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Thursday, September 30, 2004

Oblique Yummy Lunch!

What possible connection could Martha Stewart's new digs have with the Monz? Our lips are semi-sealed, but suffice to say that if you're worried there is not enough publicity about lunar garbage landfills, it's a good thing!

And speaking of confusing, we had a hard time reconciling Monz' lunch today (Subway(tm) turkey on honey oat bread, no yuns, no mayo) with this report:

>>Satisfying in the way only Subway can be. Jalapeno's on the side offered just the right amunt of ssssssssspicccccce. I feel full but not nauseous. So far, this lunch is a success.<<

You know, if you start digging on April 1 and go straight through the earth, you come out on September 30...

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Let That Be the Reason!

MYL (hopefully expectant tone): "So what's for lunch?"
Monz: "Leftovers from yesterday."
(long pause)
Monz: "You'll live."
MYL: "We might, but the blog might not!"
Monz (reasuring tone): "Sure you will. Because it was yummy yesterday and it will be yummy today."

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

On the War-path!

Amy declares war on lunch (again). Monz responds with a counteroffensive: taking himself to the China Chef for a Chow War Mein (with hularice, which was heavy on the pineapple).

Monday, September 27, 2004

Democracy in Action!


Meanwhile, here's a true slice of Americana: Sunday one of the more, er, partisan editors traveled to Iowa to pitch-in for one of the presidential candidates. In the car were three other volunteers: an overly-scented 30 year old male grad student talking-up Chomsky, a way-too-easy-on-the-eyes 20 year old coed (on leave while working for a year in an Americorps project) who caught the editor in many shameless chest-level stares but didn't seem overly offended, and a middle-age school teacher who made way too many snobbish, demogogic attacks on the other candidate's morality and intelligence but otherwise seemed nice enough. Their mission: after going through a brief training/certification project, attempt to collect absentee ballots from previously targetted, like-minded partisans. As luck would have it, the editor's group was sent to the seediest part of the city, "but nothing as bad as you have in Chicago." Indeed, it was more like Waukegan. As the editor and the hot coed (who, we should add, was also very bright, and had a strange accent that seemed to fluctuate between southern drawl and upper-plainsstate nasal) snaked through their assigned streets, they noted the Nob-hill like terrain that belied Iowa's reputation for being flat. Most interesting moment: the editor and Hot Coed are heading to an address for a woman. When they get there, her husband is outside getting something out of his truck and calls out to them. Hot coed asks if the wife is there. She is not. Hot coed tells husband who they are. Husband says "Well I'm voting for [other guy]." Hot Coed says "Oh...is your wife voting for [other guy]" Husband says "Uh, yee-eh-ahhh" as if we were idiots. We thank husband and move-on. Hot Coed speculates that the woman was on the list because she took a primary ballot and is secretly voting differently than husband. Most surreal moment: The editors come to the home of a man and find his children (two girls and a boy) playing outside. The kids are cute. They call into the house for their dad to come out. The boy is holding a brick with some writing on it and he places the brick ontop of a mailbox/slot attached outside the door. One of the girls tells me she just got new shoes for school, then says "we write words on the brick." The husband comes out in a robe, unshaven, smoking a cigarette. He hasn't filled out the ballot and doesn't feel like doing so now or scheduling a later day for pickup -- he's "still studying him." They thank him and as they leave, the editor catches a glance at the brick on the mailbox and sees, in big yellow chalk, the word "F*$#." Now, there was a good deal of confusion by the Iowa organizers of this event. One leader thought the Illinois people were there to canvass (i.e., ask poll questions to target likely favorable voters). The other thought they were there to pick-up ballots. The latter was right, but much time was lost in the confusion. While the volunteers were invited to fortify themselves with ***LUNCH***, the organizers frantically made copies of voter lists, maps, and absentee ballot-picker-upper payperwork. The late start meant that most of the groups did not get to everybody on their list, but as luck would have it, the editor's group was tenacious and insisted on seeing their task through to the end (and then chatting with the Iowa organizers and working the phone banks for a spell). The upshot was that the editor did not get back home until 11 while most of the volunteers were home by 8:30.

Oh, and lunch? Salty (but otherwise ok) pizza, stale tortilla chips, and strawberry yogurt-dipped granola bars! There also was some veggie chilli lurking arround HQ that was not put out for lunch but was offered to the editor's group at dinner...

Friday, September 24, 2004

We Believe You Can Fly!

Monz heads to Portillos for two dogs with everything on them sans 'nyuns, and a small fry. How was it? About as good as it could be under the circumstances.

