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Friday, October 29, 2004

The Chicago Way!

Astute observers of the Chicago lunch scene have noticed that Brown's Chicken has come out with a line of sandwiches dubbed "The Chicago Way" -- hot dogs served "garden style," Italian Beef w/ green peppers, etc. They've also noticed that the owner of Brown's, Frank Portillo, has put his mug and his name on the Sunday newspaper ads. Cynics say that this is to confuse those who would avoid Brown's Chicken like the plague into thinking there is a relationship between Brown's and the Portillo's chain. Now that would be the Chicago way! So is nepotism: A return to Humboldt Pie (roast beef and cheddar on marble rye) because, you know, there's no such thing as a free lunch!

Thursday, October 28, 2004


Welcome to all visitors from Lunch Is Fun (and the sincerest form of flattery!). What's happening with Monz'lunch today? Well...

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Secret Agent Aym!

There's a woman who leads a life of danger
To every customer she meets she stays a stranger
With every lunch she plans
She risks another "G_d Damn!"
Odds are they won't be hungry until tomorrow

Secret agent Aym, secret agent Aym
They demand you produce lunch for them, and it better not be lame

Beware of DHS grads that are aging
A wad of cash can hide a fire that's raging
She snagged a free Olive Garden lunch, by golly
Chicken Parmesian to Mostacolli
The salad and bread sticks were de facto botomless

Secret agent Aym, secret agent Aym
They demand you produce lunch for them, and it better not be lame

Swingin' on the Chicago Riviera one day
And then layin' on a Belmont alley the next day
Don't let the wrong words slip
Those shady ladies are not hip
Odds are it's back to Jewel by Monday

Secret agent Aym, secret agent Aym
They demand you produce lunch for them, and it better not be lame

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The Answer Is Chili!

But what's the question? Read on. Today Monz had homemade chili (his own recipe, but mom's influence was apparent to all). He guaranteed it to be yummy. He also planned to wash it down with some LaCroix(tm) carbonated water. Anything else? Nope, except Monz, cognizant that Veronica Mars is on tonight, bade us farewell with an appropo "smell you later!" By the way, longtime readers who remember our praising of Canadian Campbell's Chunky (tm) brand chili can now judge for themselves whether we're full of beans (getit?) because it's now available in the states. Do you know what the most frequently named "secret ingredient" is in chili recipes? It's to avoid using chili powder and instead use real... :-)

Monday, October 25, 2004

Kind of a Drag!

When you forget your Whole Foods (tm) Bento Box lunch and have to settle for Jewel chickenhamcheddar. Or when you have nothing interesting to report from the weekend. Monz asked us to relate something interesting. Hmmm. Well, our political editor traveled somewhere new, the town that Mark Twain wrote had the prettiest sunsets in the entire world.. At 9:00 AM, our editor was ordered to go to Hyde Park to pick up three volunteers and head out west. It turned out that there were only two volunteers: an 60something, 6'3" African-American political activist (who regaled the car with stories from Chicago's rich past) and an University of Chicago freshman with a British accent who said he was from Fargo, North Dakota. Upon arrival four hours later, our gang of three were informed that Muscatine is the swingiest town in the swingiest swing state of them all (poll number wise, that is). How polite are Iowans? Well, when a couple of skateboarding Teen Nick(tm)-ers walked past our editor while he was canvassing, they waited until they were quite a distance away before snickering to each other "Why don't you say [candidate's name] sucks?!" "giggle-snort-giggle!" When the time came to wrap-up the canvassing and head back to HQ, the editor had a moment of fear: Tall elder and skinny younger, neither of whom had a cell phone, were not at the rendevous point (the two had teemed up at the suggestion of the editor, who feared how certain of the polite Iowans might react to a 6'3" African-American political activist at their door). False alarm, all went well, and soon the gang was back at HQ, where our editor hears somebody calling his name from behind his back. It's Hot Coed! A few minutes of talk and flirting later and the editor is wishing he hadn't taken his Centrum chewables that day...

Oh, the myl staff would like to note that we have always disliked Ashley Simpson. While some rockcrits consider her a guilty pleasure, we think "Pieces of Me" is Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" for junior high school girls.

UPDATE: We omitted to mention that the town has a unique odor wafting through it, which the editor was informed came from the manufacture of...corn syrup!

Friday, October 22, 2004

No Curses, Bennigan's Again!

Yankees fans are wondering if they are now under the "Curse of the Ruben" for trading Ruben Sierra. Monz says "Ha-Ha!" to any such similarly named curses with his sandwich order from Bennigan's.

Yesterday we told you that Monz is a rare INTJ type on the Myers-Briggs scale. So what kind of jobs would Monz enjoy? "Chemical Enginner, Lawyer, Computer System Analysis, Professor." Sounds right to us! As for our editor, he's been told that, as an ISTP, he should look into becomming a farmer or a mechanic...

"Hello, editor's room"
"Hey, it's the Monz! You should really come over and fix my car tomorrow! And bring a bushell of corn!"

