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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Draw the Line!

Yesterday: neutral Jewel sandwich, notable only for the substitution of turkey pastrami for regular pastrami. Today: healthy choice baja chicken. Quite good. What? Oh, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a bad lunch.

The editors appologize for our absence yesterday, but it was necessary to prepare this post of great importance. As you may have heard on the radio, another, much larger Chinese food entity has invoked the venerated words, going as far as to say their name is "Chinese for 'yummy.'" Having traveled to the Orient and visiting their establishment, we can emphatically say that they are neither. Dear reader, as you know, this blog rarely gets political on your heinie, but when it has it has been to warn you of the creeping peril from China: Tienanmen Square, buying our politicians, then buying-up the national debt, and now this insidious plot to attack us from the underbelly -- literally! In the coming days we expect Monz to point the way out of this deep, dark dilema that threatens us all. Help us Monz!!!

Sunday, August 29, 2004


Only a special occasion warrants breaking into the weekend. Monz reports that while at the Port Clinton Art Fair, scouring the mean streets of Highland Park looking for a place to eat, Monz and posse spy a place that invokes the venerated word: "Yummy Bowl" Once inside, Monz sees that they invoke again: "Yummy Chow Fun" (consisting of wide rice noodles, veggies and chicken." It was very yummy! Sounds like a road trip to us, though Monz didn't tell us how the art was...

Friday, August 27, 2004

Viva La Revolucion!

Monz feasts on leftover China Chef fare. We know what you're thinking: "how can Monz' appetite by satiated by a single lunch's leftovers?" and of course you would be right, except you don't know that yesterday C.C. bestowed upon the Monz a free egg roll!

We can't tell you how refreshing it is to come across such givers. As opposed to, say, some conniving punk-ass juvie demanding big bucks for nothing, eventually graduating to God-knows-what kind of evil!. He better not come around Monz, or it will be one to the body, one to the head, he's gone to bed!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting!

Monz heads to the China Chef himself to do manly ordering battle. He had barely stepped through the door when Nun-Name Onorder charges at him. HIIII-YAHHH! Monz cut through the confusion by specifying the orders' content for easy location. Next came Gee V. Mee Buckos-San. Fast as lightning and with expert timing, Monz made Gee cower with a flash of cash. To tell the truth, it was a little bit frighting. There were various other seedy characters to deal with, but you can best believe, Monz dealt! In fact, he tells us the whole incident has moved him to song, kinda like another lawyer we know (just joshin', just joshin'!).


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Things Are Not As They Appear!

Like, lunch appeared to be a yummy pasta feast from Cochiaros. Reality was overdone frangible semolina. That O'Hare Tollway Oasis appeared to be a bright shiny beacon to lonely travelers. Realty was that the phones are already falling into disrepair. It appeared that they were going to have live massages there in the future. Reality is that they are going to have a bunch of machine "massage chairs" (as well as a used record place and a cigar shop). Oh well, at least you can still get a yummy dinner

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Expert Witness!

First, to report on today's lunch, Mr. Bobby Hebb!

Yesterday my life was filled with rain
You sold Amy my lunch and really eased the pain
Now the tacos are done and the sloppy joes are here
The only thing that would make this better is a cold frosty beer
Sunnys one so true
Should've had two

Thank you for the using the hot dog buns
They made this imposed-upon lunch seem almost fun
You make at least one good thing, that's enough reason to sing
Let's just hope I won't need the Pepto Bismol to cling
Sunnys one so true
This beef's for you


We all know that Monz has a deep and abiding affection for the blues. Unfortunately in this day and age it doesn't take much for one to pose as a blues expert (as Billy Corgan tries to in a recent itunes playlist which we can't link to w/o forcing you to install their program).

Step 1: Walk into the Jazz Record Mart on Grand Avenue.

Step 2: Pick an album at random with a subtitle like "The Devil's Son-in-Law"

Step 3: Or if that's too much work you can pick a card, any card!

Step 4: Repeat: "Well, Muddy Waters is great, but in my opinion the most criminaly underlooked bluesman is [insert above-selected name].


Monday, August 23, 2004

Monz Degrees of Separation!

