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Friday, April 29, 2005

It's Making Us Wait!

Anticipating Monz's taking his rightful spot as guest blogger, we thought what would make a good antiMonz (not "anti-Monz") entry. You know, uninspired, insipid, little thought, no care for you, the dear reader, the common folk heroically struggling through the moss and detritus of the everyday world. For un-inspiration, we thought of the new "Illinois Museum" at the State of Illinois building. (Ok, no, we haven't gone in, but for a state as historical as Illinois, why does it look so sparse?) Maybe something like this?

Did Monz agree? "#$@ no! The others are having Wendy's. I'm having smoked chicken and ham on whole grain bread, apples, carrots, water."

We'll be back in two weeks. Take it away Mark Monz!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Man of Cultured!

Turkey meatloaf, apple, carrots and a tiny little thing of yogurt. Which is spooky, because just yesterday the editors were making what is a regular inquiry around these parts, "how can we optimize Monz' stomach" and a thought ocurred to us: yogurt! We were flipping through a magazine and see a recipe for homemade yogurt. "Yes!" we all think, "this is what Monz needs." We procede to the ingreedents: Candy thermometer -- not exactly sure but ok. 2 quarts milk - makes sense. So far, so good. But what's this? "2 to 3 heaping tablespoons of plain yogurt that contains active or live cultures." Huh? What's the point of making homemade yogurt if you have to go out and buy yogurt just to make it? Anyway, the whole shebang takes about seven hours and involves leaving a jar of the milk/"starter yogurt" concoction in an oven. Sensing how awful this sounds, the magazine then suggests that you just buy a yogurt maker like the "Euro Cuisine" for $30 at Williams-Sonoma. Hmm, now that doesn't sound so bad! But then they say "the yogurt will be thinner than commercial brands" (due to the lack of additives). But here's the kicker -- "refrigerate and save a little to give birth to your next batch." Ewwwww! People, do you realize what this means? Somewhere out there people are eating yogurt that is eternally old!

Also, we cannot keep such piercing self-insight to ourselves. Yesterday we played Mark Monz a tape one of our favorite philosphers, Sibilla, including this pearl of wisdom:

"If you are true to yourself, find out what kind of self you are."

Mark Monz took barely a moment before informing us "I have a hungry self, and I'm about to be true to it."

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Let That Be the Reason II!

Cocharios (pronounced Coach-ar-os) thin pasta. Tomato-beast sauce, though beast was not requested. That's it. No more. Because there's no more? No more to Monz' lunch? No more to the Monz? No, because the editors are fried, which is the reason Monz will be returning for his annual stint as guest blogger Monday, May 3rd. DON'T MISS IT!!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

It Could Be No Other!

Chicken sandwhich from the Jewel, an apple, carrots, water. Now, Monz the highminded puts no stock in such things, however we noted with impressed-ness that in the current US News rankings Monz' law school came out either at or near the top of all law schools with night schools and pretty friggin' up there among law schools in general. You've probably already guessed the number.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Not Feeling the Love!

Because those that know Monz know him better and those who don't might know him still, we're not going to name the individual or school involved in the following rant. Suffice to say that at Monz' old junior high school there is a new principal in town. We know this because there is a profile of him in the local newspaper. And in this profile we learn...the astounding fact...that "HE LOVES KIDS!" Gee, you're kidding, he loves kids?!?! This trite exploitation of (potentially disingenous) kidlove proclaimations is not limited to schools. In Lansing, IL (which is not Monz' hometown) there are stop signs with little rectangular signs underneath that say "WE LOVE OUR KIDS." Monz' town's stop signs have no additional signage, so they must not love their kids, save the new junior high school principle. It's enough to make you want to eat a chicken sandwhich from Jewel.

Don't forget: Monz returns to blogging next week!

Friday, April 22, 2005

Rootering for Monz' Lunch!