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Journey to Monz!

Yesterday one of the editors went on a journey of self-discovery. No, not that -- get your mind out of the gutter! He went to a two hour seminar to take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. Or at least that was the plan. Dear reader, imagine yourself in a small grammar school classroom with five other gee..lost souls, and an elderly woman whose idea of "teaching" is to mumble through some handouts on personality types and toss out asides like "now my sister, she's an extrovert." Imagine it's a night of kick-ass television. Imagine yourself, after taking and scoring the thing, forcing the teacher to give you your official explanation book and handouts NOW because your, cough-cough, not feeling too well, and skipping out while the five envious gee...lost souls look at you with envy and disgust! Woo-hoo!

So what is the editor's type? Who cares, what's Monz type?! We gave Monz a more efficient version of the test and discovered that he is an INTJ: Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking and Perceptive (as opposed to extroverted sensing feeling judging). And now we have proof of something we already knew: Monz is a rare soul! Only 1% of the population is an INTJ. Officially INTJ's "have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-rante explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. SKEPTICAL AND INDEPENDENT, they have high standards of competence and performance -- for themselves and for others."

We'll have more on this tomorrow, but for now you are probably asking "so, what does an INTJ have for lunch?" Spaghetti special from Calluta's, what else?

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The Pride and Joy of Illinois!

Fathers and Sons pizza ("the Burger King of pizzas" - Monz), purchased by salesman Tom (different guy, different company, different dinero -- he paid! And brought a box of anonymous raisin and chocolate chip cookies. Monz had a piece of the cheese, a piece of the peperoni and the piece of the sausage. All three were unsatisfying, but hey, you get what you pay for.

Wanting to experience the total Monz lunch experience, the editors took an expensive tour of Soldiers Field, where Monz ocassionally catches the monsters of the midway. Beyond being impressed by the facility in general and the wood decor of the locker rooms, the editors were taken aback by the pricing of the food. $6 for a hot dog?! They don't call it the Cadillac Club for nothing! Ok, we can leave now.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Dare to be Wright!

Today was a good day for the Monz. After Amy announced that today would be either Pizza Hut (nope) or McDonald's (yup), Monz heads to the China Chef. Inspired by something he saw in the papers, he headed to the China Chef to put a spanking on his lunchtime hunger. Hot and sour soup, Kung Pao Chicken, small hularice and, since he slapped down a little over ten bucks, a free egg roll. The only downside was that the soup was a bit too hot (caliente) and that made the back of his throat a little sour.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Dying Air!

Chickenhamcheddar from Jewel. Reading between the lines, we understand this to be a grey lunch, devoid of passion, color and texture, consumed merely to provide fuel for physical sustenance, but nothing to nurture Monz' soul to get through the trials and travails that the day may present. On on a similarly down note, the research editor here at myl has unraveled the mystery of exactly what is the "revolutionary air cleaning technology used by the Pentagon after 9/11" touted by such products as the Fresh Air (tm) machine by Living Air (tm). Apparently these babies have two settings. The "high" setting produces a combination of negative ions and ozone, though apparently you're only supposed to run this when you ain't in the room. We here at myl already resent the Shaper Image (tm) for the marketing of its Ionic Breeze (tm), which Consumer Reports exposed as an utter fraud. Just to show you low we feel, we are compelled to paraphrase Maroon 5: Is there anyone out there because it's getting harder and harder to breathe! At least we know that Monz is a breath (indeed, blast!) of fresh air!

Friday, October 15, 2004

What Lottery Did Our Noses Just Lose?!

(Leftovers from yesterday.)

Back when Monz was an intrepid young student, he would frequently venture into the city using public transportation. As a public service, we verily represent to the Monz that todya public transportation is a far less appealing proposition. People bring their "YUMMY-YUM!" food court dreck with them, shout into cell phones, sit with their legs splayed open (ok, mostly just men do this). Brushing one's teeth in the morning has gone out of style.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

The Anti-Kix!

When it comes to rawk, you can damn well be sure that Monz knows his Kiss from your Starz, his Zep from your Kingdom Come, and his AC/DC from your Kix! Monz has many times told the editors that Kix blows. And speaking of Kix, here's a lunch that wasn't kid tested or mother approved, but Monz did and does: The China Chef for a small hot sour soup, small hularice and small curry chicken!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Return to the Joust!

Monz is overcome by a need to confront evil, connect with his inner child, and give props to the motherland. So what did he do? He purred. Not cat-like purring but something far more manly! And then he returned to our time and had himself a California Pepper Sandwich from Humboldt Pie (1001 N. California) with a white chocolate brownie and it was the cat's meow!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Monz goes for the homestyle that makes him smile -- homemade turkey chili leftover from the weekend. You have no idea how pleaesd he is!

Monday, October 11, 2004

He Did the Muenster Mash!

Jewel Chickenhammuenster. Expected to be yummy.