As some of you know, in their spare time the editors like to keep up-to-date with the very latest on happiness research. Favoring Aristotle over Plato, the editors refuse to accept research on face value, regardless of how good it sounds. They demand rigorous evidence of results. Accordingly, the editors present to Monz lunch enthusiasts the following efficacious advice for a happy life, courtesy of The Fly Lady.

FlyLady's Eleven Commandments

1. Keep your sink clean and shiny.
2. Get dressed every morning, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t forget your lace-up shoes.
3. Do your morning and before bedtime routine everyday.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer.
5. Pick up after yourself. If you get it out, put it away.
6. Don’t try to do two projects at once. ONE JOB AT A TIME.
7. Don’t pull out more than you can put back in one hour.
8. Do something for yourself everyday, maybe every morning and night.
9. Work as fast as you can to get the job done. This will give you more time to play later.
10. Smile even when you don’t feel like it. It is contagious. Make your mind up to be happy and you will be.
11. Don’t forget to laugh everyday. Pamper yourself, you deserve it.

UPDATE: Monz on #10: "Unless there's some guy with a gun in your face!"


Thursday, September 23, 2004

Major Pain!

While Monz is downtown laying the legal smackdown on evildoers everywhere, he picks up some green chili corn bisque and a smokey turkey club from Au Bon Pain. He began to eat and not long after loud, gutteral grunts of satisfaction were eminating from his being. Suddenly, a problem - "wayyyy too much bacon!" Monz took action, describing the action he took for us as he was taking it: "pickitupthrowitout." The gutteral grunts resumed. And within a matter of minutes the lunch had gone from "pretty darn good" to "damn yummy!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Ice Ice Baby!

Monz does the twist that he did last Summer: ordering Thai from the China Chef. Risky, especially since the results last time thai-ed his stomach up in knots. Did they make good use of the second chance? We haven't heard yet. Meanwhile a tragedy befell one of the editors as, walking back to work from Chicago's best kept lunch secret, he smashed his head against a makeshift "WALK/DON'T WALK" sign and probably gave himself a concussion. Ever try icing your head at work? Well, take our advice: don't start now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

We Kick Dead Horses' Asses!

Monz has a delightful Reuben for lunch from Bennigan's. He then indulges us as we go off-topic to prove that stupidity is nonpartisan. We found this from a self-profile of former Senator Carole Mosley-Braun: "My new favorite song is by Lee Ann Womack. It's called "I Hope You Dance." There's this line that says "And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance / I hope you dance." That speaks so much to me."

What speaks so much to us is that this profile is dated SEPTEMBER 2004!!!!

UPDATE: Monz informs us that he doesn't get it.


Monday, September 20, 2004

You Have Much to Learn, Grasshopper!

Monz confronts a problem of the ancients. He wants a corned beef sandwich, yet he knows that Jewel will serve him this sandwich on an uncrusty white bread bun, wholly inappropriate. It wound-up tasting like corn beef on a french bun -- all the things you wouldn't want on such a sandwich. Monz finds it pointless. When we consulted another master we got this response:

Practice non-action.
Work without doing.
Taste the tasteless.
Magnify the small, increase the few.
Reward bitterness with care.

Like the Monz, inscrutable...


Friday, September 17, 2004

We Don't Forget or Forgive!

But Monz does! He "goes back to Franksville" against our better judgment for a Kraut Dog and an Olive Dog. We hope the results were better than last time! While we await word, Monz the Munificent has anounced a contest : if you can come up with a better name for the company's newfound saved-from-the-cold-hard-pungent-dump-scented-streets-of-the-city kitten (predominately white with grey ears and a grey tail) than "Big King Schitzenpants" Monz will give you an autograph, the nature of which will be customized depending on the quality and qualities of the winner.

For archival purposes: yesterday's lunch was the Far East Usual, sans almonds, con cashews.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

L'Shana Tova Habibis!

The editors are busy celebrating the Jewish new year, doing fall prep work on their garden, and/or preparing a report on non-tax government revenue sources. Back tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

It's a Wonderful Lunch!

The following e-mail was received by the editors and, after proper and intense consideration, is being published for the inspriational message contained within.

