monzyummylunch

For Those About to Law, We Salute You!

You can't keep a good ladylawyer down, so Monz' better half is striking out on her own as a named partner in a new firm. So what would her old firm do for a send off? In true Swirsky style, they sent her to Malnati's, or rather they sent someone to bring it back. Monz was there and we salute her! As opposed to radio-ad-hawking shucksters who salute themselves! We didn't even need to see the Mancow-reference (this instills confidence?) before we thought to ourselves "turd blossom."

, Not Drugs!

The word came from on high.

"They need a hug."

"Who?" we asked. But Monz would not say, other than to let us know that somewhere in the vast reaches of this blog, someone or someones whose life, or lunch, is guided by Monz needs a hug. And Monz, as you knew he would, provides guidance. We here at Monzyummylunch are humbled that he has involved us in this noble quest. So, dear hug-deprived reader, this is for you. But first, how about a tavern ham and turkey sandwich on whole grain bread, carrots and a banana?

Every Streetlamp Beats a Fatalistic Warning!

When the head editor was a little child, his mother used to take him to swimming lessons at the local high school. Then they would make a very short drive down the road to Anthony's, where the editor would get a hamburger, fries, and a Coke (tm). The editor loved Anthony's. Yet when he was old enough to attend this high school, Anthony's was no more -- it had become Tony's Subs. The editor thought these subs had way too much oil and oregano in them and never returned. Oh wait, he lied, he returned once, when there was a power outage and he was sent out to bring his family something for dinner.

Monz does not share this memory. "Today I ate a delicious whole turkey sub with olive's from Tony's Subs in DF. Yummy."

Destiny Fulfilled!

Looking at the newspaper ad for the upcomming Destiny Child's concert, we were impressed by the sheer amount of marketing shoved into one 1/8 page ad. "McDonald's Presents..." "Destiny Fulfilled...And Loving It (r) Tour" "In association with BET" "Charter One Pavillion" "Album In stores Now!" As for the show itself, they will be performing not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, not 8, not 9, not 10, not 11, not 12, not 13, not 14, not 15, not 16, not 17, not 18, not 19 but "20 #1 Hits!" (another false advertising case for the legal staff? Nope, those are r&b #1 hits, bub). "Performing Individually & Together" And best of all "15 Costume Changes Designed by the House of Dereon"

That's nothing, Monz barely changed half of his clothes on his trip to Michigan and managed to crank tunes all the trip long! This earned him the yummy lunch of Turkey + Tavern Ham, cheddar, carrots and dressing...and a peach! We still don't know what Tavern Ham is.

UPDATE!

Who is Mr. Six really?. This guy has the goods. A few more scoops like this and he might be ready to join the staff.

Bob Seger Yummy Lunch!

Up with the sun, gone with the wind,
Nobody said he was lazy
Leavin' his home, leavin' his friends,
Runnin' when things get too crazy.
Out on the road, out 'neath the stars,
Feelin' the breeze, passin' the cars.

Travelin' man, lunch where he can,
Turn loose his hand 'cause it's paying
Travelin' man, catch if you can,
But sooner or later he's sailing

Sometimes at two, reflux does face him
He feels the traces they left on his soul.
And those are the memories that make him a wealthy soul.
Like cobb salad and chilli from Casey's in New Buffalo (Michigan - Seger, geddit?) "Salad was yummy with a bit of too much avocados and onions. The chili was watery but tasty, though I only had about three spoonfuls because it was too much food."

The Candy Man Can!

Though in real life he was kind of a nasty bugger, he'll have to do for today because we haven't received a lunch report from the Monz. Here he is waxing nostalgic on his favorite childhood candy. At the time the only kind of sweets available were unbranded, handmade penny candies. Dahl favored a sherbert sucker wrapped in licorice: "you sucked the sherbert [powder] up through the straw and when it was finished you at the licorice...the sherbert fizzed in your mouth, and if you knew how to do it, you could make white froth come out of your nostrils..."

Of Counsel!
Dear Yum! Brands:

We represent the Monz and his legions of followers. It has come to our attention that your company, which owns the KFC, Taco Bell, Long John Silvers and Pizza Hut fast food chains, has violated Illinois Deceptive Trade Practices Act (815 ILCS Sec. 510)by falsely characterizing your food products as yummy. See: Société Française du Radiotéléphone-SFR v. Karen, Case No. D2004-0386 (WIPO Arbitration and Mediation Center, 2004)(world damnation by dominant word segment). We demand you disgourge your profits before any more innocent lunchers disgourge the contents of their stomachs! Alternatively, you may add the Monz Value Meal (Corned beef, organic mustard on WG bread, carrots, peach) to each of said resturants' menus.

