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Thursday, March 31, 2005

Raw Power!

You're no stooge if you order up a chickenham sandwhich on wholegrain bread with a raw veggie medly and an apple! And you'll avoid this editor-driven scenario: order a tuna salad salad at Subway(tm), ask if any of the dressings are low fat, get told they all are, pick the honey mustard, discover it's all fat and a massive 190 calories, angrily barge back in line and hear "oh, sorry, it's low carb.
Raw Power!

You're no stooge if you order a chicken ham sandwhich on wholegrain bread with a raw vegtable medly and an apple. Plus, you'll avoid this editor-driven scenario: ordering a tuna salad salad at Subway(tm), asking the cashiere "uh, do you have any lowfat dressing with that?" Having her reply "all of them are lowfat, do you want ranch, french or honey mustard," picking the honey mustard, discovering that 180 of the 190 calories are fat, angrily barging back in line to bring this fattening monstrosity back and hearing "oh, I mean all of them are low carb."

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Nick of Time!

Old Country Buffet!! [1) call 911, 2) take an aspirin, 3) if all else fails, have friend thump chest to revive heart -- first aid editor]. First course: Salad with vinegar and oil dressing. Second course: broiled chicken breast (skin removed) and a tiny baked potato. Third course: are you kidding? "The end result? Not particularly yummy, but I'm not yacking either." We call that a bargain, the best he's ever had since seeing the dietician. We attribute it to the introduction of the Burger King Monster Omlette sandwhich -- aftershock or something.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

We Have Not Yet Begun to Blog!

And that's just the problem... Chickenham sandy on whole.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Sneaky Snark Attack!

MYL: "Hey dude, what's lunch?"
M: "A meal that people generally eat in the middle of the day."


MYL: "Been waiting a long time to use that one, huh?"
M: "No, actually it just came to me. Alright...chicken ham sandwhich on whole grain bread from Whole foods...apple..."
MYL: "You know, rolling this out in slow, dramatic fashion isn't going to help matters."
M: "Yes it will, because today there are no carrots. Instead there is a raw vegatable medly with brocoli, califlower and...a couple of carrots."

Friday, March 25, 2005

To the Stars Away from Here!

Right between the sound machines that are XM and XRT, Monz drifts away on a cloud of sound and heads to the Pita Inn for some high quality protein and perfectly seasoned Sharwarma with a side salad chock-full of olives. Ok, we lied, he's heading home for a likely turkey ham sandwhich. What can we say, we like to dream!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Why Does Monz Hate Us?!

"Exactly the same as yesterday."

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Don McClean Yummy Lunch!

M: "The exact same thing as yesterday."

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that Monz lunch used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make that news of lunch dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But February made us shiver
With every lunch news that was delivered.
Bad news on the phone;
We needed a new lunch news loan

I can’t remember if we cried
When we heard yet another carrot side
But something touched us deep inside
The day the lunch news died.

So bye-bye
slice of american pie
onto the blog
but the creativity died
somewhere good old boys are drinkin' whiskey and rye
but now it's water and then doing the dry

Did you write the book of lunch
And do you have faith in Whole Food's punch
If the dietician tells you so?
Do you believe in Chinese take-out
Can lunch make your day do a turn-a-bout
And can you teach me to cook real slow?

Well, we know that you’re in love with vesuvio
you repeat it so much like you have something to prove-io
You bit into an apple
This blog is making us napple.

We were lonely teenage bloggin' bucks
With a low-GI snack bar and some broiled ground chuck
But we knew the blog was totally f*****
The day the lunch news died.

(Repeat Chorus)

Now for two months we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
While we wait for lunch to change
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
But never goes to Dairy Queen
If you stake-out fast food, you'll never say "he was seen!"

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his royal crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No Cosi cash was burned
We bet Lennon dined at a lot of marks
A cake melted in McCarther Park
We sang dirges in the dark
The day the lunch news died.

(Repeat Chorus)

Helter skelter in a near-spring swelter.
The birds flew off Jeff's awning shelter,
Three mile radious and failing fast.
McGrill was the fowl he ordered en mass
The short order cooks tried for a forward pass,
With Vicky in her car driving to Jewel fast.

Now the lunctime air was sweet perfume
While the XRT played a faux-Americana tune.
No way Monz was going to dance,
The blog never got the chance!
'Cause the lunches all remained the same,
Monz' orders have gotten lame
Do you recall when lunch wasn't so tame
The day the lunch news died.

(Repeat Chorus)

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A group of editors lost in space
With no material to start again.
So come on: Monz be nimble, Monz be quick
Order some shishkabob, it's on a stick
Cause flavor is the bloggers only friend.