A time-pressed Monz skips the Monday "usual" for The Usual! And a small vanilla shake. The salad side was sorry. We're glad that Monz had the shake though and not some pop. Because "Pop" reminds us of "Soda Pop." And that reminds us of "Ponnytail" and S.E. Hinton's "The Outsiders." Which reminds us to tell you that Hinton has a new book coming out, her first in 16 years, purportedly aimed at the adult market. Which reminds us how much we are irritated at adults who name kidslit books as their "all-time favorite book ever!" Which reminds us that the favorite book of the juvies in "The Outsiders" wasn't a kids book at all, but rather "Gone With the Wind." Which was one of Monz' favorite movies. We've come full circle -- yay! Then we learn that
this exists in the world and are promptly brought back down to earth.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Cry for Help!

Everybody was going to Taco Bell. Everyone that is except for the Monz! Now the editors don't have a problem with Taco Bell. They recall chilly winter afternoons, watching intrepid TB employees try to figure out the instructions on how to make the latest menu item (the quessadillas). One editor even remembers a long-ago road trip with Monz to try all the different menu items and making fun of the fact that they were ALL THE SAME INGREDIENTS SQUIRTED OUT OF PLASTIC TUBES IN DIFFERENT ORDER! Except for some crunchy cinnamon-y desert, which as we recall Monz found enjoyable. But not today! "Taco Bell is just about the worst fast food ever." So Monz made do with leftovers from yesterday.

But we're not done with Taco Bell yet. Did you know, dear reader, that the "Bell" in Taco Bell isn't the Mex/Tex church bell in its logo? It's not a real "bell" at all - "Bell" was the last name of the founder! We've also read that the original logo was entirely different and a little racist, but we haven't been able a locate one to judge for ourselves. So if some Frito Bandito out there could hack into their corporate site or otherwise provide us a link and/or jpeg, we'd appreciate it!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Proud to Be an American!

What makes Monz prouder to be an American? That he can feast on a speghetti with meatballs special from Colluta's, including a side salad with blue cheese and a chunk of white bread? Or that he'll never have to deal with this? It's a tough call...

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Freedom Act!

Egg roll, small chicken fried rice and small chicken almond ding from the China House. There is much more to this story, but unfortunately if he told us, he'd have to kill us!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Say What?!

What's Monz eating? This! (third down - extra olives cold not redeem). What's Monz reading? This! What should Monz be reading? This! What does Monz write when going under the pseudonym Stankonya? Just funnin' ya...Rhonda!

Monday, August 16, 2004

My Bathroom Is a Public Kind of Place!

Monday Jewel fare promissingly consistently good (albiet smaller and in a different container).

There is no blogging taboo we here at Monzyummylunch won't break if it provides our readers with news they can use! So if you ever find yourself near the Art Institute, the Congress Hotel, or Roosevelt University, you should visit the freaky-deakiest bathroom in Chicago. Walk over to the Fine Arts Building and take the elevator (itself an experience -- these are the old fashion elevators which require live human operators to move them up and down) to the fifth floor, then walk all the way around the hallway until you hit a dead end. You'll be standing in front of "Amber Healing Arts," providers of Reiki Meditation and some mystical massages whose names escape us. If you are there on Thursdays between 6 pm to 7:30 pm you can get some free "energy healing" at the "Healing Circle" (except last Thursday when we saw a sign on the door that said "No Healing Circle tonight."). Turn right and you'll find the men's bathroom: a huge-ass room with six waterclosets to dignify your stay. But that's not all: in both the men's and women's bathroom (you passed the latter on the way to Amber's) you will find a "Diptych Video Installation" -- an art project described as follows: "Glimpses of private and public details are interspresed with images of water, while fragments of conversation between men and women heighten the tensions between intimacy, public space and temporary exclusivity." Of course, this is the Fine Arts Building -- you might get that on the elevator ride alone! Alas, we cannot recommend the attached "Artists Cafe" -- the editors have always become ill after dining there. Monz' reflections on this establishment rang true. "Oh wow, I spent many a meal there with [people] I no longer hang with." The cuisine? "One of those disgusting crapass egg things that made you ask "how many of these crapass egg things do they have to sell to pay the rent. Definitely not the best cuisine, but a kickass location!"

