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Friday, September 30, 2005

Oh, the Irony!

Woodenchaknowit, on the day that Illinois announces it is joining the ranks of states which require mandatory continuing legal education, the legal editor was at a lunch seminar, which included a turkey brie sandwich, fruit medly, pasta salad and one of those "wafer + cream cheese + toping" deserts.

Through a quirk in the new rules, Monz won't have to deal with mandatory CLE for a whole extra year! You'd think this would make him happy, yet Monz was in a downcast mood over the past week's lunch. Back to the County Cafe for a tuna salad sandwich and fruit parfait, but what he really wanted were some genuine sliders.
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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Sholom Means Peace, Hello and Goodbye!

Today Monz was doing a closing in Vernon Hills. It went so well he decided to have lunch at a "well established Vernon Hills resturant, the last place you'd expect the Monz to go." Denny's! And since the closing went so well, Monz decided to have fun with his meal and order the mini-cheeseburgers (replacing the onion rings with hash browns). Alas, Denny's did not deliver their end of the bargain. Rather than offer up six miniture burgers, Denny's took two giant burgers and cut them into pieces. Bah humbug!

While this was going on, the editors ventured deep into the Chicago Loop for lunch, because they needed to stop by Office Max (tm) on the way back for some indispensible bankers boxes. Alas every establishment near the Office Max was crowded, with no tables to be had. Every establishment, that is, but one: the Sholom Deli on Wells (no website, no menu, no waiting). Unfortunately the marketing editor forgot to order the small reuben, so out comes this piled-high bonanza. Far too much for one small marketing editor to eat, a bag was requested to take 1/2 back to the office. However, once outside, a man approached the editors with a sad story. Down on his luck, he asked for help. "Would you like half a reuben? It's fresh." "Yeah! (taking bag) What's a reuben?" "Um, it's corn beef and cheese and sauerkraut and thousand isl..." "Ok. Got some change?" "No."
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

Monz discovers another reason why everyone should eat a good breakfast. Today he scheduled a breakfast meeting with a client and as a result could not prepare lunch beforehand. Back in Waukegan, Monz heads to Poppy's (aka Genesee Pancake House, which the editors have noticed is quite busy on Sundays) and, remembering Jeff's he orders a Turkey Club. Mighty impressive! "This club is packed so high with sandwich-makings that I have to take it apart to fit it in my mouth!... Plus they give you a salad!" (What kind of dressing Mark Monz? "[with 'eh' sounding voice] Ranch."

Today the editors learned about how divorce works in other cultures. Like how a Pueblo womean could divorce her husband by placing his moccasins outside their doorstep, or how some Muslim men could divorce a wife by pronouncing the Talek ("I divorce thee; I divorce thee; I divorce thee"). Alas these are not options in America, so if you know someone who needs a divorce (we at myl wish all our readers nothing but maritial bliss, but they may have some non-Monz acquainted friends who aren't so fortunate), you gotta see the Monz!
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

King, Konged!

Monz attempts to cajole Spay to climb two floors to Monz' office or decend three floors to the street in order to try Waukegan's best Chinese restaurant. Spay ain't willin' because he's illin', so Monz goes for back to the County Cafe for a sweet chili-in (sandwich), side salad and parfait. Alas: M.I.A..
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Monday, September 26, 2005

They Sing and Dance, Spin Their Clubs, Cruise Down the Block!

California Turkey Sandwich from the County Cafe. We inquired as to the nature of this establishment. "Minimalist and not like a warm comforting place, it's like a school lunch room. The guy who makes the sandwichs is nice, the cops who eat there are scary and the food is decent but cheap(by that Monz means $4.15, which actually is more than they charge at Faycurr's Urban Cafe, the editors' joint downtown)."
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

Special Sunday Thanks!

Latecomers to Friday's post might be confused. What do the editors, or for that matter the Monz, have against a mild mannered pop-rock nostalgia station? Well, dear readers, at the time we went to press, this station was playing nonstop Christmas music (a la WLIT does here in Chicago). Apparently the station received a flood of phone calls from MYL readers furiously intent on drawing the line at "Christmas Calendar Creep." Oh sure, they claim it was just a joke, but we know the truth!
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Friday, September 23, 2005

Sam Cooke Yummy Lunch!

Don't know much about what Monz ate
His lunch report is way too late
We know his Hon was in Waugkegan
The two of them had dining plans
But we do know that this is wrong
It's too early for these kinds of songs
If Chuck Barris were here to ring the gong
What a wonderful blog this would be

UPDATE: lunch at Madison overlooking Lake Michigan (purportedly the nicest restaurant in Waukegan, though the editors note Monz hasn't been to GoJo's yet). Lunch for 2 was $14. Monz had the pulled pork + fries and liked well enough. No word what his Hon had.