The editors have been presented a real life example of Murphy's Law. This weekend one of the editors was at Aldi purchasing consumables for a not-so-yummy lunch. The editors instructions specified that three shopping carts would be needed. Now, if you aren't familiar with Aldi, you might not know that the shopping carts require a quarter deposit. And you might not know that Aldi's are only open for limited hours during the day, usually starting at 9AM. To make a long story short, our editor found himself struggling mighty-edly as he tried to maneuver the shopping carts among the teeming masses, then wait in the single available checkout line (enduring laser-like stares from those in the line snaking behind him), then trying to fit all this stuff into his car, then being beset by a pack of kids asking him for seventy five cents (duh!).

Upon relaying this terrifying story to some people at the office, someone offered this blood-curdling reply: "Just be thankful it wasn't the first Saturday of the month!"

Friday, October 08, 2004

Joust You Dude!

Monz tells us he was at home for lunch eating a Mystic Pizza. We investigate and although Monz assures us it is quite good, we're left...wanting more. Something meatier. Something more primal. Something medieval! And not some fake 21st century tomato-chicken poo but a real 14th Century treat: Mawmenny!(you gotta scroll down for your crown).

Thursday, October 07, 2004


We got a message...something about being out of the office...Au Bon Pain...eating in the car...yummy. Who is Monz' cell phone provider anywhoo?

Wednesday, October 06, 2004


Back from where what makes Milwaukee famous is from, Monz heads to Jeff's for a turkey/bacon club, with 90% less bacon. Why? "Because bacon is evil." "100% evil?" "90% evil."

We don't know what the Monz thinks of Bell's beer, which is not from Milwaukee but rather is from the Kalamazoo Brewing Company (we quite like it ourselves), but we think their ad copy is something that Monz would have written. It's smu...er, confident. In fact, we could see it used for Monz beer...

"...Truth is, Monz' is awfully popular with people who, well, really like beer. You see, this is beer with a point of view. I've built a dedicated following among those who believe beer should have certain things. Like taste. People who think that beer should have a philosophy and some principles behind it. If you enjoy the cold Monz brew you're drinking right now, great. But if you don't , we're not about to apologize. And since my curiosity and craft leads us to brew all kinds of beer, we're pretty sure there's a good chance you'll find one you do like. If, you know, you like beer."

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The King Wakes Up!

Today Monz was forced to go to BK and asked for the editors' advice on damage control. We didn't hesitate: get the Angus(tm)! By far the best burger we've had there, plus it doesn't actually come from BK, plus they seem to know they have to cook it really well (because it's so thick) in order to avoid massive liability. When Monz told us that, relatively speaking, it wasn't half-bad, we were so proud of ourselves! But then Monz turned ill and a cold shudder ran through us: we had assumed he would get a diet coke. He got a vanilla shake. Bad us!

A research project by the highly regarded polling firm Penn, Schoen & Berland with the well-known branding firm Landor Associates have identified brands that likely Bush, Kerry and undecided voters associate with the candidate.

Bush supporters associate the President with Folgers coffee, Ford cars, Subway fast food and Bud Light beer. They associate Starbucks, BMW, McDonald's and Heineken with Kerry.

Kerry supporters tend to agree about Bush: they ssociate the President with Dunkin' Donuts coffee, Ford cars, McDonald's fast food and Bud Light beer. However they associate their man with Starbucks, Ford, Subway, and Samuel Adams. (The undecided voters kinda split the difference).

And Monz? He answered as follows:

a) coffee: Bush = eight O'clock Kerry = Starbucks

b) car: Bush = Lexus Kerry = GMC Yukon

c) fast food: Bush = KFC Kerry = Portillo's

d) beer: Bush = Milwaukee's Best Kerry = Heineken

Monday, October 04, 2004

This Non-Peasant Army!

He lived (but it was scarrrry!). Today: Jewelwich.

Our intrepid editor returned to the land of corn for more agitating, only to find a starkly different experience from last week. No Hot Coed's in sight. Instead he was accompanied by Andrea Dworkin and Michael Stipe cloneonions. The editor was caught in many shameless chest-level non-stares ("uh, sorry I can't look at you, gotta keep my eyes on the road dontchaknow" - telekinesis editor). Instead of splitting up and going door-to-door on foot, this group wanted to drive around to different houses and take turns going to the door, leaving our editor to do the driving. Which was fine, although he was puzzled by the pair's bewilderment at their reception, which they preceived as chilly and/or mocking. By the end of the last trailer park visit, they were a disenchanted lot who vowed that next time they would brave the Iowa slums (the same ones the editor braved with Hot Coed the week before) and register the disenfranchised masses.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Amber Alert!

Having informed the Monz that the editors would be on the road, dilligently researching deep background in Monz' hometown for the sake of enhancing future posts, we were confident that Monz would update us as-to lunch, especially when hel told us he was going to be having frightening chicken burritos from some place the office hadn't been to in years. But we've heard...nothing! If you see the Monz, please contact the proper authorities immediately, and we don't mean the West North Eastern reporters either!

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