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Monday, February 28, 2005

Who's Next?!

This has gotta be a red letter week for the Monz when he can lead it off with a chickenham sandwich where both bird and "the other white meat"(tm) are from Whole Foods (with horseysauce, carrots, and apple: "this beast is going to be good").

Today Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote "Speaking of bachelors, and apartment and house decor, when it comes to your DVDs, I'll bet you have two collections: The acceptable, gender-appropriate mainstream fare that you display on the shelves near the DVD player -- and the other stuff that you just don't want company to see. It might be the "Girls Gone Wild" catalog; it might be splatter- horror stuff; it might be some light porn starring that HBO "Unscripted" babe who used to date George Clooney. Or it might be that you just don't want to explain why you own the complete works of Kate Hudson, including the special collectors' edition of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." You do have some DVDs hidden away, don't you?" Well Richard, Monz doesn't! You could infer that this means Monz isn't a bachelor. Or you could infer that R.R. is next on the William Blake hit parade!

Friday, February 25, 2005

Show Us the Love!

One of the benefits of working for monzyummylunch is witnessing all the love for the Monz shown by his adoring (if anonymous) public. No surprise there. And Monz appreciates it. But does he love his public even more? Of course not! Thus proving that Monz is the antithesis ofMichael Jackson. And we'd bet baubles to Bubbles that Michael Jackson didn't have a schizophrenic Usual (primo chicken from Whole Foods, standard ham from Jewel, on whole grain w/ horseysauce), carrots and apple.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

And Echo with the Sound of Salesmen!

The New Usual, with a stunning carrot comeback.

Monz also wants those members of Pink Floyd who are reading (or in the case of Syd, being read to) to e-mail the editors immediately. Information will be kept under wraps.

Can you feel it in the air? That's the wind of change, our friends. That's Monz' wind. The one that has the power. The power to bridge our grey world with its cold hearts into a brighter world. Ad World. In Ad World, only good companies advertise. If they demand our attention, our faith will be rewarded with a quantum increase in happiness. Take Brian, the Sprint PCS spokesman. When he interrupts the parents-kids soccer game, nobody is upset. Nobody is cynical and thinks that this is just some cold calling ("cold driving" -- he arrives in a multimedia-pimped-up truck) a****** desperate to peddle some unneeded wares for a grovely commission. They cheerfully gather around the truck and pay attention, and Brian rewards them with great savings that will restore family harmony because Sprint (tm) eliminated ugly overages, check it out! Brian will be our friend, witty, kind, protecting (he is some sort of FBI-type). We can put him in the PDA, go out for drinks. If you're a chick, he can fix you up with a friend. If you're a guy, he'll attract a great chick for you and then seemlessly transform himself into wingman. And there won't be any hard feelings because in Ad World only one company is worthy of existance.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Robert Plant Yummy Lunch!

In between last time we came an' this time
We managed to get a blog entry out for Monz' lunch
An' this's-a, somethin' that we decided
Was an apt title, for a thing that's called
"The Lunch Remains The Same."

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Spartan Way!

Chickenham sandwhich with apple and orange but no carrots. Just water. And since Monz' new regimen doesn't allow (for now) him to go to Yee's Noodles in Evanston, the editors will provide this review: very yummy for moderate buckage.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Go Ask Alice When She's Ten Pixels Tall!

MYL: Hi Alice, what do you think of Mark Monz' new lunch routine?
ALICE: I will ask my botmaster for the answer.
MYL: He's always having a lean-meat sandwich on whole grain bread.
ALICE: I see. having a lean meat sandwich on whole grain bread is he?
MYL: Yes, with carrots and apples.
ALICE: Come on. You and your carrots and apples.
MYL: No, not me, Mark Monz!
ALICE: Are you serious? If not you, who? Who are you talking about?
MYL: Everybody knows the Monz!
ALICE: I'm not sure I believe you, surely not everyone does.

Obviously Alice must live in some sort of fantasy world...

Friday, February 18, 2005

What Can It Be?!

MYL: "Hang on a sec -- I'm reading something and it's complicated. Sorry."