Many physicists would agree that, had it not been for
digestion control, the evaluation of Monz' lunch might never
have occurred. In fact, few diners worldwide would disagree
with the essential unification of yesterday's lunch with more ham and less turkey. In order to solve this riddle, we confirm that
SMPs can be made stochastic, cacheable, and interposable.
We motivate the need for Gaviscon. We place our
work in context with the prior work in this area. To address
this obstacle, we disprove that even though the mustached
autonomous algorithm for the construction of digitalto-
analog converters by Jones [10] is NP-complete, object oriented colonic distress may result.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

To Whole Foods(tm), and Beyond!

Now this is exciting: Maple baked ham w/ cajun turkey and carrots. Monz lunch is worthy of a hero. Maybe this hero! What do you think, eh?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Monz Tasty Lunch!

"BTW -- lunch was a SWTurkey / Tavern Ham monstrosity on WG bread with . . .
carrots! and water and an apple.

It was tasty!"

[Note: the editors still haven't found out what Tavern Ham is...]


Happy Birthday to Monz!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Hoodia Voodia Man!

You know what they say about unaskedfor prayers? Monz leaves his dietician-approved, oh-yeah-Mark-Monz-of-course-it's-yummy lunch at home by mistake! Making the most of this tragic situation, an old MYL favorite dating back to the first week of the blog, Cocharrio's, provides some speghetti, side salad, and garlic bread. Was it yummy? "I'm having trouble telling you, it's so yummy" Monz said, and we could barely keep him on the phone becore he went off to complete devour his feast. But what can Monz do in the future to tame this savage hunger? Maybe this

Monday, April 18, 2005

Back of the Racks to the Top of the Stacks!

Like a Magic DJ, Monz journesy into the past for a Southwetern Turkeywhich, tabouli and apple from Whole Foods. But just when you think you know the Monz' lunch...poof. And combining Monz lunch zen, his respect for the Consumers Union, and our duty to improve lives one and all, we recommend the latest safe exercise trend to the Monz, by George!

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Monz Code!

Had we been able to view the Scrabble tiles from this morning's game of brilliance, we might have seen the code that would have warned us that certain individuals were conspiring to keep Monz' lunch from us. Yes, when it comes to Monz' yummy lunch, there are indeed angels and demons, and not even a digital fortress can protect you from the latter's evil intentions.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Mind Like Water!

Ohhhmmmmmmm! With the current boil order engulfing the north burbs, all that really matters about Monz' lunch is the water. But we know there are some cynics out there who think this is just the editors' way to disguise another chickenham usual. Well ha! Chicken with southwestern style turkey, apple, tabouil (!). Take that, Thomas!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Where Diners Fear to Tread!

Buffeted by the cruel winds of fate, Monz makes a rare (first time in the history of the blog, we thinks!) mistake and leaves his lunch at home! Contingency plans to lunch as in the days or yore have yielded no audible results! And today we learned that Don, the Cantonese Chef, Master of the Art, is no more! The sun may be shining outside, but at myl headquarters it is chilly, rainy, windy and foggy.


Don't call it a comeback! Monz obeys his mama and knocks lunch out with a return to the China Chef for some hot sour soup and chicken fried rice.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Humboldt Pie!

We asked the Monz what he had for lunch today. This was the reply:

"Exactly the same as yesterday. Every bit as yummy."

Without more, we try to guess what Monz would want you to know. We think he'd like you to know this: researches at Humboldt University in Berlin have published a groundbreaking study in the American Journal of Gastroenterology, reporting that when dietary fiber was increased in pconstipated patients, less than half showed any improvement. Neither did an increase in fluids unless there was previous indications of dehydration. Enemas did not provide any longterm help (i.e., by flushing out "toxins" as some had theorized). So what to do? Exercise...or use a laxative. "Addiction" or "rebound constipation" is rare. Or just fuggedaboudit: normal bowel movements can be as infrequent as three times a week. Unless your the Monz!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Say You Don't Care Who Goes to That Kind of Place!

MYL: "So dude, what's lunch"
M: "Woahhhh... Mojo Orange Chicken. Or Orange Mojo Chicken. It's from Whole Foods."
MYL: "What does that mean?"
M: "It's damn yummy. It's damn expensive."
MYL: "What does it taste like?"
M: "A voodoo swamp of yumminess."