We await your prompt response.

It's Bad to be Green!

We were struck by the mournful tone yet lyrical prose of today's report:

"today i sadly ate 2 ballpark turkey franks which I grilled. not yummy. I also had blue corn chips and carrots."

In sad counterpart, we note this passage from the opening chapters of the legal fiction de jure, Kermit Roosevelt's "In the Shadow of the Law." We knew we were entering pretentiousland when we encountered vocabularly-busters like "sclading benison" and "costly unguents." Then we reached this bit of antimonzdom:

"Most of the office doors on his floor were closed, which was to be expected....This displeased [the managing partner], who liked certainty. He did not see the need for associates' offices to have doors; indeed, he didn not see why associates needed offices at all. He would have preferred them to work at computer stations or an open floor, or in transparent cubicals, their every act circumscribed by the rigid intelligence of time and motion studies. But the law had yet to find its Frederick Taylor, and the recruiting committee had advised him that moving associates into cubicles would hurt hiring efforts."

The Leak!

So hesitant were we to publish the following story, because once published it will probably force powerful people to drastically change their plans, we asked the Monz if he'd want us to sit on this. "Hell no!" he said without hesitation. "Monz stands for the truth, nothing but the truth, and never but now." Thus, we reprint what appears to be a draft of a speech that was faxed to our offices.

"My fellow Americans. In these times of promise and challenge, a leader must have the courage to lead. Recently the Honorable Justice Sandra Day O'Connor tendered her resignation from the Supreme Court, which I have reluctantly accepted. She has served her nation with the upmost honor and unparlleled dignity. Now it falls upon me, as President, to nominate someone who will not only live up to her legacy, but surpass it. In our nation's past, farsighted Presidents have shaken off the shackles that bound them to select judges who currently sit on the bench. In that spirt, I proudly nominate the Monz to United States Supreme Court. Monz knows that it was the founders intent that all citizens should eat lunch. He will protect the inailiable right to the pursuit of lunch happiness. Yet he holds as self-evident the truth that all lunches are not created equal. Indeed, as I spoke with Monz just this afternoon, I was struck by the humility in which he described today's lunch of a corn beef sandwich on whole grain bread, which actually sounded tastier than the sawdust creation Laura's new White House chef put in front of me this afternoon. Just between you and me, citizens, this is why I kept Rummy around -- he'll eat anything. (Be sure to edit that out, Frum, and put in some of that family man stuff)."

People Everywhere Just Wanna Be Free-Gan!

Monz is at home, so you just know that lunch will be yummy. Putney's butternut squash pasta with real Vermont maple syrup, accompanied by Delmore spicy marinarra sauce. But maybe you'd prefer to live off the fat of the land -- modern day style. That would make you a freegan. We're happy to give you a tip to get you started!

Inauspicious!

Year three gets off to a somber start, as Monz' report was a double dirty dog dirge: Vicki's last day at the company combined with the tyranny of the majority forced Monz to break a vow: Father & Son pizza. Monz would have said more but we had to put a stop to the suffering right then and there. Tr...try to have fun this weekend. We..we..we'll be alright...

"Mmmm, Mayo, Mmmm-Mmmm!"

That's right, it's our second anniversery! And in the munificient spirit that guides Monzyummylunch, we ask that you go out today and order the lunch you want without guilt. For Monz, that means a double-day special (since it's the last official company lunch in its present entity) lunch, celebratory and yummy and new: ostrich filet sandwich (!), ranier cherries (!!) and miniture grapes (!!!).

As for us, some of the staff is out dedicating the day to doing good deeds. The rest are celebrating, and you can check out the party at this web cam.

Mail Call!

Tortellini drenched in white ceasar dressing and yogurt. Monz says "yum!"

Time to check the Monzyummylunch mailbag:

"I frequently want to e-mail friends some of Monz' sage advice, but there are not permanent links to the daily posts. Even if I give them instructions on how to search the archives, sometimes the screen scroll gets stuck in the browser. Please help!"