"I'd come close before. Rodondo Beach. The Bay Bridge (the Golden Gate Bridge is for wusses). But this was it -- I was ready to end it all. I'm sitting at this "motivation seminar" which costs huge bucks to attend, just to increase my sales skills. Which translates to further cementing me at that swanky, rich suburban shopping mall, trying to convince teenagers and college kids that they really need a new cell phone with movie-taking features (here's an insider tip: cuddles sells the chicks on it, porn sells the guys). My brother, who used to stick me with tacks and take me fishing but is now a hot-shot lawyer because dad forced him into the army and they messed-up his mind with all that "be all the disciplined boring prick that you can be" crap, tells me that my company was bought last year by some Italian financing group, and that Americans will never see that money again. But I get a $72 bonus for every phone and calling plan I sell and that buys enough Empire State Fries combo meals (french fries cooked in peanut oil, medium "Yankee Lemonade") at the food court to keep me filled through dinner.

F*$# it all! So I'm ready to walk out of the room, take an elevator to the roof of this hotel and drop head-first into the airport shuttle bus and then, out of nowhere, I saw these angelic figures appear! Ok, they were a little on the evil clown side, but why look an epiphany horse in the mouth? They were fluttering all about -- I think I was the only person who could see them because everyone else seemed oblivious! And from their mouths eminated a single voice: that of the Monz! "Lighten up dude, go have lunch!" And I realized, I didn't have to eat those Empire State Fries, I didn't have to eat at the food court and I didn't have to stay at this crummy job! I deeply inhaled the stale hotel conference room air and smiled, awaiting the gratifying life that Monz has bestowed upon me."

All we can say is maybe he has a chicken pecan salad from Portillos in his future!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Don't De-Chunk for the Wit!

We can't explain, but now, here to present today's lunch: Mr. Mark Lindsay!

He must belong to San Francisco
He must have lost his way
Made it up to the windy city
One Illini day
He said he believes in Robin Hood and brotherhood and colors of green and gray
All you can do is laugh at him
Doesn't anybody know how to pray?
Arizona, we're sending you on your way
Arizona, we chose Fathers and Sons - not Subway
Arizona, nine bucks I had to pay
Arizona, learn how to answer the phones slowly!

Monday, September 13, 2004

Guinea Pig Editors!

"Lunch today is chickenhamcheddar sandwich from the Jewel."

This weekend the editors treked to the only McDonald's in Lisle, IL. Their mission: check-out their Oven Select sandwiches, which are being test marketed there (and, as far as Chicagoland goes, there alone). We ordered a Beef and Provelone on a toasted French roll, a Turkey BLT on a toasted French roll, and a Reuben on toasted Rye roll.

Things did not start out auspiciously. While we indeed share Quiznos' preference for mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-toasty!(tm) bread, that was the only good thing about the beef provelone, which was all-but-tasteless save the large slivers of raw onions which the sandwich was chuck-full of. The Turkey BLT fared a little better -- satisfying, but only a notch above your typical Subway(tm) fare. But the Reuben was a revelation! The mix of deli meats, sweet sauerkraut, flavorful rye bread and thousand island dressing (we suspect they were using the big mac's secret sauce) was a glorious mess. The price was right too: $4 each, though we opted for the "special value meal" which includes medium drink and either a small cole slaw or french fries. Confession: when the Eastern-European-English-Challenged cashier offered the special value meal option to us, the editors just said "yes." When the store manager handed us the bag, recounting the 3 sandwiches and adding "and a small fry" we said "wait, we wanted cole slaw" - leaving the impression that we had asked for the slaw when really had noticed while waiting that we had a choice but weren't asked which one we wanted, which you might say is no reason to feel bad except that one of the editors hates it when the people at Burger King ask if he wants fries or onion rings, as-if there are all these onion ring fans out there in Burger King land. Oh, and the slaw? Not bad -- it was near frozen, but when dealing with mayonnaise, that's a good thing!

Friday, September 10, 2004

Guess What's For Breakfast?!

Monz goes to the China Chef for the CC usual (small aloha sizzlerice, generic bird amaretto). And even before Monz told us it was yummy, we knew it would be so. How could we know this? Because the good Chef has changed his fortune cookie supplier to "Sam." Thus we knew Monz would like it in a house, we knew he'd like it with a mouse, we knew he'd like them here OR there, we knew he'd like them ANYWHERE - he would eat them in a box, he would eat them with a fox, Monz likes the usual, thank you Miss, he likes the usual Sam he is!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

#5's Not Too Shabby Either!

