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Friday, December 31, 2004

No Better Way!

...to end the year than with some verbatim Monz lunch reports (remember, Monz has gone out of the way to leave these reports on-the-fly). Still time to get those contest entries in (due by midnight). On behalf of the Monz and the editors, Happy New Year from all of us at Monzyummylunch!

>>Lunch today at the DelRay Beach Club. I had Chicken Salad Hawaiian, which was chicken salad with lots of berries and tropical fruit topped with macadamia nuts. The delray beach club boasts kick ass views of the ocean, but a membership so old and stodgy that it could be the setting for a hilarious comedy.

Today we had lunch at the Delray Beach GOlf club. I had a corned beef on rye with fries. The sandwich was good but the fries sucked and whatever they used for oil tortured me for hours after. Then we drove to West Palm Beach and went to the zoo and the science museum. By then [edited for space] and, well, you know . . . . Hee hee hee! Then we went to a yummy Cuban place for dinner. Tomorrow I will be having lunch on the plane. I'm guessing it will be a bag of something we buy at the airport, though you never know. <<

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Oh yeah...!

We forgot (-Doh! editor), Monz is alive and well. Friday he had a chicken ham munster sandwhich he made himself. Today, checking in from Florida he had "some yummy baba Ganoush we bought at Albertson's [Jewel's parent company, for those not in the knows] and leftover hamloaf and oranges" (the latter was reportedly yummy itself.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Knock You Over with a Virtual Feather(pen)!

Small Kung Pao Chicken, egg roll and hularice from the China Chef...for the editors that is! Yes, on Friday the editors did some guerilla research and headed out to the C.C. on B. This, we'll have you know, was no easy feat -- there was tons of last second holiday shopping being done at the supermercado that Monz never told us about! We finally secure parking and head on-in. Two Chinese young men sitting at the far window counter look at us with bored disapproval, but the young lady working the main counter is quite friendly, handing us our order and popping in a free gift! We decide to eat some of our feat then and there. The Kung Pao was impressive -- crisp, bright veggies, sauce flavorful (if not as hot as we expect for this dish). The egg rolls were interesting, and we mean that in a not-bad way. They had a flaky texture and were relatively mild - not what we expected. The hularice was the greasy faux-Asian paella cum pineapple that we expected and received. The verdict (as if there was any doubt): Monz can pick 'em!

Reader Alert: Speaking of warm, tropical places in the U.S., Monz neglected to tell us that he and his will be in Florida this week - blogging may be light.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Holiday Horror!

"Hello, this is Mark."
"Hey big guy, what's up with lunch?"
"Olive Garden!"
"Olive Garden?! Holiday treat?"
"You bet!"
"So, how was it?"
"I don't know, it just arrived a few moments ago."
"Ok, so tell us how it is!"
"Will do!"

We haven't heard from the Monz since! Was it so good the ogasmic-like-inducing effects were endless and bottomless? Did it poison the Monz? We waited an hour and a half past deadline (poor choice of words, that), and haven't heard nothing! Tune in Monday to find out what happened and enjoy your holiday...if you can!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Foot In His Mouth!

Foot-long chili dog from Franksville. And speaking of rare feat, the editors manage to out-exotic the Monz by heading to IKEA, which opens their cafe a half hour before the rest of the store (but well-after the morning rush -- no riff-raff here!). While the breakfast special is a bargain at $.99, the $1.99 authentic Swedish pancakes were an appealing choice. We know that Monz would enjoy the LLLingonberries!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Ray of Hope!

Like a bespectacled hardware-pitching geezer, the editors get over-excited that salesman Don treats the office to a bounty of Father and Sons pizza (Pep, Saus, Cheese). It's the Christmas season, dontchaknow.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Do the Dry!

Yumminess abounds, as Monz, after a rousing joust in court, walks across the street to his wife's office and dines on some old-world (but "New Europe" - Secretary of Defense editor) delights from Kasia's Deli: pierogies, polish sausage, chicken stuffed with spinach, blintzes, potato fingers ("which were duly pulled") and bread. (We feel compelled to note that Monz' wife looks absolutely nothing like Kasia...)

Meanwhile, yesterday one of the editors had delivery from The Barbeque Pit and although one is always nervous about suburban que joints, he reports wonderful resuts. The burger was thick and cooked, the sweet potato fries melted in the mouth, the freaks were plentiful, the delivery timely (given the distance), the price - eh, a bit high, but the telephone order-taker was friendly and best of all the Memphis dry rub ribs were aces.

And why are we sharing all this information with you? Because as a great man once said, one "cannot enjoy and be denied at the same time."

Friday, December 17, 2004

Gigglesnort Apprentice Moment!