Oh, and as we listened to him in his office
Our hands were clenched, our stomachs nauseous
No Fresh Fields born in hell
Could break that lunch rut's spell
And as the flames climbed high into the night
precooking tomorrow's lunch delight
We saw Seattle Sutton laughing with delight
The day the lunch news died

She was singing (Repeat chorus)

We met a girl who sang the blues
And we asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
We went down to the China Chef
Where we had tried the specials, they had heft
But the counterwoman said the Kung Pao was played

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The Taco Bell was broken.
And the four men we admire most:
The Colonel, Ronald, maitre-d and host,
They hung it up for eggs, juice and toast
The day the lunch news died.

(Repeat Chorus)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

1. Eat Lunch. 2. Die!

"Exactly the same as yesterday" sayeth the Monz. Thus, looking for some extra inspiration, the editors checked out a site that let's you keep "to do" lists on the internet. Yawn, we know, but we were curious as to their feature that lets you look at other people's lists (if they choose to make them public). And you know what? There are more boring geeks in this worldthan you suspected.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Monz Karmic Smackdown!

Restraunteurs, ignore this at your own risk! Masck's original location made Monz sick. Masck's original location is now closed. A certain Zippy's outlet made Monz sick and angry. That Zippy's outlet (and the next closest one) is now closed. Lesson: don't make the Monz sick, let alone claim that you are "the home of the cheesy beef!" (The editors learned this when they tried to order from Z's last night, forcing them to the Barbeque Pit, where they discovered there is no minimum order but a $4 flat delivery charge, but forgot about tax and ended up stiffing the delivery person with a $2.35 tip (for a $26 order), but didn't mind that much because the delivery person called from his car, in transit, to ask for directions.

Monz is also the king of the Applewood Farms deli ham on whole grain (from Whole Foods) with carrot and apple.

PS: Retraction: the editors were thinking about muscats, not kumquats. Never mind...

Friday, March 18, 2005

Great Grape Fakes!

Chicken vesuvio...apple...carrots...water...and maybe some Kumquats for an afternoon snack. Wait a second, Kumquats?! The editors love Kumquats! They taste like big fat grapes, but with a playful mouth feel. Still, we had to protest this lunch choice to Monz. What if, we asked, Robin Zander appealed for him to expand his lunch menu? "He should have thought about that before making me watch that mediocre performance!"

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Well Monz Never!

Monz never decided he would buy each one of Starbucks'(tm) Black Apron (tm) superduper premium coffees. Thus, he never had the experience of taking one up to the counter and saying "I always feel a little foolish buying these" and having the cashierebarista reply "oh no, this is great!" Or watch the cashierebarista have problems opening the bag, call over a baristabarista to help, hear the cashierebarista ask the baristabarista in hushed (but not hushed enough) tones "have you tried this yet?", hear baristabarista say "no, have you?" and hear cashierebarista say "no, but Mary says it's great!" No, if you were the Monz you would dig into your Whole Foods chicken vesuvio, savor some perfectly seasoned bean salad, munch on some fresh fruit, read the above story, and laugh heartily.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Monz' Aura Is Stronger Than Axl's!

We said it before and as long as this blog has a breath left we'll damn sure say it again - Monz' influence on our sphere of life is as certain as Heisenberg was uncertain! Yesterday, beknownst to nobody, one of the editors dined at Pipo's Argentine Grill in Chicago. He and others at the table went for the mixed grill, which the menu said was a veritable feast of four Argentinian favorites: chicken, steak, Argentine sausage and Blood Sausage. All of this, in mighty-size portions, arrived sizzling hot, along with a side dish (the editor got a heaping plate of papa fritas) and a fifth entre: Sweatbreads(something the editor had vowed to avoid but had no choice when the table divied them up first...). There was so much food the editor had to take most of it home. Imagine the shock as one of Monz' favorite shows, the Amazing Race, featured a climatic gorge fest of Argentine meats! What are the odds? A lot less than our $10,000 giveaway! In our awe of Monz' aura, we lost sight of the yummy Whole Foods chicken items that became his lunch.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


Monz savors some turkey meatloaf, apple, banana and water. And when you maintain as much willpower as the Monz has of late, enough to hit this specific number of days, you are entitled to a a treat -- maybe a twinkie. If you are the Monz, you're entitled to a desert of the Gods.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Steel This Lunch!

Monz digs into some turkey meatloaf, with just-bought-by-Vicky-fresh carrots and an apple. And if you think that's good, you should have dined on the Pepper Steak he had at Enzio's and Julia's Saturday night! Or the southern combo our culinary editor dined on at Dixie Kitchen in Lansing before going to Gary, Indiana to catch a minor league basketball game. And while the c.e. was very disappointed in the caliber of play (suspecting that these days most "almost NBA quality" players go overseas rather than play in the CBA), he was very impressed by the new facility (the Genesis Center, available for your next corporate convention), the guarded parking lot, and the FOOD COURT, which included Harold's Chicken Shack, local specialty pizza, and a fish place. What's that? Oh, no, ce felt safe -- there was a "no weapons allowed" sign at the front door.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Aye-yi Sir!