DOUBLE UPDATE: Or is it Madison Avenue?
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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Don't Spoil Lunch, Spoil Lost!

In a moment the editors plan to share the secret to the hit ABC television show Lost. Monz isn't lost, he's in Waukegan, hunkering down in the office with a buffalo chicken tavern ham smoked turkey sandwich on that nutty bread. A twist: onion mustard. Rounded out with an apple and some cultured dairy.

Now, have you noticed that nobody on Lost is ever shown eating lunch? Hey, we noticed that too! Obviously Hurley is just hallucinating.
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

R U the Lunch?!

While waiting for last night's Rock Star: INXS finale, the editors gathered around to watch the finale of a similar show, TLC's "R U the Girl?" We were in shock. First, the entire show is a fake -- the whole contest wasn't to replace the late Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes (who was to great female wrappers like Roxane Shante what Jonathan Quinn is to Brett Farve), it was to give the winner 1) a spot singing with T-Boz and Chili on a single song which will appear on an upcomming compilation, 2) a chance to perform onstage with them 3) "and after that, who knows?!" So finally T-Boz and Chili come out to do a medly of past hits, and while we realize they haven't performed live in two years, this is the worst lip syncing performance in the new century. First, it's "old school" lip syncing -- the actual studio versions are playing -- they didn't even bother to re-record the "fake live" versions. Second, they're off by a full quarter of a second. It's so embarassing that the producers keep switching the cameras the second either of them turn full-on. Finally the big anouncement and we learn that the apparent "bad but not evil" girl of the series, O'so Krispie. "What does it mean for a girl to be crispy?" one of the editors is asked by a woman friend on the phone. "Heh! Heh! Heh!" responds the editor. "You have no idea, do you?" is heard through the earpiece of the phone. "Uh, not really." Ok, so the new song is coming on and Krispie is O'so invisible as the spotlight stays on T-Boz and Chili until the last 30 seconds, when O'so arrives and starts a rapping. She actually does remind us of Left Eye in both good and bad ways. Then the rap wraps up, the Krispie Clan comes onstage, and T-Boz and Chilli are looking like Jerry Seinfeld did at Kenny Bania when telling him ok, drink up buddy boy because this is the meal!. Fame is o'so fleeting these days.

Still shaking the next day, we needed Monz to keep it real. And he did, with a slightly subpar but still satisfying Turkey Derby from the Corner Bakery.
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Wake Us Up When September Ends!

Ditto, though grooving on the nutty bread. We also learned today that the word "Golly!" was once a blasphemous swear word.
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Monday, September 19, 2005

But We Don't Want to Be a Pirate!

Monz scarfs down a buffalo chicken + turkey + smoked ham sandwich on nutty whole grain bread (and an apple), then procedes to hijack the blog! Like Julius LaRosa, the only person to ever be fired on national tv (literally, not fake "Apprentice" firing), we're stunned!
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Friday, September 16, 2005

Snubbed!



The Monz, lending a hand at the Hon's downtown office, snubs the editors! "For a special lunch I ran over to Adams St and the Berghoff Oktoberfest (which should be outlawed because it's Septermber!) and ordered up a brat w/ kraut, corn on the cob, and a giant pretzel. But NO delicious Berghoff Brew-ha-ha because I have to work. Yummy." Apparently nobody cared about the poor myl staff, who were left to soupy shred-o-beef stew served over plain white rice + water, ordered from an Adams Street establishment next to the myl offices and a mere six blocks away from Berghoff. Hmmmph!
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Thursday, September 15, 2005

Proud to Be a Lancer!

The editor-in-chief holds a special place in his heart for the College of Lake County, his local community college where he would take "student at large" classes for his quest to get certified as a K-9 teacher or take non-credit all day long trips to places like Galena, Illinois. His mere residency in Lake County made him proud to stand behind the mighty name "Lancer." Monz did not share his enthusiasm. It took much cajoling/pestering/beseeching to get the Monz to even visit the campus, a visit which did little to change his mind. Thus, we are sad but not surprised to hear that Monz missed out on Latino Day on the Mall, and instead headed back to his newly beloved Uptown Cafe, where he did try the Jack Benny and found it gloriously yummy and horrifyingly greasy.

Afterwards Monz was back in court, where normally pictures are not allowed but our ace photographer managed to get this snapshot.