At this point, the editors suffered monz lunch whiplash and decided to continue with the most un-MOnz news they could find: The Con!

"CHICAGO COMIC BOOK MARKETPLACE...Sunday May 1, 2005, Embassy Suites Chicago Downtown "just two blocks from Michigan Ave!" Special Guests Include: [we're only mentioning our favorites here - timepressed editor]

Art Baltazar (Patric the Wolf Boy)
Ben Averey (The Hedge Night)
(8 other dorks and 1 dorkette, non of whom we've heard of.)

We're so maybe there! And we just have one thing left to say:

"Want to try our jungle juice?"

Friday, April 08, 2005

Please Stand By!

True it is that we are having technical difficulties at the MYL offices, but what you should really be standing by for is Monz' triumphant return as guest blogger! Two glorious weeks to kick-off the month of May.

Meanwhile, today he's tavern hamming, corn beefing, whole graining his way into your hearts.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Doo Dee Doo Dee Doo Dee Doo!

We don't know what Monz had today for lunch, but we bet you could find out!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Dominator!

What did Monz have for lunch? Tavern Ham! (sandwhich, lest we mislead). We tried for half an hour to find out what tavern ham is -- it's definitely a "type" but more we do not know. We do know that Monz is reading this!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Jay-Z Yummy Lunch!

Corned beef and chicken on wholegrain bread from Whole Foods, with apple and black bean salad. And if you think the Monz was going to let some punk audio editor out-gangsta him, think again!

If you havin lunch problems Monz is funnin' you son,
Monz got 99 problems but a lunch ain't one
Got the rap patrol on the fat control
Ward off a heart attack to make his casket closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money, Cash, Hoes"
He's a lahhhyah stupid, what types of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapatoes
You've never taken a boat on the lake, paddled or rowed
He's staying away from those donut holes
If you don't like this blog you can press the forward

The year is ninety-four, Monz is eating fried, not raw
He doesn't think he'll ever be smacking down in law
On I-94
Put the pedal to the floor
Threw a party, set off some freaks, there's a policeman at the door
Monz knows his rights so bete you gon' need a warrant for
"Aren't you sharp as a tack! You some type of
lawyer or somethin, somebody important or somethin?"
Child, Monz hadn't yet passed the bar, but he knew a little bit
Enough that Spay's "HI MR. POLICEMAN!" won't illegally search his shit
"Well we'll see how smart you are when the canine comes"
But Dogs love Monz, who has 99 problems, but a lunch ain't one

Hit me!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Don't Hate the (Record) Player, Hate the Game!

Most attorneys might claim to have a "come what may" attitude, but it's no match to "come what maywood," especially when your judge and his clerk completely blow them off after they've made the epic trip of myth and legend out there. Most attorneys when faced with such a tragedy will go off someplace secret and cry. But not Monz! He turns tragedy into triumph and heads to Russell's! "Yummy porkwich with baked potato and slaw (non mayo =type)."

Meanwhile, our audio editor found himself in a strange situation on Sunday. He has been trying to convert a vinyl lp to cd for a vinyl-ly challenged friend, but discovered his old turntable sounded tinny and needed an expensive new needle. So he went on Craigslist and found a guy offering to sell his turntable cheap. So far so good, but when the guy calls to work out the logistics of the sale, he wigs out and asks the editor to meet him in the far corner of an Arlington Heights Wal-Mart parking lot. Ohhhkayyyy. The editor is wondering if he needs to bring backup, but being fearless he goes off to meet Deep Throat, who shows up and the exchange is made. A few hours later, said conversion is complete and the project is proclaimed a success. With the Monz as inspiration, how could it not be?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Monz Smacksdown the Burger King!

We don't normally mention breakfast here, but we thought it appropriate as it could mpact on Monz' lunch. Yes, Monz heard it: the challenge to men everywhere to consumer a Burger King Monster Omlette breakfast sandwhich. Proving he's twice the man your typical BK-targetted laddie is, Monz has TWO! As we said, we thought this would impact Monz' lunch. We thought! Ha! Denny's Super Bird(tm), hold the holeycheese.


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