Today for lunch Monz had ground beef, seasonsed with salt, served upon Enriched and Bleached Flour(Wheat Flour, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Niacin, Iron, Folic Acid),Water, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil,Yeast, Salt, Vital Wheat Gluten, Contains less than 2% of each of the fol-lowing: Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate and Calcium Stearoyl-2-Lactylate(dough conditioners), colored with Tumeric and Paprika, Calcium Sulfate, Calcium Propionate (preservative),Distilled Monoglycerides, Soy Flour, Ascorbic Acid, Azodicarbonamide and DATEM (dough conditioners), with condiments of Cultured Milk, Water, Cream, Sodium Citrate (anti-oxidant), Salt, Sodium Phosphate, Sorbic Acid (preservative), ArtificialColor, Acetic Acid, Enzymes, Lecithin, Tomato Concentrate from Red Ripe Tomatoes, Distilled Vine-gar, Salt, Spice, Onion, NaturalFlavoring; Soybean Oil, Corn Syrup, Egg Yolk, Modified CornStarch, Spice ("Spicccccccce!!!" - Flavor Editor), Xanthan Gum (thickener), SodiumBenzoate and Potassium Sorbate (preservatives), Natural Flavor, CalciumDisodium EDTA (preservative), Yellow #5 and #6 ("love that #6!!!"-- Yellow Editors); Distilled Vinegar, Mustard Seed, Salt, colored withTurmeric and Paprika, Spice. He washed it down with some frozen: Milk, Sugar, Cream, Corn Syrup Solids, Whey, Nonfat MilkSolids, Cocoa, Dextrose, Guar Gum (thickener), Mono and Diglycerides(emulsifiers), Carrageenan, Calcium Sulfate, Disodium Phosphate, VitaminA Palmitate, Artificial and Natural Flavors.

In other words, Wendy's double classic with cheese and a Frosty(tm).

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Birds of a Feather...NOT!

Turkey sub and chicken tenders from Jeff's. Turkey sub was sent to Italy for a dressing drenching which pleased the Monz. Chicken tenders were fried and crusty (interestingly, the editors went to McDonald's for chicken strips which met this same description). Monz was not pleased. Not to mention Jeff's chef's high school guidance counselor, who can see her high hopes were sadly misplaced...

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Box You Dude!

One of the editor's favorite comfort food is chicken pot pie, preferably Swanson's, with the crust crispy brown but not burnt. Thus we were particularly interested in Monzathome's report today: Ian's frozen chicken pot pie from Whole Foods...Ian's claims they use "chickens used without antibiotics or growth hormones. Federal regulations prohibit the use of added hormones in poultry." Monz pronounced it yummy. Hmm, does that mean our beloved Swanson's has antibiotics? Could there be a better tasting pot pie (we've already tried Banquet, tysons, some weird local supplier to Jewel, Peperidge Farms, Marie Calendar's and Chicken by George (Phyllis George to be exact) and all were lacking)? Monz enlightens our world. Monz also reports that there was some leftovers involved in today's lunch by this guy'sfavorite Chinese resturant that you can find at Northbrook Court.

We also feel deep in our hearts that Monz would want to chime in with the following sentiments from Norman Lindsay's Magic Pudding:.

"Then let the fist of Friendship
Be kept for Friendship's foes.
Ne'er let that hand in anger land
On Friendship's holy nose."

Friday, September 03, 2004

Stop! In the Name of Lunch!

Monz goes to a place we don't remember or can't recall: the Dog Stop, for two onion-less dogs. Hey, nothing more American than that! But we don't know how they were. Maybe they were phat, maybe they were lean, maybe they were served by an ultra-mean teen queen!

UPDATE: Dogs ok. Fries not.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Undercover Angel!

With awe-inspiring intelligence, Monz realizes that it is better to slide down the chimney and creep inside the house than to throw (Chinese) rocks at the window from the sidewalk outside! Thus, Monz heads to the China House, orders a small chicken kow, chicken fried rice, and soggy eggroll (without complaining, but with complaint!)

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

The Counterattack's Opening Salvo!

Though "sorely tempted by other items" on the Bennigan's menu, Monz gets the American Burger. Yes, yes, this is a clue -- to fight the evil we mentioned yesterday, we must all tap into our core American values for strength, resolve and sustinance. Monz even ordered it on wheat, what could be more amber-waves-of-grain-American than that?! We await further instruction. ("Wait a sec! Isn't Bennigan's calling their new line of deserts "O'Yummy"? Yes, but by adding the "O'" they are implicitly paying homage to the venerated and recognizing its unique American heritage rather than attempting to appropriate it wholesale for an insidious instrument of iniquity. - truth editor)

In the meantime we note that while Muddy Waters is great, in our opinion the most criminally ignored bluesman is...

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