monzyummylunch

Forever!

The word means a lot of things. "A mighty long time" says The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. A Judy Bloom novel that elementary school teachers need to be cautious about (because the kids have sex and, as the Education Editor's teacher college reading methods instructor put it, "nothing bad happens.") Or a certain prank that Monz and you need to...be on the lookout for. It involves taking a pair of socks and pulling them over two rolls of newspaper, then stuffing them in a pair of old boots. Place them square in front of a toilet stall, then lock the door from the inside and climb out of the stall. Scientific studies show that nobody ever checks for more than the legs. More nefarious, the prankster always has an available watercloset.

Kinda like the CSC always has a lunch available for Monz, like today's Greek Chicken sandwich, baked lays, and a blessedly non-diet cookie.

The Place for Answers!

Last night was a momentous occasion as Monz returned to the stage after many years, kind of like the way an injured slugger does a stint in Class A ball before returning to the big leagues. The plan was to jam at an area open mike night (where the jammers come onstage in groups). How did it go down? How did lunch go down? We found out this afternoon. And because our readers are so smart, we are going to post Monz' answers to our questions and let you, dear reader, surmise the questions!

In the car.

Office.

Home.

Waiting for contractor dudes.

Oh yeah, I ate lunch. Do youw want to know what it is?

Liver sausage on a toasted bagel, string cheese and an apple.

I suppose.

Liverwurst?

Last night was [expletive] heinous

You could say that -- yeah it was bad.

(pause - no question)

First of all, it's hosted by [Host Who Cannot Be Named] and you know who [Host Who Cannot Be Named] is -- the music place on old familiar road?

Yeah, you know, he's always been a dick to me even when I was a little kid and he used to sell guitars out of the back of his car. SO they have this kinda sensible policy where you have to hit the stage tuned up or that's it. So they anounce my name ...I whip my guitar out and pull out my tuner, and my tuner is broken (burP) so I start freaking out. So some dude lends me his tuner but...it's a piece of shit...so I ran out into the hallway and try to tune it by ear but I can't hear a fucking thing because the band is so loud...I get it tuned to a reaosonbale semblence and hit the stage and [Host Who Cannot Be Named] goes out of his mind, "this is what happens..." hissy fit...and I'm thinking ...but can't afford to take a break so he pulls out his tuner and ...."line go in the middle"....this is horrible...

Now, on the signup sheet it asks what kind of music, right?

(to the editors:) Fuck you, it wasn't funny at all!

I wrote "really simple blues and rock" because I didn't want my very first time to be some tune I've never played before and try to figure it out. First tune is real simple, no big deal. He nods over to me and I play a solo. It wasn't the worst or best ...[Host Who Cannot Be Named] rolling eyes, apparently I'm supposed to keep going, tries to signal to keyboard guy but I'm blocking his line of vision. The tune ends and I'm thinking ok, I lived, not bad. [Host Who Cannot Be Named] says "ok, Stormy Monday in (odd key)" old blues standard but it's not typical, way more complicated. So I'm trying to figure it out and there's a singer guy he's got the sheet music so I'm looking at it and the sheet is in the key of A and I'm trying to figure it out and transpose it -- it's not the most hard thing to do in the world but it's hard when you're up on stage for the first time in years, so I turned the volume on my guitar way down but he nods me a solo and I play it but the chord progression doesn't fit a standard (key) and it sounds like crap. I make it through the tune and we live. [Host Who Cannot Be Named] says "one more tune" and it's anounced -- some standard blues tune in the key of C. So, ok, fine I can play that easy enough and I'm playing it and this one I can totally solo to and, of course, no solo for Monz, no nod, and he's denied (burp). So I was like fuck it, I'm out of there. And everyone in the audience was like "Oh man, you were good!" but I wasn't in the mood and thinking [deleted] (emphasis added by editors)

I stuck around to watch the next group, who were really good and knew the tunes already. [Host Who Cannot Be Named] likes to play with them.

Go West, Young Man!

Dear MYL:

Oh sure, Monz grew up in Lake County, Monz is all over Lake County, Monz IS Lake County, but what about us up here in neighboring McHenry County? Has Monz no love for us? Has he ever kept on trucking down Route 120 and made a quick left onto FISH LAKE ROAD then turned left on MOLIDOR ROAD to check out the Grant Cemetary? Has he kept going on Molidor past Route 12 to check out the CASTLE ZOOM and later the VOLO BOG. Has he (e-mail me for more directions but we're on a tour here) been to HELL II? Has he dined with his hon in FOX LAKE and checked out the view at BLARNEY ISLAND? Has he followed in the shoes of Tom Waits and been moved to song by JOHNSBURG? Driven the bluffs of RIVER ROAD and bounced along the gentle hills that abut the McHenry Dam to the west and the MORAINE HILLS to the east. Seen the most famous HOUSE WITH NO CORNERS outside of Beverely Hills, CA (and ours was first!). Gone to a drive-in at the MCHENRY OUTDOOR THEATER? Wellhuhwellhuhwellhuh?!?!

