Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Torn Between Porn and Scorn!
Upon opening the myl mailbox, the editors found this compelling, heart-tugging plea for help:
Dear Monz:
I really need some advice. For years I have struggled with a conflict raging inside of me. One one hand, I am a huge fan of [famous actress]. She has only done one nude scene in her career, in a Laotian art-house film. I hear it's ultra-erotic, but it's also ultra-rare. It has never been released and I've only seen one reference to a bootleg copy. It wasn't even on ebay, it was some dude on USENET who wouldn't sell it to me but insisted that I give him a "trade list." I desperately compiled everything that I had, but the only thing he said he was interested in was my videotaped collection of "Bob" -- the early 90's CBS Bob Newhart CBS series. I sent him copies but never heard from him again! Since then I have searched far and wide. Tiny classified ads in film-buff magazines. Searche engines. Metasearch engines. Nothing, until one day a link turned up for the scene in [name of large internet commercial "nekid celebrities" site]. It said the clip could be mine to download...for $8.95! My heart leapt, but then sank. You see, I come from a strict Pentacostal-offshoot church and if word ever got back to my family or the elders...it would just not be good. But this site insists on a credit card!!! The wife would ask, what is "[name of attempt to be discreet company]" and might call the 800 number listed with it before I came home from work! But I need that scene! Oh what can I do Monz, what can I do?!?!
Monz comes through: "Normally I'd advise that you join an online group, find a buddy, and send him some cash to download it for you. But whatever you do, don't go to CVS and buy one of those prepaid MasterCard (tm) debit cards that can be used just like a credit card, because when you go online to activate it you have to provide a bunch of info and even if you use a false name/address/etc. like "Joe Schmo, 000 Anonymous Street, Anywhere, NY 11101" U.S. law requires a social security number and even though these aren't reported to credit agencies, you wouldn't want to enter a wrong number now would you? Most importantly, be sure your clip conforms to 18 USC Sec. 2257 and the related 28 CFR 75, because those Laotian art house films are notorious for pushing the erotic boundaries. Or so I hear. I'm off to eat my lunch, which is a repeat of yesterday's lunch except I'm eating it at my new office suite! Good luck!"
Upon opening the myl mailbox, the editors found this compelling, heart-tugging plea for help:
Dear Monz:
I really need some advice. For years I have struggled with a conflict raging inside of me. One one hand, I am a huge fan of [famous actress]. She has only done one nude scene in her career, in a Laotian art-house film. I hear it's ultra-erotic, but it's also ultra-rare. It has never been released and I've only seen one reference to a bootleg copy. It wasn't even on ebay, it was some dude on USENET who wouldn't sell it to me but insisted that I give him a "trade list." I desperately compiled everything that I had, but the only thing he said he was interested in was my videotaped collection of "Bob" -- the early 90's CBS Bob Newhart CBS series. I sent him copies but never heard from him again! Since then I have searched far and wide. Tiny classified ads in film-buff magazines. Searche engines. Metasearch engines. Nothing, until one day a link turned up for the scene in [name of large internet commercial "nekid celebrities" site]. It said the clip could be mine to download...for $8.95! My heart leapt, but then sank. You see, I come from a strict Pentacostal-offshoot church and if word ever got back to my family or the elders...it would just not be good. But this site insists on a credit card!!! The wife would ask, what is "[name of attempt to be discreet company]" and might call the 800 number listed with it before I came home from work! But I need that scene! Oh what can I do Monz, what can I do?!?!
Monz comes through: "Normally I'd advise that you join an online group, find a buddy, and send him some cash to download it for you. But whatever you do, don't go to CVS and buy one of those prepaid MasterCard (tm) debit cards that can be used just like a credit card, because when you go online to activate it you have to provide a bunch of info and even if you use a false name/address/etc. like "Joe Schmo, 000 Anonymous Street, Anywhere, NY 11101" U.S. law requires a social security number and even though these aren't reported to credit agencies, you wouldn't want to enter a wrong number now would you? Most importantly, be sure your clip conforms to 18 USC Sec. 2257 and the related 28 CFR 75, because those Laotian art house films are notorious for pushing the erotic boundaries. Or so I hear. I'm off to eat my lunch, which is a repeat of yesterday's lunch except I'm eating it at my new office suite! Good luck!"
Comments:
0 comments
