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Monday, January 31, 2005

Fit or Fat?!

Big news, Monz wants to shed a few pounds and not only is he going to do it the right way, he's going to do it the righteous way ("hold the red state remarks" - ethics ombusdmun). After consulting a real expert, Monz' well-planned lunch is a homemade chickenhamcheddar with carrots.

Readers know that Monz is not only young but young at heart. How young? 26! How old are you?

Friday, January 28, 2005

Two -- For Fun!

Another entry today and boy is it special. When we heard Monz describe today's lunch as "yummy yummy" we were dubious and attributed it to the eurphoria of a triumphant professional conquest or the like. But then we learned: Russell's BBQ Pork sandwich with fries and cole slaw (slight surpise that he didn't opt for the swell-sounding applesauce). How much do you want to bet that a few more of those puppies are heading for Monz' freezer?
Should Old Aquaintance Be Remembered!

(Thursday Late Report - the editors' DSL was out yesterday)

And ordered! Speghetti Special from Colluta's, an old favorite not seen for many a moon.

Scene: A cold windy Chicago morning, waiting at the bus stop. The editor spots an attractive young couple. The man is without any protection from the elements save his winter coat. The woman is wearing a blue and white striped hat. As the seconds turn to minutes, the editor thinks the man must be cold. As-if on cue, his girlfriend, who is about six inches shorter, looks up at him with a smile and places her mitten-clad hands over his ears. He smiles back. They stand like this for several minutes until they notice the rest of us looking down the street at an approaching bus. As they get on, the editor overhears the girl saying "she had the most ridiculous jeans, I mean (pointing at her knee), like acid washed..." and this slightly detracted from the idyllic mood this scene had created. It was at this moment that the elements channeled Monz' voice and said "don't destroy love's young dream!" And then the bus was gone, but it was crowded as the CTA does a p***poor job keeping their busses from bunching-up, so the editor waited for the next one so he could sit down and read his newspaper.

UPDATE: Monz reports that it wasn't his voice. Monz also notes that the story is reminicent of Stuart Dybek (CTA, young lovers). And we know what the Monz thinks about him ("Hey! It's me, Stuart Dybek! I'm here again! Surprise!")

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

A Land That Time Forgot!

Delicious stuffed chicken breast and corn chowder, provided by Whole Foods but lovingly cooked to perfection by Monz' better half. And while we don't know if Monz would concur, we must say, those were the good old days.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Who Wears the Crown?!

Healthy Choice Chicken Margherita and some hummous w/ Pita. Which to us frankly doesn't sould like enough to nourish the busy Monz' life. I mean last night this editor went home, munched on some cold cuts, nuts and beer, watched tv and went to bed. Monz -drove- home, worked out, watched some dvd, updated his ipod, dined, prepared a delightful salty, crunchy snack for watching tv, enjoyed immensely his Monday night tv fare, practiced his guitar for his next audience with the master, dove into his current reading (The Revelation by Bentley Little, and Monz' revelation to us is that its a cheesy paperback but very entertaining and mildly scary, which means we will probably be scared Schizzenpanzless. Speaking of whom, after all that, Monz then spent some quality time with Big King, who in Monz' presence went into a state of utter and blissful relaxment until Cricket and the aforementioned acted like the editors and demanded some of Monz' attention, at which point Monz evicted them! Because like Stevie Wonder's idea of a rap song, Big may be King, but Monz wears the Crown!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Hey Now, You're a (Long Beach Dub) Allstar!

The editors only count the sunny hours and give the people what they wan't (and don't give them what they don't): Monz is lunching on Healthy Choice Baja Chicken with crabcakes that are not only homemade but Monzmade PLUS some stuffed grape leaves from Whole Foods. Sure beats those Jewelwhiches! When goin get tough, the tough get goin' and we're out!

Friday, January 21, 2005


Monz endeavors, tries, struggles, but ultimately is unsucessful in rallying the troops to try a new Chinese place on Cicero. So it's back to the China Chef for some you guess what. Also on the Monz front: Monz is enjoying is ipod, his Bride of Frankenstein DVD, and the fact that King Schitzenpanz is back from the vet.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Fill 'Er Up!

Avoiding "gramatic consternation" Monz avoids the new hot dog place on Belmont for an Ethnic Gourmet Tandoori Chicken (plus the recently requisite Michelinatatata). Ironically, last night after attending a book signing event and partying with Uncle Julio, the editors were driving down Belmont Avenue and had Jimmy's hot dog stand pointed-out to them as a place where locals and police chow down on tube steaks for the proletariat. "Oh yeah," said Monz, "people go there all the time."