UPDATE

Grease 1, Yumminess 0, but at least Monz didn't forget his wallet.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Down and Out (of It)!

The editors trust that readers will understand why today's update is so uninspired. Our coffeemarker, which we have used and enjoyed since 1996, broke today. Actually we think it broke yesterday because the last cup we had seemed a little lukewarm. We're barely awake. Thus, as we say goodbye to an old friend, we leave you with the Man himself:

>>"Today I strolled across the street to the County Street Cafe at the Courthouse for a corned beef & swiss on Rye with some yogurt and a banana. Decent, satisfying lunch. Nice atmosphere for a courthouse cafe. polite staff. It suffers only from comparison with the incredibly upbeat Uptown cafe from Monday.<<
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

You'll Like Him, You'll Really Like Him!

We recently administered Dr. William Cottringer's Likeability Scale inventory to the Monz. This involved evaluating Monz' likeability ("People tell me their problems because I am approachable and a good listener: never/rarely/sometimes/frequently/always) and unlikeability ("I lose my temper.") Tally it up and Monz scores a 5.5 = "[Monz] is considerably more likeabile than most." The other categories include "You easily win over all people"/ "Your likeabiilty is average -- plenty of room for improvement" and "you might have relationship difficulties due to your low L-Factor." This was the test editor's category, as he scored a -0.5. The Doctor advised him to practice assorted likeability techniques, like an eye-widening exercise, as "research suggests that what you say matters less than the look on your face when you're talking."

And Monz' lunch? Homemade Buffalo chicken, tavern ham, smoked turkey with sharp cheddar on a new kind of whole grain bread, rounded out with an apple and small strawberry yogurt -- undeniably likeable!
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Monday, September 12, 2005

Busted!



After having watched all five hours of the reality show Hooking Up, the editors were feeling a little unenthusiastic about the whole reality tv genre. But we think this one can't miss:

>>Donald Grump, the grouch with the most trash in the world, is looking for a new apprentice. Oscar, Grundgetta, and the other grouches can't wait to meet him because if they get chosen, they will get to keep some of Grump's trash. Elmo decides that he wants to be Grump's helper too, but just because he likes to help others. Grump puts them through counting and sorting tasks that Elmo does great at. Oscar and Grundgetta are too busy arguing and the other grouches have already been fired. Grump decides that even though Elmo succeeded at all the tasks, he is too good at being a helper to help a grouch. Elmo doesn'tmind. He gets to leave with the one thing he wanted anyway- Grump's hairpiece. Grundgetta and Oscar are both hired, but they decide that Grump's trash isn't worth it if they have to help him to get it. He leaves Oscar and Grundgetta no choice but to tell him, "You're fired!"<<

Now, we realize that today's report might leave some of our readers unsatisfied. We want you to know that we would have told you that today Monz' explorations of Waukegan lunch places continued with a walk down the street to the Uptown Cafe, the home of "Overstuffed Sandwiches that Just Don't Quit." Today was Monz first day in court here, having pulled a late-nighter in order to cover for another attorney, and he wanted to celebrate with something fun. He wants his loyal readers to be able to visualize the experience like never before in the history of the blog. But he did not order the "Jack Benny," but rather ordered the marinated chicken breast on marble rye (provolone, lettuce, tomato, pickle, chips). He concluded that it was a nice, happy place that even had a Thomas Hardy novel out on their stuff to read table. Complimenting while poking fun as only the Monz can do, he concluded: "The sandwich was indeed overstuffed; thankfully the provolone acted as glue and held it all together. It did, however, quit as I was able to finish it all, though it was close call. All in all pretty yummy." And we'd have given you this report verbatim, except at the end our eyes saw a note to the editors:

>>NOTE: this email is intended for the editors' eyes only. It is not intended to be cut and pasted on the blog because they don't feel like coming up with something, though portions may be quoted for fun and info.<<

We further realize that some readers might speculate how much of the above was indeed cut and pasted. We might respond "well, can you tell from the quoted portions" except we know that you are too smart for that and would respond "yeah, you probably quoted some to hide the fact that other portions were quoted as-well." But then we realize that you realize that we'd realize that. In conclusion, we think Marilyn Monroe put it best when she was asked if she wore falsies: "Those who know me, know me better."
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Friday, September 09, 2005

Oh Sure!

You aren't facing the expectations of friends and family to fetch them family festival day lunch. Family festival? You betcha! You can have "smoked ham panini from lavAzza! Interesting, different and yummy." Because you're the Monz! But if you're not, come on down Sunday and the editors will buy you a barbequed turkey leg and some soda bread. Because Catholic, Protestant, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Zoroastrian, or Granola-eating-harmonic-convergencing-flowerchild, nobody says "no" to Sister Rosmary!
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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Away, with Words!