Your wish is our command! Permalinks are definitely on our to-do list. As for the other, our technical staff has reported that the fault for the browswer's stop-short move lies with Microsoft and not the webmaster or Blogger(tm). But our technical staff do not wear clothes befitting of Best Buy's "Geek Squad," the "Geeks on Call" chain or "Geek in Your Face" so we're suspicious and will continue to monitor the problem.

"We've been following this blog for a while and are of the opinion that Monzyummylunch is a cult out to brainwash the world into following this meglomaniac. What do you think of that?"

In the words of Yoda, "read carefully, you have must not." For we ask, what is the essence of Monz if not freedom and individuality? You'll be hard-pressed to find a single demand in the litterally hundreds of blog entries Monz' inspiration has graced us with. In contrast, colorful demagogs such as Hulk Hogan have issued legions of "Demandments," targetted at children no less! Is that what you're saying, you hate kids? Well? Huh? Well?! Huh?! Listen, Joyboy, go read Ernie.

"I have been looking for a lawyer like the Monz for --decades--! [details of case redacted]. Can Monz take my case?"

We get many letters like yours. Because of the time pressure Monz is on, we must screen them to determine whether there is jurisdiction in those many places where Monz is licensed to practice law. Unfortunately, our legal staff has determined that your case could only be brought in the nation of Guernsey, which coincidentally has great archery facilities.

Next Time Try a Bath!

Once (and only once...for now) more with the dunked dog and basted brat!

Last month there was a bit of a buzz (no pun intended) over a Washington Post article on coffee habbits. It seems the Seattle Univeristy School of Law is highly critical of its students Starbucks habits. For example, one Kristen Daniels graduated with $115,000 in student loans (is that a "ha-ha" we hear in the echoey phone line shadows?), and the school doesn't think she should be spending $3 per day on her espresso drink. The full magnitude of this alleged fiscal irresponsiblilty can be found here. "A latte a day on borrowed money - it's crazy" says Ericka Lim, director of career services. Lim v. Daniels, 2005 WaPo AR0506701266 (emphasis added). Daniels disagrees. "I would be a very crabby person without my comfort latte"

The editors were sympathetic to Daniels, realizing that the $3 is buying more than just the drink but the whole coffeehouse experience. We think back to days when we repeatedly beseached the Monz to visit our then second-favorite coffeehouse, the Blue Vervain. We fondly recall the day Monz visited and we all guzzled hot coffee (ours flavored with real hazlenuts) and munched on organic nachos. But Monz sliced through these smokey memories with a hammer of karmic justice: "Heh, you deserve it - the backbreaking decades of crushing debt, the ability to go to a giant firm but the inability to enjoy it because of the heavy debt. Hee hee hee! Hee hee! Hee hee! Hee!...Yes, print that, that's the mood I'm in!

Of Legends and Lifespans!

First lunch:

Monz has not ate
Lunch will be late
But the past two were so great
Monz must replicate

Second: Ask the Expert:

Having come into possession of this year's Northbrook Days schedule, we asked the Monz for his reaction to the closing day musical line-up of "Classic Rock All Stars." First we asked Monz to tell us if he recognized the name. Then, after filling in the 411, we asked Monz' evaluation of said individual.

MYL: "Peter Rivera"
M: "no clue"
MYL: "Rare Earth"
M: "euuuhhhhh"

MYL: "Jerry Corbetta"
M: "no clue"
MYL: "Sugarloaf"
M: "eh. not as bad as Rare Earth."

MYL: "Mike Pinera"
M: "oh yeah, he was in some 60's band."
MYL: "Iron Butterfly"
M: "kick $FD#@! ass!"

MYL: "Dennis Noda"
M: "no clue"
MYL: "Cannibal and the Headhunters"
M: "blech."

MYL: "What if we told you all these individuals will performing at Northbrook Days in Northbrook, IL for one incredible night?"
M: "There's only one thing I could say, I'm there!...Wait, it's just them, not their bands?!?!"

The Roos Is Up!

Further investigating by the crack myl staff has revealed:

- The announcer's name (or the one he is using) is Dolf De Roos, a New Zelander who looks like a younger Senator Robert Byrd.