Monz:"[Crunch, Crunch] I'm chewing something and it's yummy. Sorry."


Thursday, February 17, 2005

Better You, Deux!

Like a diamond-studded Victoria Secret pushup bra that you hock at a pawn shop and do a Gretchen Wilson at Wal-Mart, Monz practically ordered us to uplift your life again. Thus, we tell you that in a trial of overwieght adults, researchers discovered that sniffing green apple, peppermint and banana odors helped participants lose weight. Want some natural enhancement? Sniff some pumpkin pie and doughnuts. Feeling depressed? Just let the almond extract, lavender, orange blossom or vanilla waft around you, though lavender also has an "anxiety reducing" effect. And if you like anxiety, Monz has a certain Brut(tm)-enabled fragrence he can brew-up for you! Unfortunately, none of these odors appear to be present in Monz' lunch: Chicken Vesuvio w/ apple, bannana, and carrots.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

You, Only Better!

Like an overpriced push-up bra, Monz gives a lift to your entire life. First, his lunch -- the usual (horseraddish mustard, orange, apples and carrots), which is probably a lot better for you than what you are dining on today. Second, Monz, without hesitation, authorized us to release the following information to you. According to Consumer Reports, mental ability on some tasks vary up to 30% based on the time of day. Creativity and the ability to process information should be done in the morning. Need to be alert? Tackle those complex problems just before LUNCH. Long-term memory peaks in the late afternoon or early evening, so leave that studying or continuing-ed for later!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Lunch of Destiny!

Fast becoming the new Usual, chicken breast sandwich on whole grain, all Jewel-bought, carrots, banana. The editors are as brain-dead as this lunch, so we refer you to this lunch songand immodestly comment that we think we do much better.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day!

William Blake once wrote "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained." And with this in mind we tell you that Monz is having a very disciplined lunch of a chicken breast sandwich w/ WF multigrain bread (mustard), carrots and a minneola. Are we saying that Monz lacks for passion? No, we're saying that if Blake were alive today Monz would give him the beatdown of his sorry life.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Sometimes He Goes to Extremes!

We all know that the Monz is not one of the 9 "ultimate lawyers" in America. But he should be! Which Supreme Court Justice is Monz most like? (ideologically speaking, that is!) Sandra Day O'Connor! We wonder if she had a large-losing-worthy Chicken Vesuvio with carrots today for lunch too.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Lunch? We Got Your Lunch for You Buddy, Right Here!

It is a testament to the Monz that when, like the editors, your lunch is reduced to a chain-store large sized baguette + one pat of butter, you can still find the motivation to report that Monz had a chicken vesuvio sandwich from whole foods w/ carrots.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

One for the Fellas!

Same as yesterday, except we've been mistaken: it's mustard, not mayo, and today there's an apple trying to impersonate a banana.

Ladies, we beg your indulgence and request that you to stop reading the blog for today -- the rest of today's entry is not for you. We promise you a ladies-only entry in the near future!

Ok guys, chances are you've been annoyed this winter by a taunting, teasing, nontelling radio spot encouraging you to get a fake tan by using some lotionpotion. The spot is read by a breathy woman who ends the ad by saying "when I'm looking for a guy to keep me warm this winter, only those with a hot, healthy tan will get a second look from me. So get [product name here], and give yourself a chance." (Interestingly, her attempted "come hither" tone kinda fades with the last few words, as-if her endurance for striking this vocal pose was running out). After all that, you figure this voice better belong to somebody pretty hot themselves. The version that runs on ESPN Radio 1000 tells you that the voice belongs to one of their bimbo brigade, Jacqueline of the ESPN "Fuegos." As a public service, we satiate your curiosity and throw in the gratuitous comment that Jacqueline better not try this guff on television!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


Empty your mind. That's right, stop reading, shut your eyes and concentrate. Not one thought. Woops, there goes one! There goes another! Your mind is like a puppy, it can't keep from fidgiting and bouncing around! Ok, try this: think of a thin slice of ham. Oh-so-thin. Now two. Let no other thought than those two think slices of ham fill your mind. Good! Now, picture a chicken breast sandwhich with those two thin pieces and some horseradish mayo spread on the wholegrain bread that sandwhichs the meats. Picture nothing else. Feel your breathing slow, your blood pressure go down, a warm aura of peacefullness washing over you. Ahhhhhhhh...oh hell, we forgot to include the bananas and carrots!