Chicken breask vesuvio with black bean salad ("you know, black beans, vineagar, peppers, onions, all mashed together in a plastic container and now mashed together in my yummy belly"), apple, water. And because the chicken was purchased some days back, should the Monz go sailing this weekend, we'd alert His Lawhighness to section 312 of the 1977 Clean Water Act and observe the three mile rule.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Philosophy of Lunch!

Today Monz is chillin' at home and had some combination of items presented earlier in the week. So we asked him what he thought about this lunchundrum: the editors' favorite master of the tube steak art, Doug, is featuring a hamburger hotdog this week (served with spicy ketchup and American cheese on request). We had one, it was quite good, but we were still troubled: isn't this crossing boundaries better left respected? Monz takes the judicious approach: no biggie, but "hamburgers should be hamburgers." Now if we didn't know the Monz, we'd say Monz was, in this instance, favoring Aristotle over Plato, but we do know Monz, so we say Monz was, in this instance, favoring Grand Funk over Yes!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

What a Difference a (365) Day(s) Makes!

A year ago Monz was dining on Gigantadogs from Portillos, which had him speaking of driving flaming spikes through brains. And Monz was 10 pounds heavier. Today it's blackened chicken breast, bean salad, apple and water and not a word about driving flaming spikes through brains (though we didn't get a chance to talk to him about last night's Amazing Race). And Monz is 10 pounds lighter. Coincidence? We think not.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The Woodshed!

MYL: "Hello, copy editor"
M: "Dude, you have to pay attention to the details. This is YUMMY LUNCH! Yesterday was not a sandwich!!! [calmer voice] Ok, turkey meatloaf, no carrots, apple, banana, and bean salad."

Monday, March 07, 2005

Mash-Up Blog!

Monz is having a blackened chicken breast sandy from Whole Foods, with carrots, golden apple, and pesto tofu squares. For breakfast (woah, weren't expecting this, were you?!) he had a "stringy, grainy, banana bread but not really" cereal from WF with milk. Nothing else ("what kind of communist do you think I am?"). The editors wish that we had such sunny cuisine to take our minds off of yesterday, when we played BINGO with blind, mostly old people (yes, it's possible) and then were ushered to HUBS on Lincoln for milkshakes (we were kinda longing for a burger combo) instead of searching the net for Gina Torres pictures.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Truths My Blogger Told Me!

Lunch is the same as yesterday, "every bit as yummy." Today we present the first Monzyummylunch Truth In Advertising award. "Oh no," we suspect some of you out there are thinking. "More of the editors' opinions!" But you see, these are advertisements which we believe Monz would give such an award. Without further ado, the winner is: The Chicago Transit Authority, for the tagline which appeared on a bus poster right under the CTA's logo: "Take it."

Thursday, March 03, 2005

We'll Rank the Ranko!

Black forest ham and chicken vesuvio from Whole Foods, with the usual acoutrements. Meanwhile, the editors have had an old album recommended to them, "L-Ranko Motel" by Bell and Shore. It is out of print, but a used copy is on-order. A read-through of the Amazon reviews was encouraging, but we noted this odd review from Bell himself!

>>I wrote these songs...beware
April 15, 2002 Reviewer: Nathan Bell (Chattanooga, TN United States)

Yes, I am the guy who recorded this album. If it was actually any good, I'd still be in the music business instead of working a straight gig. There are a couple of decent songs on it that don't [stink], so for 5 big dollars used, what the [heck].

If you buy it, good [darn] luck. If you are still on the fence, and I have anything to say about it, I would suggest that you go buy something like "Gary Stewart's Greatest Hits" or one of those boxed sets of 70's crappy hippy rock. You will be happier, trust me.<<

We don't trust him so we'll let you know when we hear it. Without mentioning any of this to Monz, we asked him to review his own recorded output. "Five stars, kickass! [pause] You understand that's on a scale of five stars?"

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Get Down Tonight!

In discussing last night's Amazing Race we accidentally "angrified the Monz. Chinga tu madre!" But a heart as large as Monz' was bound to forgive, and thus we know that he dined on a turkey and black forest ham sandwich (myloligsts will note that this is the first appearance of turkey lunchmeat in many a moon) on whole grain bread, with carrots and apple. And if you're smart you'll hustle on down to Whole Foods and get one yourself!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

City Slicker!

Imagine a tall, old cowboy, wandering around the Arizona desert in the hot sun for years, being presented with a bottle of prime sour mash and a gorgeous call girl who can't keep her hands off of him. Something like a drunken, self-satisfied Jack Pallance or the like. Welp, that's how Monz gleefully cackled a hearty "heh!heh!heh!" when we made our inquiry as to lunch. And it's no surprise: turkey meatloaf from whole foods, half on whole grain bread, half just-as-it-is. Apples and carrots were there, good sidekicks that they are. And while we can't give you the context of this not-appropo-to-lunch Monzquote, we know you'll enjoy it nontheless: "it was implausible, but boy was it excellent!"

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