But what if you're not into tube steaks? What if you're like so many of us, trying to lose weight, feeling that you've tried everything and nothing works and nothing will ever work. Hmmm. Well, what if you had a scientifically backed list of what low calorie foods will make you feel full? Full as Taco Bell would have you believe their value menu customers are? That'd be great, right? Well then, here you go!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


We can't believe it -- just days after we anounced our winner, the Urban Cafe (100 S. Wacker, bottom level) features roast leg of lamb as a lunch special (with two sides: we chose the vegetable rice pilaf and green beans, forgoing the roasted potatoes so as not to be slavish copiers). $5.99 before tax. No Merlot, but you can always BYOB (we think)...

We'd have invited Monz, but he was already off to eat his HCFA Chicken Baja + MLGGA SW (our readers are smart and do not their minds spoon-fed!). But we do have a hot tip for him, and for you! We all know that Monz' love of music is so great the universe almost can't contain it. But there's a dark side to this shining force: Monz, as many of us, once belonged to the BMG Music Service. Then, as many of us have, he left! And even though legally Monz had every right to rejoin BMG and take advantage of their initial offer, he just didn't feel comfortable doing so. Wrong and bad, plus they might catch on and give him some negative cajones (not that he couldn't lay that anti-soul to waste!) Well, now the same company has launched a kinda BMG meets Netflix: you cue-up a bunch of CD's and they sell them to you for $5.99 a month, shipping included. The catch is that you better cue them up, cos their gonna charge you the 6 bucks anyway. We predict Monz will consider and reject this offer, but will feel better for the process.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Hang On to Your Ego!

After enduring a room full of highfaluttorneys and dining on commensurate lunch fare, Monz recovers with an old reliable: turkeybaconclub from Jeff's.

The editors have received a complaint that there is too much of us and not enough Monz on this blog. Our response is that we do the best with the material that we're given, but readers must understand that the Monz is a rare and valuable resource whose gifts are not ours to command. Monz the Munificent shares with us that which he deigns proper. To ask for more would be to stick a big stinky toe in the tao of life!

Monday, January 17, 2005

He Gave Us the Bird, and the Lamb!

The winner of the first anual Monzyummylunch contest is...Pigeon! True to Pigeon's demonstrated mastery of all things food-related-advertising, he (?) culled for the Monz a lunch from a recent radio commercial: Broiled rack of lamb with roasted vegtables and a glass of Berringer (tm) Napa Valley merlot -- a lunch designed to transport Monz back to the valley itself, where Monz can almost feel the warm soil underneath his feet. Monz' reaction? "$#$(@! Yummy!" Monz, and anyone else wishing to partake of this feast in the manner it was intended, is recommended to this establishment.

Pigeon, please provide an address for us to send you your prize: a $20 gift certificate to the Olive Garden (we can send it general delivery to a P.O. if you wish). Congratulations! Unfortunately nobody won the $10,000.00 (although one entrant got five "heads" in a row, making the comptroller a little nervous!) The results were as follows: TH; TTTH; HHT; TTTTH; HHHHHHT; HT

Friday, January 14, 2005

Wicked and Satanic!

Warning: if you do not want negative frijoles to enter your universe today, do not read what follows after this paragraph. However do note that the winner of the first anual Monz Yummy Lunch contest will be announced MONDAY!!!

Monz heads to Humboldt Pie for a beef and cheddar on marble rye. The editors apologize for being late with this update. For certain valuable services rendered ("get your minds out of the gutter, cheeky monkeys!" - purveyitor) the editors were paid in cash, including a $5 bill with the words "Steal Someone's True Love" written on it. Frantically we tried to get rid of it, but nobody would take it until we agreed to accept $4 in exchange.

Thursday, January 13, 2005


Take January 3rd, add the side of January 4th but take a plane from Santa Fe to Florence and you've got it.

Monz was bemoaning the lack of love in the world for all the lonely people out there. Hearing his humanitarian plead for help, we present a slightly adapted 8 tips for getting a guy recently presented in Jane Magazine (with money-back guarantee [theirs, not ours -- accounting editor]).

