ham, chicken and sharp cheddar -- which sounded kinda interesting to us but Monz was nonplussed. So we'll tell you a story.

Sunday the editors were pitching in making lunches for a West side homeless shelter and wouldn't you know it, they got stuck driving the lunches over as well. In the past this has been a fairly uneventful routine -- the near West side has been gentrifying a lot lately and there's not a lot of decay until you get south of the Kinzie industrial corridor on Damen and turn West on Madison.

We don't know if it was the warmer weather or the humongous curtin which is blocking Madison Avenue at the United Center (both traffic and the view), but "the neighborhood" had really come alive by Sunday afternoon. The editors had neighborhoodly exchanges with the ballers by the library, the boys at the warm-weather librations store, and an exchange of smiles with a comely young woman wearing a very well-fitted two-piece summer outfit. Yes, the pinprick of doubt that this young woman's outgoing manner hid a more sinister secret of life choices gone horrifically wrong did approach our balloon, but we were detered from such thoughts as we watched her dancing in air to an imaginary (and funky!) soundtrack. It reminded us of those eternal Eddie Money lines...

She was shankin' (oh-oh-woah)
Snappin' her fingers (oh-oh-woah)

That said, we don't relish (no pun intended) those bums' lunches. Bologna sandwiches, chips, an apple, and two Chips Ahoy cookies, all store brand from a German-owned grocery chain which has exceedingly few suburban outlets. On the way home the editors stopped by the Ontario street Portillos downtown, where the drive-through ordering equipment was on the blink and they were using real human people to run back and forth with the orders. Disconcerting.


Friday, June 11, 2004

Worse than No's, Better than a Nose!

How could two hot dogs turn into such an epiphanic disaster? Well, the new Sammy's managed it today -- Monz couldn't even finish the second dog (no onions btw). But more importantly, it triggered a deep, recessed trauma...

It was years ago on a dark and stormy night...Monz is driving back from the urban wasteland that is downtown Chicago, just trying to make his way home, like a holy rolling stone, with nobody on the phone (definitely not the Pope from Rome), when a wretched wretching feeling clutches his innards. Valiantly he tries to fight it off, but it overpowers him. In a death-defying driving maneuver of speed and dexterity, Monz pulls over to the shoulder near the Peterson Avenue exit and does battle with his inner (literally) demons...And today Monz remembers -- he had a Sammy's salad for lunch that day too!

Ok, I see our time is about up, but I think we made real progress today!

Thursday, June 10, 2004


Pizza showed up. Monz paid. Dude showed up. Dude didn't pay. Three days. Three days = Tuesday. "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

We quote the Monz: "Needless to say..."
Son = Fun!

Father and Son's Pizza that is! A favorite salesman of da firm shells out for a veritable cornucopia of delicious 'za from the veritable Chicago institution. All to sell some power struts. (Yeah, we didn't know either!

So is the way to a customer's heart through their stomach? "Sales have nothing to do with the pizza," sayeth the Monz. "Unless it sucks."

Shhh - we're not telling!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Funin ySun!

>>Anerican [redacted at Monz' request] from [redacted at Monz' request]. Surprisingly [redacted at Monz' request] today -- [redacted at Monz' request] on the inside and [redacted at Monz' request] on the outside.

[Redacted at Monz' request] Eh.

[Redacted at Monz' request] were [redacted at Monz' request], yet [redacted at Monz' request]

[Redacted at Monz' request]

Please do not print this email in the blog.<<

No problem!


Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Venus, Oh Venus!

Monz makes like Frankie Avalon and gives props to the solar happenings of the day. You see, Monz was so moved by Dan Brown's bestseller "The Da Vinci Code" that, after researching the claims made within it, goes on his own Grail Quest to find the holy female that lurks among us. He's even gone as far as to check out this site. And then...

Oh who are we kidding? Of course Monz isn't on a grail quest for the holy feminine! He's chowing down on a homemade sandwich consisting of ham, beef, and cheddar horseradish cheese and multigrain bread -- all from Anton's, not Antoinette's! He's also taken the heel of that bread and put some organic peanut butter on it. And thrown-in some psychedelic cherries as well. Now there's a lunch worthy of a grail quest!

Monday, June 07, 2004

South of the (Lake Forest) Border!