Anybody see The Apprentice last night and think to themselves "boy, that's a poor man's Mark Monz if ever we saw one" whenever they showed the ultimate winner? Us too! But Donald is out of luck because Monz didn't apply and is not for sale. But Donald, and you, could buy his lunch: 2 dogs sans y'uns and plus kraut from Jeff's (we think). The editors also must note their dissapointment with the O'Jays: rock and roll hall of famers, performing this song for 30 years, a HUGE spot on national tv and you don't remember how many falsetto "moneymoneymoneymoney"'s to sing?! Yes, we laughed, and don't think we didn't notice that dirty sideward glance either!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

What, Monz Worry?!

It's no dillema to pick lunch when it's a Country Court Sandwich + chicken soup from Bennigans, even if you're ailing like the Monz. But it is a dillema if you're the guy from The Amazing Race who has painstakingly created this persona of "your stoic host" and have Jonathan's wife-beating of Victoria shoved in your face. Do you stay in-character and show how steely you can be? Or do you show that you're human and react to this cretin's temper tantrum before your (and Victoria's weeping) eyes? One thing we know Monz wouldn't do, wimp out and mumble "Jonathan, I think you should talk to Victoria."

Reader Alert: No blogging tomorrow, as the editors take care of some holiday errands. Back Friday!
Blogger Culpa!

Blame Blogger(tm) for yesterday's omitted lunch report, as you should. Blame bloggers (the editors) if you must. Just don't blame the Monz, who despite having fought a manly battle for his right to lunch as he likes still found the time to report to us: Kung Pao Chicken, Hularice and Pot Stickers (!) from the China Chef. Remember just two weeks (give or take a day) left to get those entries in. And yes, we have an entry in from Pigeon! Will Monz give his or her suggestion the bird? Stay tuned!

Monday, December 13, 2004


Chicken Schnitzle, Spaetzl, Red Cabbage and (maybe) some Overweiss yogurt lands a hard one-two-three combo to The Usual's kisser! Now if we were edgier, we'd have made up some German Snoop Doggy Dog thing and said "Fuher Schnizzle" or somesuch but Monz wouldn't like that. Nor does Monz like this. Which reminds us that for a while we've been wanting to say that we hate those "Children's Place" ads which transport a bunch of tikes to America's Next Top Model land, only to have them leave their shallow world-of-modelistas personas upon hearing the song of the ice cream van. Those kids are psychologically scarred for life, trust us.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Brevety Is the Soul of Wit!

(No, that's not a mistake - read on!)

The new Friday usual? We'll see -- turkeybaconclub from Jeff's.

Monz boldly predicts that the final two on this Sunday's Survivor finale will be Twaila (sp?) and Scout, after they vote off Chris (leaving Eliza to be voted off first). Should Monz be proven right, remember this: Monz has not watched Survivor prior to this season! Should Monz be proven wrong, remember this: Monz has not watched Survivor prior to this season!

Meanwhile, next week one of the editors turns 40, a time when people re-evaluate their health. Thus, at least in theory, this week it's health-be-damned! "I'll have a tall breve capaccino" said the editor. This is a capaccino made not from skim milk, not from whole milk, but from half-and-half. Cloggier than a butterburger, and silkier too -- quite yummy, but...woah!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Sweet and Sad Old World!

A brave Monz returns to the China House and orders some Pad Thai and spring rolls, which made us think that Monz was wisely avoiding Chinese food from this establishment figuring the Thai food would be safer, but in-fact Monz picked the Thai food because he didnt' want the standard "rotm" (this was our abreviation but we forgot what that stands for, except for the "o" which stands for "old.") And just to prove Monz is "scared of nuttin'!" he tries a little of Amy's Chicken Kow. Kow reminds us of Cow, which reminds us to tell you that Monz is reading (warning: don't click on the link just yet) this. We say don't click on the link because reading the reviews we suspect some Ebertwannabe has given away the ending (or at least strongly hinted a plot development beyond what the author would have liked). Coincidentally enough, the editors had just read an elephant story in the news. It was quite sad, so be careful.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


It was a syncopation of the cosmic tumblers undreamt of in your harmonic convergent philosophy. Monz enjoys a sublime beef and cheddar on marble rye (from the "it rhymes!" Humbolt Pie -- and chips). You dispair over where life has taken you. No quicker can you say "Pale Mother Love!" you discover your answer lies here.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

C'mon, Get Happy!

On a dreary day when your lunch is nothing beter than a Wendy's chicken grill and a couple of milky-soft chilis, what can you expect? A lot -- if you know the Monz! A whole lot of lovin is what his blog (and thus the man himself) is bringin'! Check out a new study on happiness. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor (as long as you aren't living on Lower Wacker Drive that is), married or single -- it just matters that you watch a lot of tv and get a lot of sleep! Avoiding deadlines apparently doesn't hurt either. Hey, Amazing Race and Veronica Mars are on tonight!