Dear Rube, er, McHenryite. We don't know. We'll ask him. But we won't ask if you had anything as delicious as corned beef and turkey with horsey mustard on whole grain, apple, banana, string cheese with jokes (take that Al Franken) and jello-y things sans sucre for lunch, because we've been to McHenry County! (Just funnin' ya son, we like MC, but dude...)

Returning the Favor!

Monz and Lake County. Lake County and Monz. Monz and Fffffffffffff...ffffflicksssssss. Flicks and Monz. Some things just go together. Thus, courtesy of the EIC's mom, we recommend the following CLE class to the Monz. It is offered through the College of Lake County Discovery! Program ("A program for adult learners with a young attitude."): "Waukegan, North Chicago & the Movies: The Waukegan/North Chicago region has had a long connection with the film industry, from as far back as 1895 to as recent as Spring 2004. Learn the history, people, events and locations that have made this area attractive to the moviemakers." Wednesday, Oct. 4, 9-11am, $14.

Monz also goes well with a Monzmade sloppy joe lunch, said sloppy joe mix created from scratch, stiring in tomatoes and chilies "and some sweet/sour stuff." The reaction from home was that it was some of the best ever made, so Monz had to bring some leftovers to lunch. Add an apple, a banana, string cheese (with jokes on the wrappers) and two sugar free jello thiniges.

Take Us Out to the Ballgame!


We received the following e-mail:

Howdy-hi! I've been following the blog for a few years now and didn't think it was good for much more than an ocassional insight from the Monz or chuckle at the editors' bumblings. But a recent trip to the ballgame showed me just how profoundly Monz has changed my life. That's me, second from the left. Take a look at the clueless, confused and sad people around me. I think one of them is named "Ernie." They're completely lost, their shocked and frightened faces saying more than words ever could. Now look at me. That idiot Mike Lowell interrupted my lunch and I'm outraged! Before I was just one of the masses living a life of quiet desperation. Now I stand out, I stand tall, I stand with lunch and I stand with Monz!

Signed: Lean, Mean, Lunch-eating Machine

Dear Machine: Good for you! And today that means you're standing with a corned beef and turkey sandwich with pepperjack cheese and horsey mustard on whole wheat bread, an apple, a banana and two jello sugar free things.

Anyone Can Cook!

That is the title of one of the adult ed classes at the Latin School the EIC is considering. Here's the catalog description:

>>Anyone Can Cook: Basic Cooking 101
Explore basic cooking techniques with ELIZABETH ISAACS, professional chef and former cooking school director for Sur La Table who also has worked with the Levy Organization. Isaacs and a partner now operate Kiddy Cuisine. She will use her experience gathered at the Culinary Institute of America, The Food Network, and Food & Wine magazine to help you learn knife skills, various cooking techniques including sautéing and roasting, and basic baking. Isaacs also will share shortcuts and cooking tips. Learn to make homemade acorn squash ravioli with sage butter, classic "steakhouse"-style chopped salad, grilled skirt steak with a red wine and mushroom sauce, and banana oatmeal cookies. You will taste what is prepared and receive recipes so you can duplicate these dishes at home. (Limit: 13) <<

As we did last year, we consulted Monz for his opionion. He was intrigued by the chopped salad...

"Ok, first you take the lettuce and then you chop it. Dude, I saved you...how much?"

We're not sure if anyone can cook, but anyone could order up the vaguely familiar Subway (tm) lunch of a footlong turkey on hearty Italian with both sweet and hot peppers.

Closing Time!

It was a sad day of closings here in Chicago. Santa's Village? Closing. Brent Books (where, while the EIC lustily perused and purchased 1/2 priced books, a busy downtown visiting Monz politely browsed before politely telling the EIC it was time to go to lunch!)? Closing. The members' exhibition at the Woman Made Gallery (where a friend of the blog had an exhibit [go to the far right column, six rows down - the cool quadranty thing])? Closing.

Real estate deals all about town? Closing -- with Monz' help! And Monz is helped by an Italian pasta lunch at Louie's (with salad and Italian bread in the company of many lawyers).

