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Friday, July 30, 2004

Whad'ya Know?!

Today we learned that Abraham Lincoln wrote a suicide poem, the Indianpolis Clowns of the Negro Legues had a female pitcher on the roster, McDonald's new chicken strips are pretty good, but the sauces aren't (the buffalo sauce is salty and not hot at all, the ranch was near tasteless), a blood glucose monitor goes for $15 at Walgreen's, Monz had spaghetti from Cochiarro's, and the only thing you one needs to know about Fillipo's in Deerfield is that they never brought bread (though one might also want to know that the food was mediocre and expensive).

Thursday, July 29, 2004

They've Got A Pepper Bar!

Lots of drama to tell your mama today!  First we heard Monz and crew were making a long overdue visit to Quiznos for their barbeque chipolte roasted turkey sandwich.  As luck would have it, the editors had tried this sandwich and found it quite tasty, however, as with a disturbing number of Quiznos' offerings, er, it wasn't the end of the story.  Hearing this threw Monz into an existential crisis of epiphanic proportions, and he changed course to leftover fried rice from Monday.  But Monz' heart (and beer) was too stout for that, and he manfully conquered that barbequed bird a la tex-mex.  The result?  This (check for 7/29) - and that's a quote!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

The Manchurian Cookie!

Bennigan's Chicken Caesar Salad.  Hopes are not high, reserves are depleated, but it's always darkest before the dawn.

Also, as a logical and necessary result of our mission here at Monzyummylunch, we will be reporting on the things you need to know to cast a knowledgable vote for President of the United States.  Things you won't hear (much) about in the mass media.  For example, sure, you heard about the first lady cookie contest (recipes reprinted below).  But did you know that Teresa Heinz Kerry's original recipe 1) invoked the holy word "yummy" ("Yummy Wonders")?  Or that it was rejected for being inedible?  Or that THK now accuses a mole in her office of releasing the new recipe without her consent, claiming she never made and doesn't like this type of cookie? (pumpkin spice) 

Laura Bush’s Oatmeal-Chocolate Chunk Cookies 
1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) butter, at room temperature     1 cup sugar     1 1/2 cups light-brown sugar     3 eggs     1 tablespoon vanilla     3 cups flour     1 tablespoon baking powder     1 teaspoon salt     2 teaspoons cinnamon     3 cups quick oats (not old-fashioned)     2 cups chopped walnuts     1 1/2 packages (8 ounces each) chocolate chunks (3 cups)     2 cups coarsely chopped dried sour cherries        

Heat over to 350 degrees.          With electric mixer, cream butter and both sugars. Beat in eggs one at a time, then beat in vanilla. Add flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and oats; slowly beat until blended. Stir in walnuts, chocolate and cherries. Drop by tablespoonfuls onto cookie sheet covered with parchment paper. Bake at 350 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes, until golden brown. Makes about 8 dozen cookies.    

Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Pumpkin Spice Cookies         
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, at room temperature     1 cup sugar     1 egg     1 cup canned pumpkin puree (from 15-ounce can; do not use pumpkin pie filling)     1 teaspoon vanilla     2 cups all-purpose flour     1 teaspoon baking powder     1/2 teaspoon salt     1 teaspoon cinnamon     1/2 teaspoon allspice     1 cup chopped walnuts     1 cup raisins          Heat oven to 375 degrees.     

With electric mixer, cream butter and sugar. Beat in egg, pumpkin and vanilla. Sift together flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and allspice. Stir into pumpkin mixture. Stir in chopped walnuts and raisins.          Drop by tablespoonfuls onto a well-greased cookie sheet and bake at 375 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes, until golden on edges. Makes about 5 dozen cookies.


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Eat It!

The editors are still tired, so they asked their good friend Al to guest blog today.  He said "Why sure, anything for the Monz!  You know, hearing that Monz is going back to the old Chinese Place (China House on Belmont - nostalgia editor) reminds me of other has-beens which are still kickin it, like me, or like Cyndi Lauper, which reminds me of a song of hers which I covered..."

Some girls like to buy new shoes
And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos
There's only one thing that they all like a bunch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

I know how to keep a woman satisfied
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide
They're always in the mood for something to munch
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have

That's all they really want
Some lunch
Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch
'Cause girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch

Girls, they want
Want to have lunch
Girls wanna have

She eats like she got a hole in her neck
And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check
Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton
Oh, girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have

That's all they really want
Is some lunch
Don't know for certain but I've got a hunch
Those girls, they want to have lunch
Oh, girls just want to have lunch 
They just want to
They just want to
Girls just want to have lunch

[At this point the editors put down the phone and walked away, muttering "ok, go away Al."  Please don't tell him that.]

Monday, July 26, 2004

Take a New Look at an Old Friend!