Friday, August 13, 2004

Monz Has Game, We've Got Gamers!

China Chef -- veggie egg roll -- small Hawaii fried rice -- and cashew chicken for something different! But the bravery remains the same.

So last night one of the editors (the rest of the staff doesn't want to be associated with this) stumbled onto an online game site (as opposed to an online gaming site) and something possessed him to register and head to the Monopoly (tm) room. There he began a game with another user, who went by the handle of 1umakemesick. As the game progressed it became clear that the two players were headed toward Monopoly limbo: neither player managed to acquire a single "monopoly" (which is the only way to drive the other players into bankruptcy and win the game). 1umakemesick proposed a trade of properties which the editor rejected. The editor responded with a different trade proposal. This elicited an instant message from 1umakemesick: "Maybe, if I were a retard." Our editor lamely responded "well, worth a try" even though he didn't think it was that lopsided an offer, nor did he like being punked by whom he envisioned was a oily-faced thirteen year old geek -- a geek so geeky that he prefered to stick a "1" in front of an obviously already-taken moniker than come up with a new one. After fifteen minutes more of circuling the board, another trade proposal was made and the editor accepted it. Both players immediately began putting buildings on their properties. After a couple of rolls of the dice, the editor landed on 1umakemesick's monopolies and had to raise some cash. But, asking himself "What would Monz do?," he refused to fall into despair and managed to keep some of his prime properties. Then, it happened. BAM! 1umakemesick landed on the editor's remaining monopoly! The editor quickly built-up more land. POW! 1umakemesick landed on another monopoly. Bankrutpcy! The editor prevailed! 1umakemesick tried to make a face-saving comment, but you could tell he was going back to that Big Grab bag of Lays(tm) potato chips and Haggen-Daaz(tm) ice creme that will doom him for the rest of his life. It just goes to show that when Monz is on your side anything is possible!

Thursday, August 12, 2004


On a dark, dismal day in the Windy City, what could be more appropriate than a bright, cheery lunch? Monz wouldn't know, he got the bright, but not the cheery: Healthy Choice Baja Chicken. Which made us ask ourselves, which is closer to death, Baja Chicken or Baja California?

Baja Chicken: Cook at 350 degrees
Baja California: Feels like 350 degrees

Baja Chicken: approx. $3 gets you a meal
Baja California: approx. $3 gets you a day worker

Baja Chicken: gooey - kinda like decomposing
Baja California: gooey decomposing substances on the ground

Baja Chicken: elicits a "what, this is all there is?" response
Baja California: the same


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

He Is Opening Himself to All the Love in the Universe!

Turning an extra-ordinary lunch into an extraordinary lunch, fearless Monz agreed to indulge us in an experiment. We asked the Monz to try a wee bit of conscious eating, a mystical practice of the ancients. We beseached the Monz to tell us what he was feeling during this process. Needless to say, he didn't disappoint!


Ist attempt: "Wow. This salad is kinda yummy! The chicken tastes like its barbequed! MMmmm! Garlicy dressing. (chewchewchew) Wow. The chicken is extremely tender. They did a good job today. How come they didn't give us lots of plastic silverware? Dicks. How much time has gone by? 30 seconds! *#@%!! (swallow)"

2nd attempt: "Hmmm. Still yummy. Ooooh! I got a crouton in this mouthful! Mmmm. What's Vicki doing across the table? She is eating french dip. She is dipping it. I wonder if its yummy? (chewchewchew) All the food in my mouth is garlicy mush. I don't think I can chew much more. How much time has gone by? 40 seconds! *&#^%$!! (swallow)"

3rd Attempt: "Hmmm. Still yummy. Damn. No crouton. Chicken still tastes yummy. Amy is talking to me. Why? I am chewing! (chewchewchew) 'Must be love - it's a bitch - all right!' whoa! If I have to get a song stuck in my head, at least this one rocks! 'I'm feeling hungry - just ate a horse meat pie' Wow. Mick used to write good lyrics. I wish I could write good lyrics. Maybe I need to drink that yummy whiskey Toos gave me and then write. Wow. All the food in my mouth is mush. I wonder how long I've been chewing. #*&^@!! 30 seconds! (swallow)." <<

Just remember, where others say "What?!," we here at MonzYummyLunch say Wah!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

The Un-Yummy Skies!