Where I Can Find My Brave Lunch!

The Political Editor (PE) has been very upset with all the controversy over Senator George Allen Jr., who we hear used the word "Macca." We all know that this is an affectionate nickname for Paul McCartney. But what most people don't know is that Macca is something of a prophet and sage. The EIC had endurre...er, listened to Monz all but say as much for years but was dubious until he was listening to "Live and Let Die" and had an epiphany. Immediately, he called the Monz.

"Ok, first Paul tells us to return to the alpha ("when you were young and your heart was an open book, you used to say live and let live"), then reminds us that life is change ("but in this ever changing world in which we live in") and has insidiously turned us against our innocent nature ("makes you give in and cry, say live and let die"), focused on the petty struggles of our meager existence ("what does it matter to ya, when you got a job to do you got to do it well, you got to give the other fellow hell). And by telling us this in the context of a movie, he provides a path to return to that primal innocence, when what did we care about most? Food! Popcorn! Snow Caps! Swedish Fish!"

"Uh, yeah dude, I think you're getting it."

Several similar conversations ensued. The mainstream media will stop at nothing to destroy prophets like Monz and Macca. So fight back! Monz did, with a very Macca-like vegetarian at-home lunch (we're singing: "unacustom that I am...") of an ultra PBJ on whole grain with natural peanut butter crunchy and lemon-pear jellyjam, with fat free sugar free jello snacks.

UPDATE!

The PE reports that Senator Allen used the term "maccaca," not "macca." That's some messed up caca, and we don't mean futbol! Anyway, nevermind...

Goes Around, Comes Around!

Tragedy: no lunch for Monz (he's too busy tending to Mrs. Monz, who suffered an injury over the weekend but is back home recuperating).

If our memories serve correctly, Monz was once either a) an Insane Coho Lip or b) a friend of the ICL's. So we expect he was interested to hear that on Friday, after many many years, Steve Dahl and Gary Meier burried the hatchet. If you missed it you can hear it here (8/18), though we think all you really need to do is check out that survey (courtesy Crow On)!

Jamba Juche!


Some call it a communist doctrine. Some call it a religion. We call it for what it is: a theft! Juche: the official belief of North Korea (sometimes called Kim Il Sungism) is centered on a belief of self-sufficiency, which in-turn justifies the impoverished nation's isolationism. Please. Monz has always been self-sufficient when it comes to lunch, sometimes to the point of the editors berrating him (to no effect) for too many made-at-home lunches in a row. Clearly these North Korean choadas have transcended time to steal Monz' shining path, er, concept. Which leaves us with two choices: go around wearing Monz pins wherever we go, or heading to Hussey's for a hot corned beef sandwich and sweet potato fries. Or both!

How to Make a Worm Squirm!

Monz inspires greatness, in lunch and in life, and with this as a guide we asked the Political Editor to stir the pot, agitate, and inspire us to action. His response: take the Porkbusters' Challenge!. Currently there is a secret hold in the senate blocking an important piece of legislation. This bill would uncover secret recipients of your taxdollars, making them easily findable on the web. Well, Monz is all about uncovering secrets!

Who are the satanic senators submerging this sensible solution to these soul-selling squanderers of our security? It's a secret! We say let the sunshine in: call your senator (the phone number will appear when you place the cursor over their smiling mug) and ask if they're the secret!

Monz' lunch is not a secret! It's a footlong turkey on Hearty Italian, lots of vinegar and oil and both kinds of peppers. K.C. Masterpiece baked Lays to add a little spice, though Monz is not impressed.

And, since every appearance of the word "secret" invariably brings a reflexive accusation by the Monz that the editorial staff includes his secret "santa" admirer, we again state for the record that we're not the secret!

One of Those Days!

Sometimes even the shining spirit of Monz cannot inspire the editors to prose worthy of his munificence. But do know that Monz went to Louie's for their round of beef sandwich (kind of like French Dip), asked for cheese on it, and a side salad.

Scuzzy Lunch!

Heh-heh! How is everybody doing? It's me, Scuz the Rat, from Microsoft Bob, the best "social computing" operating system that you never used! The EIC is a big fan of MB (in fact, he looks a little like Bob), owning a rare surviving copy of the software.

Speaking of the EIC, he is so embarassed by being scooped by G-Man that he asked me to fill-in. No problem! As you can see from my picture, Monz and I share something in common: we are both guitar playing gods! So I asked the Monz, what's his favorite guitar vituosity performance? "Are we talking about, like, Jimi Hendrix?" "Yes!" "Jimi Hendrix! I'm digging the version of "Hear My Train A-Commin'" that is on...hang on a sec and I'll tell you...Stages 1970 Atlanta. That version rocks!"