Monday, you say?  Jewel lunch tyranny, you say?  Well, yes, but the old Jewel has been closed down, forcing Monz and the gang to a new Jewell.  What's the difference?  Only everything!  This is a Jewel Marketplace.  Chicken, ham, cheddar, fresh French Bread, crunchy fresh vegatables, delicate seasoning...Success! The silicon chip inside our heads gets flipped to overload: Monz is now looking forward to next Monday!

Friday, July 23, 2004

Let Monz' Conscience Be Your Guide!

This week many Americans were shocked to learn of the brutal, dispicable horror being purpetrated on innocent civilians.  No, not the Sudanese Genocide (that's still unknown), but this.  Well, they wouldn't have been surprised had they been listening to the Monz!  It was just this past July 9th that Monz was beseaching those near and far to turn away from the evil colonel and let those birds live in peace (in a lovely field, no less!)  We've said it before, we'll say it again: spooky!  Needless to say, the least we can do is bow our heads in prayer that Monz' lunch today of grilled chicken sandwich and chocolate milkshake from Portillo's will be pleasing.

Pleasing is not how we would describe the editors' experience at America's Dog.  We had high hopes for some exotic encased meats while Doug is on haitus. So we ordered up a Baltimore Dog (fried Vienna Beef dog with melted cheese and onions) and a Louisiana Dog (bbq sauce), with a small bottle of Poland Spring water to wash it down.  Ack!  It took us nearly five minutes of careful analysis to confirm that the Baltimore Dog was indeed fried, or at least cooked differently from the other dog.  After shoveling off the excess melted cheese, it was somewhat palatable, if unspectacular. The Louisiana Dog was a mess -- we prefer our Open Pit, and for a premium dog the whole affair looked small within the bun.  These dogs were three bucks a piece - ok, but $2.25 for a small bottle of water?!  With not even a sports cap?!  We were so upset that we started chucking chunks of the Louisiana Dog to the seagulls.  Which was a mistake, as they obnoxiously chased after the carion, squawking loudly.  Hey seagulls, how'd you like to meet the Colonel?!  And Monz' reaction?  "You are good Muslims -- you threw out the American dogs!"

Thursday, July 22, 2004


(this mysteriously arrived at the myl offices):

Dear Diary:  Today is Thursday, July 22 and I am so ashamed!  You see, I was having an awful day at work.  My coworkers were betraying me -- going to freakin' McDonald's when I needed a yummy lunch.  I couldn't face another dreary mass-produced mediocrity -- I just couldn't!  That's when I heard about a mythical dude who goes by the name of "Monz."  When faced with the same situation he brought in some Cajun Chicken Salad from Whole Foods, spread out on a luscious ripe organic tomato, with some Nantucket Nectar Cranberry Lemonade for pizzaz!  He fought their crap with Yummyness!  I figured I would do the same thing.  But then when I got to Whole Foods I found out that it would cost so much money that I couldn't afford that 1970's ticket stub from my hero's band, Joe X. Dube, that I have my heart set on!  What to do, what to do?  I walked out and went to the Walgreen's next door for a banana nut Powerbar.   Is there any wonder that I'm miserable?


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Down and Out!

Bummers all around as Monz battles a mighty flu bug.  Yesterday he was out of the office and while he has fought back gamely, there is a pall over his lunch (McDonalds Bacon Ranch Salad with Grilled Cicken and a surprise milkshake of some sort).  The spectre of West Nile has been raised, and though Monz promises that, should it be that maurading mosquito malady he shall whip its a**, the very thought reminds us of the recently departed Robert Quine.   One of the editors always had a soft spot for Mr. Quine.  A rabid music fan (he used to tape shows at New York city clubs) who worked for a while as a tax lawyer, he gave up the law to be a guitarist for Richard Hell and the Voidoids, though he always looked like a tax lawyer (paunchy, balding).  He was quite good and even if you don't favor the harder-edge new wave stuff, you may have heard him play on Matthew Sweet's "Girlfriend," Lou Reed's semi-popular 80's records or Lloyd Cole's "Don't Get Weird on Me, Babe" or one of many others he guested on.  After his wife of over 30 years died unexpectedly, Quine committed suicide.  RIPBQ. 

And now we hear that the surprise shake was an artic orange and it was very disappointing.  Argh!
We'll try to be cheerier tomorrow! 


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Whispered the Sounds of Silence!

You know as much as we do!


Monday, July 19, 2004

Instant Karma Got Us!

Today everything was a ball of confusion -- Monz legaleagaling on the road, planning to go to Cosis -- us running on fumes.   Not up to blogging ourselves, we decided to ask John Lennon what he thought of Monz's lunch plans.  But John seemed a little peeved that we bothered him...

JL: Hey, how are you? Maybe you could help us here. We just seem to be getting lies from Canadian Immigration saying they'll give us a chartered plane to go play a rock concert this weekend.