The literary editor is in a pensive mood of late. The new George Saunders confirms that the man is one of the greatest writers alive (nobody else could write a comic novel about genocide and manage to be funny yet sensitive, and not in that "Life Is Beautiful" kind of way. On the other hand, the new George Saunders is barely longer than the combined stories he and Mark Monz submitted to the Wisconsin Book Festival's writing contest, yet cost $13 (paperback!). Then there is the strange phenomena of "My Sister's Keeper" -- a chicklit book that every reporting chick reports the same thing: "So riveting I couldn't put it down, but I loathed the ending." And then there's the Monz, ho combines the best qualities of Reinke and Tom Wolfe with today's report: "Today's lunch is a smoked turkhamhavartionWGapplebananayummy."
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Editors Get Edited!

In leiu of a lunch report, which has not been provided to us in timely fashion, the editors provide the following glimpse into the lengths mainstream journalists will go to protect themselves. Consider one Jim DRogatis, transplanted Joisy fanzine writer now lead music critic for the Chicago Sun-Times. On Labor Day, "DeRo" wrote a defense of Kanye West's political rants, speculating that the corporate backlash would cost West CD sales (oddly, the piece is nowhere to be found on the Sun-Times site though it's well within its 7-day available archive). One of the MYL staff fired an angry e-mail off to his personal web site. Today the Sun-Times printed part of it. See if you can guess which part:

>>I don't know where to start on your Sun-Times apologism. First, I hate Bush -- I drove miles every Sunday for weeks campaigning for John Kerry. That doesn't excuse the utter bs of your "context" excuse for Kanye West's NBC tirade.

Is race behind the FEMA failure in New Orleans? Yes, at least in-part (though it's not like we haven't seen gross incompetence and cronyism from the Administration before this). Did Bush give a license to kill African-Americans? Jesus, why are we even discussing this? Is AIDS a genocidal plot? What the fuck "context" is there for that Jim? (And if you ever listened to African-American talk radio, you know this is code for "Jewish genocidal plot"). And could the setting be any more inapropriate? Bush/GOP voters/Whites effectively called a bunch of Nazis while watching a ==charitable fundraiser====!

Lost sales my ass -- if I had to bet, I'd suspect this was a calculated move by West to cement his cred as the successor to Chuck D., done on the backs of the flood victims. Instead of letting him get away with it, why not stop the -- dare I say it? -- "quiet racism of soft expectations" and make West as responsible for the things he says as anyone who steps onto the playing field of serious politics? <<

If you guessed paragraph 3, go out tomorrow and buy yourself a yummy lunch!
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Strange Days Indeed!

Was it the proximity to the Lake County Courthouse Sunday, helping the Monz put together office furniture, and its criminal law aura? Was it the strange brew that is the Waukegan Harbor waters? Whatever it was, the effect on Tuesday is readily observable. The editors were occupied Tuesday morning tracking down an individual who forged a coworkers name on a letter to ebay demanding that an auction be turned down. The more they tracked, the worse it got, as the apparent culprit has been previously convicted of phishing and sentanced to five years probation. This required contacting the FBI, reminding us that the Monz has always stood ready to help federal (and local!) law enforcement, and has advanced the cause of their investigations in the past. For the editors, this meant a lunch at Tokyo Lunch Box for some veggie goyza and miso soup. For Monz it meant chicken ham havarti (!) on WG bread, apple, and banana.
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Friday, September 02, 2005

Poppy Got a Little Sloppy!

It's hard on a fella when he don't know his way around. Just ask Sam Cooke, or the Monz! "2 Chicago dogs from Poppy's in lovely downtown Waukegan. Ok, but the dude didn't tell me what was on it and now I am onion'ed out. Gotta find some new places here, but this one's close." Interestingly, Poppy's made repeat appearances on one man's odd, unsuccessful,... (we hesitate to include this last link, owadaheck it's Labor Day Weekend) quest (that last one is from Poppy's).
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Thursday, September 01, 2005

Your Money or Your Life -- I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking!

As Monz prepares for his new offices in the land of Jack Benny with a peach-substituted dittolunch, we take this opportunity to educate the Monz, who has some new bakeries to check out. Like Panques (pound cake with pecans and raisans), pastelitos (small cakes covered with fruit and coconut)and of course, conchas. We can hardly wait to visit and lend a helping mano!
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