Coincidentally, as you will see in a moment, Monz is having half the usual: the McDonald's CaliCobb (the rest of the office might ignore KFC's iniquity, but Monz Remembers!). Friday it was a brave return to the China Chef, where no foreign objects were detected in the Chicken Lo Mein or Hawaiian fried rice. Monday it was New Jewel, which remains consistently impressive after two visits.

The editors have flown Chicago's hometown airline several times in the past year, but nothing beyond a quick jaunt to the east coast. Hence, we were surprised to discover that the airline no longer provides free food (meal or snack -- we don't count a miniature bag of chex-like mix from some company we've never heard of). Instead, they "proudly" offered to sell us a meal: A Bennigan's California Cobb Salad! In a cardboard box no less! It could have been ours for a mere $10! (At check-in, we were offered an upgrade to economy-plus ("five extra inches of legroom" for a mere $40) We chose to suffer through both leg and stomach cramps, but we didn't mind. However, we were quite annoyed at the effect this scorched-lunch strategy has had on more savvy flyers, who brought on-board all sorts of odious odiforous edibiles and consumed them from boarding to landing. Yech! Maybe we should leave a cranky post here!


Thursday, August 05, 2004


CRJ = No Effin' Way! BBQ spicy sausage down on the old homestead.
Go East, Young Monz!

Monz head East to Connecticut for some well-deserved r 'n r. He suspected he be having something clammy or chowdery or the like but we haven't heard. But even though he is away, Monz is still concerned about you and wants you to Be Prepared! Outdoing the Boy Scouts (hey, what has a boy scout ever done for you?) by asking whether you have the official government emergency supply kit in your home. In a sturdy container like a plastic trash can or duffel bag, be sure to have a three day supply of water (three gallons per person) and food (be sure to include some yummy long-lasting freaks!), a first-aid kit, clothes, sleeping bags, toilet articles (is Monz a consultant to the government? we're not allowed to say - intelligence editors), flashlight, batteries, scissors, plastic sheeting, a battery-powered radio, and of course DUCT TAPE! It's also helpful to have a second, smaller kit with some of the above essentials in case you are asked to flee your home immediately.

Reader Alert: Blogging will probably be light the next couple days, as Monz is gone and the editors will be gone as well. All parties will be back by Tuesday.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Case Closed!>

Sure, you could spend tens of thousands of dollars to determine whether BigEgoPsychoDiva stole a song from PoorStrugglingSongwriter. Or you could just ask the Monz! "These songs are different enough." That settled, the editors were curious whether the diva in question had ever used the word "lunch" in a song. Nope. How about "food?" "Snacks?" "Groceries?" No, no and no. How about "eat?" Bingo! Now boogie your diva ass over to the lunchroom and get down with some Olive Garden leftovers!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Do You Remember?!

So how would you like to be living these days? A tired touring legend? A used-up washed-up junkie writing about being a tired touring legend? Or happily married with all of your creative yearings satisfied? Hey, we want to try some of that cherry elk!

Meanwhile, we would settle for some of that endless and bottomless Italian salad, chicken parmesean, and Italian meatballs -- especially if some honest bloke of a salesman were paying for it and we were celebrating the one year anniversery of our deliverance from evil (and what might be the first name of such evil? Oh, hi...

Monday, August 02, 2004

Go West Young Monz!

Monz travels to the Naper Settlement to secure someone's American Dream. The energy that such a deed (pun intended) requires has sapped all excitement out of the return to the new Jewel. A glimmer of hope: possible visits to the BookZeller and Anderson's. In our conversation with Monz today a subject appropo of nothing came up: Interpol. Interpol is like the Rick Saucedo of Joy Division -- not the real thing but an incredible impersonation. The problem is that Interpol dropped its cover, if not its pants, for an appearance in some laddie magazine where they are pictured with friggin' smiles on their mugs. Talk about a pin to the balloon! So the editors discontent themselves with "Send in the Clowns," Schubert's Piano Sonata in b-flat major and the collected works of Bobby Sutliff.

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