Monday - normally Jewel sandwich day, but today Monz brought two tomales from Anton's fruit ranch. Monz likes Anton's fruit. Monz likes Anton's tomales. Monz likes the fact that Anton's is now open Sundays. Monz has not been to Garden Fresh Market, else he might have purchased some of the European delicacies (and standard Eurocrap, but hey, it's extoic Europcrap)they have for sale. At least Monz didn't go to the Old Country Smokehouse or else he'd be poor and disappointed.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Loving Harry Potter Is as Far as It Goes!

Monz is there (probably) for the new HP flick tonight. Humungous crowds? Bad popcorn? No problem - "dude, I love HP, he's the Sloan of flicks!" Too bad lunch wasn't up to this lofty level - County Cork sandwich from Bennigan's, which is just a corpofancy way of saying "club sandwich." Not memorable per se, but memorable in the sense that eating it reminded Monz that he had eaten this sandwich once before.

Also, continuing yesterday's theme, we are sure Monz wants you and the administration to know that he doesn't recommend this book.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Blood Curdling Yell, Meek Wimper!

Remember when the editors recommended the new Pizza Hut buffalo chicken pizza? Today Monz decided to check it out. The results?

>>If THIS is the regard in which we, as consumers, are held by these horrid giant food behemoths, then I want to be David to their Goliath. F*#@ Pizza Hut!!!

I ate two pieces of this "pizza" and put it away. First -- this was enough to make me excited about [this part redacted due to John Ashcroft-induced fear and paranoia - editors]. I would give PH credit for some creative thinking and an attempt to spice up America's ultra bland menu, but I really think this 'za was the product of some marketing dorks who stood in Randhurst and asked sub-morons what they thought of certain foods. Enough people probably said Buffalo Wings were "interesting" and these dorks ran back to Corporate with the exciting results and . . . we have this disgusting mess of a 'za! The crust sucks and does not gel with the spicy wing sauce AT ALL. The chicken, which is not a new addition to pizza, is worse than KFC quality. I feel bad for the poor pathetic chickens that had to die for this . . . their miserable lives would be better spent pecking around some filthy cage. KFC owns PH right? This makes sense in a sick way. The sauce tastes "like" buffalo sauce, but it is just dumped on obviously after the crust and chicken were "cooked." Then quickly melt some wretched "cheese" on top (whether or not this is actual cheese is debatable, but I don't want to know what I just ate until it is out of my body).

I could go on. You get the idea. My stomach has been violated. Take back the Lunch!<<

Um, in our defense, Pizza Hut is franchised...


Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Your Dreams Were Your Ticket Out!

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...to Sammy's! Now Monz probably thinks we're making too much out of the return of this fast food joint (really just a hot dog stand near Dubya-X-R-T). But, as Monz says, it's "way better than the old Sammy's" and a good dog should not be taken for granted. Or BBQ beef sandwich for that matter (along with some fries). And as another famous Sammy might say, that LaCroix water Monz washed his feast down with was Berry-berry good to him!


Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Cuz Yummy Lunch!

It appears that the editors' lunches may just have inched-out Monz' workaday lunches during our absence (more on that later). Friday the editors dined at The Antler's in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan. The Michigan "Soo" is not nearly as pretty or as fun and the Canadian "Soo," but it has the best beast places, and Antler's is one of them. We were not disappointed, but we were a little stuffed. That didn't stop us from stopping for some coffee and donuts before heading out to Pancake Bay to watch the sun set over Lake Superior. Being so close to the Summer Solstice (makes you want to take some cow itch, doesn't it?), the sunset is pretty late these days and by the time we were back in the Sault, it was 10PM and we were up for some whitefish appetizer and maple glazed roasted chicken at Docks, our favorite eatery since "A Thymley Mannor" closed.

The highlight for us Saturday wasn't the Sault breakfast but the conquest of lunch demon: a burger chain called Hot 'N Now which we've frequently driven past but never dined at. We were pleased, though if our experience was typical, it should be called "Warm 'N Now"....

And Monz?

>> "Lunch last friday was Hawaiian Fried Rice from the new chinese place. Today, $#@*! Jewel sandwiches, with mine being a custom-made ham/chicken/cheddar conglomeration. It will probably be OK." <<

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