And, in honor of yesterday's blog non-spam, Monz has a reuben panini from the CSC, with a delicious ear of corn sprinkled with lemon salt from a street vendor outside of the courthouse.

Announcing the California Dreaming Constest!


Monz heads to the CSC, only to find throngs of jurors swarming the place, forcing him to grab a premade "California Turkey Sandwich" (which has nothing California-y about it save a "weird bun").

But it got us dreaming about driving to California back in the good old days, cruising down Route 66, and seeing Burma-Shave signs the whole route! Students of history may recall in the pioneering days of computer communications, the Editor Emiritus used to post Burma-Shave messages on a certain 4-telephone line Chicago BBS. Back then the closest thing to a world wide web was Channel One, Exec PC, Rusty 'n Edie's for pinups and Monz and the EE goofing on Saudi Arabia (yeah Al Queda, that was us, come and get us!)

In that spirit we anounce the "MYL-Burma Shave Sign" contest. The winner with the wittiest Monz-lunch related Burma-Shave signs wins a classic rock album on CD from the Monz' own collection, perfect for a road trip!

To get you started, here are a couple of samples:

THE QUEEN
OF HEARTS
NOW LOVES THE KNAVE
THE KING
RAN OUT OF
BURMA-SHAVE

GRANPA KNOWS
IT AIN'T TOO LATE
HE'S GONE
TO GIT
SOME WIDDER BAIT
BURMA-SHAVE

THE CANNIBALS
TOOK JUST ONE VIEW
AND SAID
HE LOOKS TOO NICE
TO STEW
BURMA-SHAVE

Husseyfit!

In the editors experience, any place that serves sweet potato fries is pretty decent. Monz has higher standards, explaining why he gives a "eh" to the cuisine to Hussey's (but a "hey" for ambience), where he ordered a reuben on marble rye (and the aforementioned sweet-tayter fries).

When we ran out, we ran out to White Hen. For a deli sandwich. For anything on Christmas or Thanksgiving Day. For coffee at 3:00 AM. Alas, no more: White Hen has been bought-up by 7-Eleven. We here are myl aren't old enough to remember when the name "Seven-Eleven" was a reference to the chain's long hours (believe it or not, 7AM-11PM used to impress people). But we're close -- maybe 6AM - 12PM. Anyway, White Hen used to kick 7-Eleven's booty in terms of locations/quality/advertising. But somewhere down the line they lost their way. Soon we saw used-to-be-white-hen's with the neon signs removed, replaced by plastic banners with similar names like "Hometown Pantry."

The revolution will not be franchised.

Deep Thoughts, Not Deepak!

From the MYL mailbag:

"Dear editors: I preface my question by assuring you that I'm not trying to be snarky or mean and ask this with all the love in the world I can muster for you and the Monz given that I don't know you. How do I really know that I should try one of these lunches, rather than, say, a lunch at random. Signed: a perplexed eater."

Dear Perplexed: your question is most welcome! First, a brief clarification: we here at myl do not say that you must eat what Monz eats for lunch, though you are certainly free to do so! We only ask that you open your mind and allow Monz to inspire you through the neglected, sacred meal that is lunch. Yes, this requires Soren's old "leap of faith," yet just as the editors believe there is no conflict between true science and true faith, we are not afraid that readers will not follow Monz' lunches blindly. For example, consider the random lunch generator. When we gave it a spin while considering your querie, it came back with the suggestion of sushi for lunch. Say what?! First, presuming you even have a sushi place nearby, that's pretty durn expensive! Not to mention dangerous -- it's one thing to risk those raw micropathogens causing you great lower colonic distress (to say the least!) after leaving the place and heading for home for the evening, but for the rest of the afternoon?! Feeling like a rung-out washcloth? When you could have gone on a "magical road trip journey" to Louie's for a lasagna special (with homemade garlic bread and salad with Italian dressing beets (hold the onions) -- or somesuch? Thus proving, a lunch at random cannot beat the Monz!

We're Going Down to Sim City!

With the weather cooling down, Monz heats things up by heading back to Gators Wing Shack for an order of chili, a jalepeno buffalo chicken sandwich and a handful of the hottest wings on the menu, se llaman "Mexican Hot Wings." Initial misgivings give way to lip smacks of satisfaction.