- Ask to read the guy's newspaper over his shoulder while on standing on the bus or subway.
- Post an ad on craigslist beginning with the words "attractive young woman seeking..."
- Announce your availability wearing a shirt that has "Dude, ask me out" printed on it.
- Troll all the political parties - you're overlooking the Libertarians!
- Book a solo trip to Pantelleria or South Philly and wear a lot of scarves.
- Go see the movie Kinsley alone the same night you wear the above-described shirt.
- Eat popsicles and lollipops. Constantly.
- Crash a party attended by grad students or those with a grad school degree witha pitcher of mulled wine.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Different Drummers

The out-of-the-ordinariness of today's lunch (Chicken burritos from some place in Glenview that Sean visited, which the editors did not dismiss out of hand because one of their favorite bbq places is in the lilly-white suburbs and indeed the meal pleased the Monz) is overshadowed by sad news: Jefferson Airplane drummer Spencer Dryden has passed. Monz was a big fan of the Jefferson Airplane. He was not a big fan of the Marshall Tucker Band, but he still might mourn the fate of their drummer. Or not.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Where Editors Fear to Tread!

Ma Pa To
To Go
Dontcha Know
But Whatever You Do
Don't Bring Up Tarrantino
Or Monz' Top Will Blow!

Monday, January 10, 2005

Monz May Be Married, but He Can Still Go Stagg!

Stagg Chilli that is! The editors have been curious about this Aussie delicacy, and who better to opine than the Monz? (Though pictured in a can, here in the states it is sold in a box). Especially when we're back to chickenhamcheddar... Monz, we beseech ye!

Friday, January 07, 2005

It's All in the Tone!

One of the editors has been in a quandry all day. You see, yesterday he was at Starbucks for his morning coffee, going through the daily routine. At this particular Starbucks, during rush hour the coffee is self-service, with two stations set-up (one on either side of where they make the expresso drinks). The editor likes to put a little half-and-half in his cup, then move over to the coffee, fill 'er up, and secure the lid. Yesterday, however, there was no half-and-half at the left-side station. So the editor worked through the order lines to the right-side station where he counted 1, 2, 3, 4, --5-- half-and-half's! Having empathy for his fellow half-n-half fans, instead of simply preparing his own coffee, he took one of the half-and-half's and called out to one of the baristas behind the counter "hey, there's no half-and-half's over there so I'm going to drag this one over, ok?" The barista says "yeah, thanks!" Fast-foward to this morning. The editor walks up to order his coffee and the smiling cashier takes his order, then says "hey, thanks for bringing over the half-and-half." The editor recognizes that this particular cashiere frequently is in-charge of "keeping the accouterments (sp?) filled" and was likely the person in-charge yesterday. Is he seriously thankful? Or is he saying "hey a******, thanks for making me look bad!" We think he meant the former, but you never know. It's all in the tone. Now the Monz didn't have to deal with this today because Vicki placed the order, but from our own experience we know the tone is friendly at the China Chef! Ma Po Tofu and hularice, with free egg roll and an extra-special joyous gift, two bamboo scroll hangings (they gave us one too!)..

Thursday, January 06, 2005

The Power and the Glory!

Monz knows literature, oh boy does he ever! Have you ever heard him talk about Graham Greene? Neither have we. So presumably he has no regard for a whiskey priest. But a whiskey steak -- that's another matter! Thus, Monz has the editors' favorite Healthy Choice meal: the Whiskey Steak. And a Michellina southwestern veggie bowl, which if you think about it complements the whiskey steak quite nicely! What would really go good with this lunch would be a beer, or maybe even...hey, where's that priest anyway?!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

He Killed Regis Philbin!

In hindsight, we should have seen it coming. Regis told us that the second he arrives at his office, he puts on some Dean Martin and keeps him on all day long, resulting in perpetual feelgood. So imagine what happened when he discoverd the Monz! Upon reviewing the blog, reports have it that he literally burst! But neither the editors or the Monz make any appologies for just being us. Or for having a turkey bacon (with most of the bacon removed) club from Jeff's with a berry LaCroix to wash it down.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Mystery Achievement!

Is it a new year's resolution? Is it the flavor? Is it the convenience? Healthy Choice Flavor Adventures Chicken Margherita, with Michelina's Lean Gourmet Garden Bistro Southwestern style veggie salad for good measure.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back!

He's baaaaaaack! No Monday usuals here: Healthy Choice Flavor Adventures Baja Chicken washed down with a berry-flavored seltzer. And he's back too! And we're back with some contest news: the editors, after sorting through the many entries we received, will be putting them through the evaluation gauntlet, including the impression they make on the Monz himself.

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