MYL: Sorry, we can't help.  We wanted to you a question about Monz' lunch plans.

JL: Get rid of the ego folks.

MYL: But Monz is going to Cosi for lunch - what do you think about that?

JL: Huh?   
MYL: It's a flatbread sandwich and salad place.

JL: A flatbread sandwich and salad place ? Are you sure about that?
MYL: Well, he has to eat somewhere.

JL: How about thinking of something else.

MYL: McDonald's for a chicken caesar salad and a chicken mcgrill?

JL: That's very original.  

Friday, July 16, 2004

Who Are We To Argue?!

With Monz?  With  Ashley?  Not us!  Turkey Bacon Club!

Speaking of people whose name begins with "A," is this dude a journeyman hack or the salvation of rock?  He reports, you decide! 

Thursday, July 15, 2004

A Curse Upon His (or her) Mustache!

We don't know who is responsible for the fact that Monz is forgoing lunch today, but we do know they are doomed to a miserable fate. Kinda like Saddam Hussein, though he did entertain us with this bit of courtroom jousting:

JUDGE: This is only the legal matters, and you have the right to not answer until a lawyer is present.

SADDAM: This is for the previous review....You have to hear me out.

[T]he occupation of Kuwait, the charge number seven. It's unfortunate that this is coming out of an Iraqi. The law is there, law to charge Saddam Hussein because Kuwaitis said that the Iraqi women will come to the street for 10 dinars. And I defended the honor of the Iraqis. Those animals.

JUDGE: Don't use foul language and attack. This is a legal session.

SADDAM: Yes, I bear responsibilities for everything.

JUDGE: Anything outside of obscenity or outside of the norms of a legal session is not accepted.

SADDAM: Then forgive me.

Anything outside an obscenity is not accepted? Those wacky Iraqis!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Mmmm, Mayo, Mmmm-Mmmm!

Good news, bad news. First the bad news: lunch was a tragedy today. The announcement came over the loudspeakers: Pizza Hut. Consultations were had. A side trip to the old Thai place on Milwaukee was suggested. Historical archives were examined. A phone call was placed. The ambient sound of a restaurant was heard. Another call was made, and another. Nothing but ambient noise - kinda a Brian Eno nightmare! More consultations. Capitulation to the Pizza Hut, but there's no answer there either. Back to Burger King: fire grilled chicken Caesar, less yummy due to the traumatic preceding events.

Now the good news: Monzyummylunch is one year old today! Yay! And to thank our loyal readers, here's a golden hair surprise:

Well I tried to make lunch Sunday
But I got so damn depressed
That I set my sights on Monday
But Jewel's made my lunch a mess.
I ain't ready for those cold cuts
But I do agree there's times
When some extra beef can be a friend of mine.

Well I keep on thinking 'bout it
Calutta's lunch surprise
And I just can't dine without it
Jeffs' been playing with my mind.
They're all poor with sanitation
Good help's too too hard to find
And you know that means the Scon ain't far behind.

Will you seat me in the middle
Will you seat me at the end?
Will you pack that up for take-out
Give me change for this here ten?
Well I tried to make it
I don't mind saying
This needs more baking.


Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Chew on This!

Bennigan's for a Chicken Caesar Salad. We wish we could work up the passion for this lunch that it deserves on our own, but we're tired. And we didn't have the opportunity to chew the fat with the Monz, else we'd surely be worked up about something! By the way, did you know the phrase "chew the fat" comes the old maritime lunch fare of salty cured pork and beef? That's the way they did it before refrigeration, but the beast was sooo tough that you had to chew it for a long time just to make it palatable. Sailors would socialize while dining and soon conversation and mastication were conflated!


Monday, July 12, 2004

Crazy Coho Kisser!

There have been many remembrances lately in connection to of the 25th anniversary of Disco Demolition Night. Did you know that, as usual with such momentous events in human history, Monz was there? That he was a card-carrying member of the Insane Coho Lips and not just some johnny-come-lately poser? He has no recollection what record he brought except that it came from the now-defunct Laurie's Records (we think today that space is soon to become a Mephisto shoe store). The editors remember watching the game on the old UHF Channel 44, sipping carob flavored milk (at the time it was kinda trendy) and calling up friends to tell them about the mayhem. Our favorite story was that of Mike Veeck, Bill Veeck's kid and the White Sox official in charge of the promotion. Twenty years later a PR guy for the Florida Marlins thought it would be a good idea for him and disco-era icon K.C. (of the Sunshine Band) to shake hands and make-up. No hard feelings, right? Wrong.