- Additional calls were made to each radio spot featuring either a ringing cell phone or offer of a free introductory tape. The same "don't let the calller talk" hard sell was made for each with almost identical processes (except we told the Rosetta Stone language course dude that we were unemployed but we were going to ask our ex-spouse for the money later because we really thought the course (Spanish -- Americas edition) would help us land a job in the food service business.

We smell Pulitzer.

Rich, Very Rich!

No "real" lunch today ("Whatever I can rumage from the fridge.")

The editors, inspired by the Monz, engaged in a little investigative reporting today. For months our radio airwaves have been inundated by a commercial offering a foolproof real estate system by one "Dolff Daruss," a Brit (we think) who will teach us how to become "rich , very rich" (followed immediately by the sound of a cell phone ringing). So we dialed-up the toll free number to get our free tape, using the special MYL phone (which has caller-id blocked). The friendly young woman took our name and address. She seemed slightly put-off when we gave her a PO Box, but perked-up when she asked if we were novices to real estate (we are) and if we're interested in making money in real estate (oh yes, we believe that there is a real estate bubble and when it crashes we think there will be some real opportunities and want to know how to take advantage of them - yay!). She asked for our phone number and we helpfully gave her the MYL efax number, in case, you know, she wanted to fax us something.

Then she excitedly told us (summarizing here) how Dolff's system would work in good times and bad and how now he was providing a special computer program that would tell us how much money we could expect to make from any given property (residential or commercial) and how he had combined forces with Nightingale-Covent and packaged his program with N-C's real estate program and how for shipping and handling charges we would get the whole package to review for 30-days. We declined. Why? she asked with a hurt tone, when a mailer would be included to return the package. "Well, actually we're going to be kinda busy in the next month." But N-C are no fools, they were ready for us. "Actually we are offering you sixty days to review, so there's absolutely no risk." Oooh, clever. But we shamelessly blabbered that while we saluted such an upstanding policy, we are neurotic about feeling pressured and still needed to demure.

(pause) "So you're not really serious about making money, are you?"
"Actually, no, not right now -- as we told you, we think there's a real estate bubble and won't be doing anything until the crash. So...do we still get the free tape?"

We are told that we will, and if and when it arrives we will report. But one more observation: soon after Dolff hit the airwaves, we heard another dude hawking a real estate system on the radio and offering a free tape. We forget the name, but he had an American accent. And his ad also had a cell phone ringing. You don't think he's partnered with N-C too, do you?

Not If You Were the Last Cashier on Earth!

Monz' lunch was so nice, he had it twice: a note for note repeat of yesterday. Can you Dig! it?

Master of the Art!

"I'm glad you asked!" said the Monz. "Are you buckled in for a yummy lunch ride?"

"Two days ago, I took some delicious brats and some delicious old style hot dogs and soaked them. In beer. In so much beer -- a delicious bled of brews. Belgium delirum terremus (clueless editors' spelling, though now-clued-in to the fact that this is beer has a very high alcohol content and is wheat-based) and, to fill out the bowl, a couple of coronas. Spicccccce! I soaked them not for a couple of hours, not for an afternoon, but two full days. Then I barbequed them to perfection -- perfectly golden brown with a little bit of split going on. I will have one brat and one dog, with Whole Foods carrots and an apple."

Kiss Our Grits!

Mark Monz (after lunching on cheeseburgers at the Coral Gables in Saugatuck Michigan this Friday), settles in for a chicken munster sandwich with his favorite carrots (the ones with the ranch-y sauce). Meanwhile, this 4th of July weekend the editors did a bit of All Amurikun shopping -- they went to Wal-Mart -- where they were told they could find some of their favorite breakfast food, instant flavored grits. Alas, it was the same old instant plain grits that you find at Jewel. But thanks to the wonderds of the internet, the editors found their beloved grits here, including the rare country ham and gravy. Yay! Somewhere, someone would approve. But this stuff wasn't any good when it first came out, and nostalgia won't make it taste any better today!

Genetics!

The editors were watching the season finale of Hit Me Baby One More Time and had a crisis of faith which we will need to address with the Monz next week. For the meantime, we think somethings are just destiny:

Three Days Early!

Apparently Monz believes it's independence day...from blogging! Nope, haven't heard anything yet. So the editors will wish you happy grilling, easy cleanups, cheap (but quality) booze and great sex with the one you love. And if you can't be with the one you love, ...oh forget it -- see you on the flip side Tuesday. Let lunch ring!