Monday, December 06, 2004

They Saved This Drama!

Monz maintains radio silence, we presume this means yet...another...chickenhamcheddar from Jewel. But we'll let you know! Over the weekend we were excited to see that this will soon be for sale. An inspired inspiration from the review in the New York Times: one of the episodes feature the worst of motherly sins in the 1970s: falling asleep while smoking a cigarette in bed.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Geraci, Greenberg and Us!

Yesterday was a Turkey Bacon Club from Jeff's. Solid. The editors were busy reading the financial pages, where they learned that corporate raiders have a new tactic of buying stockholders' voting rights but not the actual stock (clever!) and that 401(k)'s are protected in bankruptcy filings but IRA's are iffier (the Supreme Court is resolving a dispute between circuits). We also noticed that one day after our deconstruction of their insidious perfidy, Old Navy retired the commercial and rolled out a new one. Feel the power!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Jingle Bells, Old Navy Sells, MYL Yells!

Excitement today as Vickie heads to Steak and Shake and gets Monz a Chili Mac Supreme. Alas...the order for the Orange Freeze was replaces with a Strawberry Shake, the chili wasn't real chili, the "mac" was mere pasta (spaghetti) and the cheese on top was hardened into an impenetrable shell.

Because Monz would want us to, we provide the following much-needed deconstruction of a current advertisement running on tv:

"Hey There Katie, What Is Up?"
The passive-aggressive hostility begins. Of course nobody wants to be bothered at the bakery, so it is couched in a friendly greeting that supposedly only a cretin would object to. And seeing how they don't let Katie answer, we have another clue that they don't really care about Katie.

"It Must Be Great Having 14 Cousins."
First, why the speculation -- none of the choir has that many cousins? The editors found this a bit racist (and noted that only one of the choir is African-American, and female -- the advertising industry always favors black women over black men because they are less threatening while at the same time providing diversity. note that the Monz would probably offer a different opinion on this aspect of our deconstruction). Second, why must it be great? 14 cousins = at least one is going to be prettier/more successful/make you seem like a failure. And there's always the chance that all 14 are utter asses.

"Except At This Time of Year. That Sure Is a Whole Lot of Presents!"
Note the counter-clockwise half-sweep of the fisted-arms of the choir (to add emphasis to the words "sure is"). More passive-aggressivity: cheerily sending the message to worry about the holidays. And it puts a negative spin on something that may not be negative -- you figure these 19 cousins by now have fallen into gift-giving patterns where they realize they can't afford anything too extravegant. Maybe Katie and the Cuzes enjoy the exchanges. We know the posting editor "Cuz" sure would. And if they all chose to just save their money, would that be so bad?

"Check Out the New Performance Fleece Only at Old Navy In Exciting New Colors and Styles"
In one fell swoop, the whole Christmas holiday is prostituted, Katie's trust in the friendliness of the choir is betrayed, and yet another lie is perpetrated: these colors and styles are age-old. You s*** eating shills!

"Like Zip-hoodies bomber jackets and pullovers"
Fleece "bomber jackets"? With "zip-hoodies"? Hey, maybe to honor Julia Roberts' kids, Old Navy can come up with "G.I. Phinneas"

"And By the Way Your Mom Says 'Hi'"
And by the way?!?! You freaks went so far as to talk with her mother and you aren't making it a point to say "hi"?! Just happened to remember it at the last moment? Of course, the choir isn't really supposed to be so callous. The advertising agency wants to call attention to the lyrics by making it seem unprofessional, with a highly unusual, non-rhyming toss-off aside thrown in.

"They Sure Are Cosy!"
Why? Because Old Navy only makes cozy things? We know that's not true from their other ads. Because performance fleece is by nature cozy? Then why the need to buy it from Old Navy? Most of all, how would this "so cute that you know they went through 20,000 casting photos" kid have enough experience to give us such an expert opinion? The Daubert decision alone should have killed this ad. And why does he keep smiling? Did they inject him with that stuff from the Batman (tm) comics that the Joker would use to kill his victims? Almost makes us want to fall into the Gap.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Too Hot for Ya?!

Small Orange Chicken and hularice from the New Chinese Place.

At this point we were going to share a fun exchange from a seminar our legal editor attended yesterday (boiled down: a shocked federal magistrate judge takes umbrage at legal consultant's advice to silently blackmail opponent by splurging on forensic computer discovery which would find any internet-surfed pornography before the CFO or other management person could clean it up). But we decided to refrain when we learned that this blog has been submitted to the famous "hot or not" site for judgment!

To those viewing the blog for the first time we say welcome, and urge you to make this shout-out from one of our favorite memoirs your own: THERE WILL BE NO JUDGES!!! ONLY WITNESSES TO OUR GREATNESS. Arrogant? Sure, but we've earned it, and so have you!

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