Many of those unlucky enough not to know the Monz personally (or who, in the ultimate of misguidedness, pass up opportunities to meet him) have asked us what the Monz looks like. To help them out, we submitted a recent photo of the Monz to the celebrity face recognition service at this site. Hmmmm. We're not too sure about this, but for those in the know, judge for yourself. Hey, at least they both play drums!

Neo-Inxs Yummy Lunch!

Falling asleep at the desk again baby
You're signing under the line
Your mouth is tight and you're stomach is growling
Tell me, do you know the time?

Follow your way to a drive-through baby
Dreaming of the other side
Save your tears and money
Because you should follow Monz' advice

It ain't yummy
Without the herbs
Baked into the turkey with ham
It's what you deserve
If you really need it(it being horseradish mustard)
Just open the jar and get it
It'll be yummy

Colorblind world will fade your soul
You're not a dog or an ape
It doesn't take a lot to stand out honey
Just mix up those red and black grapes

Grab 2 Polish pickles and an apple baby
Be sure to fill the tank with gas
Plan on being late to your relative's bon voy age(fn)
Because you have a scheduled spinning class

It ain't yummy
Under that tent
If you keep your yummy lunch to yourself
You're not munificent
So listen to what Monz is eating
You know it's what you're needing
It'll be yummy

(fn): For Las Vegas, hence the inspiration

Trauma and Tryptophan!

(Deliver Pizza to Monz)
Lunch from Subway
(Car conks out at bank afterwards)
Footlong Turkey
(Wait in hot car for tow/jump)
On Hearty Italian
("You need a new starter")
Both kinds of peppers,
("You can take it and bring it back, but I wouldn't chance it")
Baked Lays,
(Walk miles (2) to shelter)
Yum!
(I think I'll have lunch)
"Oh, look at this yumminess!"

Sweet Yummy Lunch!

Monz' garbled message said that lunch was "fun" and as this blog is all about fun, we decided to have some fun with the report and some bubbleglam pop rockers from the 70's. Yay!

Monz didn't bother too much
With the scary part of town and their tender lunch
Till he wandered into Hussey's Pub
Then he saw a burger like he'd never seen
Rectangular shaped, with a taste that aimed to please
And he said:

Wau-ke-gan gonna order this ham
Pepper jack cheese and french fries if you can
Wau-ke-gan gonna make you understand
Try a little lunch, even if it's too much
Just try a little Wau-ke-gan

Spin Doctor!

What did our Doctorate of Jurispurdence do for lunch today during his downtown Chicago all-day CLE seminar's break? Call up the editors, that's what! We took the Monz to Salad Spinners. Rather than opting for the Applenut Salad, Monz made a border run for the Mexicali. The editors' fare came in flimsy plastic bowls while Monz' salad was presented in a honking big black bowl, but things like that seem to happen to the Monz: people he's never met just sense that munificient spirit and respond to it. In honor of this ocassion, the editors presented Monz with a gift that harkens to days of old: a rare book collecting the hard-to-find writings of Ernest Hemingway. Monz returned to the seminar con mucho feliz.

When I Save Time and Effort, It Makes Me Happy!

We were both heartened and saddened to learn of a new, major study from the Social Science Research Network by Benjamin Barton. Barton conducted research of "unprcedented size and scope" covering 623 tenured or tenure-tracked law professors over four years, evaluating them on numerous performance criteria and teacher evaluations to answer the "age-old debate in legal academia: whether scholarly productivity helps or hurts teaching."

Think about this for a minute. Barton spent countless hours collecting data, pouring over the results, theorizing, analyzing, and writing, hours he will never get back in his life, all to reach what he terms the "counterintuitive" finding that there is no correlation whatsoever.

In the words of the Monz: Duh! Oh professor, why oh why couldn't you have just contacted us?! We would have put you in touch with the Monz who, in his munificient spirit, surely would have saved you this time and effort. Maybe he would have taken you over to the CSC for a healthy ham sandwich and baked lays, combined with some string cheese and fig newtons from home. He may have even given you the last of his Fuji apples (then again, he might not have!). You would have left satiated, healthier, and with four years of your life back!

Happy Blog!

Almost but not quite a ditto lunch, but a little non-ditto makes for a big differitto: carrots are out, Fuji apples are still in, jello flavors change to black cherry and regular cherry.

On this tripple-digit temperature day in Chicago, Monz is angrified. Not by the heat, but by SUV-driving choadas cracking wise about global warming and, of course, not doing anything about it. That's why we at myl use recycled paper towels, 100% post-consumer waste, even though some would disapprove of their performance.