Monday, February 07, 2005

Profiles in Courage...and Cowardice!

Those who purposefully endured or accidentally caught the tail-end of Fox' Super Bowl (tm) pregame show witnessed something very rare. Recall that most tv networks and radio stations have one (sometimes two) "ubiquitous voice" -- the dude (it's almost always a guy) who does all the voiceover previews and many of the advertisements. Like the guy on NBC who will teasingly ask you "what could possibly make the Donald do this?" on next week's Apprentice, or condescendingly tries to convince you that next week's "ER" is high-art (but you're too smart for that). Back to yesterday: Fox runs this promo for 24, saying it's so exciting that they have to make sure everybody knows, so they send their voice dude out into the field to make the rounds. And if you listen carefully you realize that it is INDEED THE FOX UBIQUITOUS VOICE DUDE! And this takes guts, because we secretly suspect that the "ubiquitous voice," while sounding commanding and adult and compassionate and all-that, really belongs to someone who's body doesn't match-up. And lo and behold, Fox' UV looks like a taller, slightly better-built version of the Dunkin' Donuts Donut Maker.

Contrast this with the shame of the our least-favorite voice dude, the voice of the ATA Airlines commercials. You may recall that several months ago there were press reports that ATA was in trouble and might diminish their Chicago service. So they rushed out ATA voice dude to emphatically assure us that "ATA is going nowhere, we're just going easy." A month later they had filed Chapter 11 and sold off many of their Midway slots. Now ATA voice dude has the gall to come back and push ATA on us as a business-centric airline. Shame on you ATA dude! Come out and show your face!!

While Monz has a great voice that, come to think of it, is well-acquitted for UV work, and has courage to spare (we refer you to the first day of this blog!), it doesn't take much courage to tackle a lunch as yummy as Monz': homemade broiled chicken breast with honey mustard and lettuce on Healthy Choice whole grain bread. And carrots.

Friday, February 04, 2005

You Saxy Thing!

Repeat of yesterday with a twist: chocolate lowfat yogurt from Stoneyfield Farms. Nothing more to add except to note that we love the 70's!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Dog Day

What kind of dog is Monz? He's a Gordon Setter! Not as surprising as it may seem: GS's are Scottland's only bred gun dog, tireless and loyal. We also note that "this breed needs to exercise or it may become hyperactive." Indeed! We always thought Monz needed to get laird. In the meantime, he'll be dining on a turkey and ham (but not turkey ham) sandwich with veganaise on whole wheat. The carrots were remembered, but the bananas were not forsaken.

And what kind of dog are you? Look to the right!

On a sadder note, the editors mourn the passing of Grant Pick, an immensley decent, softspoken man who might have been the most all-around charitable person the editors know who managed to have a rich personal life (the editors have met some martyrs in their day...) He died tragically young at 57 and will be missed.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Yes, We Have No Carrots!

Broiled chicken and ham (no cheddar) with veganaise (vegtable mayo, Monz teaches us something new!) on whole grain bread. No carrots, but a banana!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Choosing the Best!

Today we are reminded that lunchtime can be storytime. Today Monz is dining on home-Broiled chicken breast sandwich with lettuce and jack daniels mustard on whole grain bread, and, of course, carrots. In doing such, Monz chooses the best lunch. Kind of like the federally-funded abstinence program "Choosing the Best," which has this timely lesson for all you ladies out there. Once there was a princess who was in peril from a firery dragon. A handsome young knight arrives and chases the dragon away with his sword. The princess asks the knight to use a noose to kill the next dragon, and poison for the dragon who follows. The Knight obliges but feels shamed. Eventually the knight decides to marry a poor village maiden, but only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses or poison. The cirriculum concludes "Moral of the story: Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess." We think the Monz would channel an additional suggestion: "I have just one burning desire, let me stand next to your fire!"

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