>>'They thought it would be hilarious,'' Veeck said. ''But it turned out he'd been waiting 20 years to tell me I'd wrecked his life. We shook hands, and he said, 'Now we have closure.' I kept looking for him to laugh. I said, 'No, all we have here is a theatrical event.'' [KC recalls] "Like I said to him, whether he was just attacking our music, he was attacking people's livelihoods, our families and children. I wasn't really sure what it was about at the time, other than a bunch of rockers who didn't like our brand of music."<<

Well, we know one thing that isn't going to be demolished: Monz' lunch! That's because it's Jewel Tyranny Monday: chicken, ham, sharp cheddar.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Royal Update!

A correspondent who goes by the name "The Pigeon" has more on the Burger King. Apparently there was also a supporting cast of characters, among them his nemesis, the Duke of Doubt. The Burger King was something of a magician (or is that "some magician?" - Julian editor). "Take this burger, put it over here, make it move like magic, now watch it disappear! Toss these potatoes, see what's up? Lots of juicy french fries, it's magic, not luck!" We don't remember any of this, but we don't doubt it! Of course, nobody is more royal than our royal readers! Even the editors, who can only claim nobility through their ownership of real property in Scotland...

And speaking of pigeons, that reminds us of Monz' lunch: one half of the usual (the green half). This because the rest of the folks are off to KFC. Why not Monz, since he's already having a bird-based meal? "KFC is barely a bird -- too sickly to eat, it should be allowed to live in a field somewhere."

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The King Is Dead, Long Live the King!

In a surprise, Monz is having Burger King's fire grilled chicken salad. While Monz is blah-ze about Burger King, the editors have a certain fascination with the place. Following their demise from a once "Avis-like" challenger to McDonalds to a tertiary fast food power is like watching a car wreck. For example, they just hire a new CEO to turn things around, and then the franchises revolted because they don't want to mop up their filthy stores!

But the origin of their downfall was inarguably when they dumped the "Burger King" -- a bearded, friendly, crown wearing gent with a slightly mischievous gleam in his eye. Way cooler than Ronald McDonald (who we still like). The Burger King had a theme song:

He's the marvelous magical Burger King
He can do most anything
He loves burgers, cokes and fries,
And here's something new right before your eyes!
[At this point the tv screen would go "poof" and a bunch of presents would appear for all the kids]
He's got toys and fun for everyone!
[More goodies would appear, the kids would all go "BURGER KING, YAY!!!!" and the Burger King would stare at us through the tv screen, smile and nod knowingly].

Masterful! But it could have been even better...

He's the marvelous magical Bonger King
He will smoke most anything
He loves burnouts, coke and fries
And here's something new right before your eyes!
[At this point the tv screen would go "poof" and a bunch of waterpipes would appear]
He's got tokes and smokes for all the folks!

But they got rid of the Burger King and then started making fun of geeks (remember the Herb ads?), which continues to this day. Mocking your core advertising base? That's a great marketing idea! Monz, you casted your pearls before swine!

Oh, the salad? Monz remembers this -- it has the chicken in a pouch to keep the lettuce cold, "like that McDonalds thing years before" (McDLT, we thinks?). "Normally I'd make fun of it, but it actually seems to have worked, but it's not like the chicken caesar I had before the Sloan show, which was an excellent chicken caesar!"

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Won't Get Fooled Again!

We had no clue as to what Monz was going to lunch on today, other than it wouldn't be this place. Now we know: Father and Son's pizza, this time of their own volition and funding!

Meanwhile, has the most popular country act in the nation been listening to the Trio? We report, you decide!

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

The Patriot!

Friends, you may not realize it, but momentous events in our nation's history dating as far back as the Revolutionary War occurred on a Sunday. Do you think the Founding Fathers said "oh, how inconvenient, let's reschedule this tiff with the mother country for tomorrow?" No, by George, they did not! Thus Monz was saddened that nobody heard his lonely lunch cry yesterday of leftover ribs we made last night on the grill and a spoonful of peanut butter from Whole Foods. Or that today he had a patriotic stew of leftover ribs, lamb and corn (for what is America if not unique and creative?) Like another great patriot (this one killed in action on a Sunday), Monz regrets he has but one lunch to lose for his nation!

For completeness sake, last Friday Monz had the usual, with a bonus fruit and yogurt parfait.

Friday, July 02, 2004

38 Special!

First, although we don't know who Matthew Martin is, we give a big shout-out to all of his readers who moseyed on over. Thanks Matt!

Alas, while we learned that yesterday Monz had lunch at Franksville, we're in the dark about today. Though the forecast was not good. Instead, we offer some unique, yet somehow familiar, lunch advice. Have a great holiday weekend everybody!

you see it all around you
good lunches gone bad
and usually it's too late when you
realized what you had
(think about the profundity of that -the editors)
and my mind goes back
to a cook I knew
some years ago
who told me
just season lightly
but don't forgo
if you season too much
your gonna lose control

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Mum's the Word and So the Word Is Mum, Mum!

Monz is out partying with 42 and we are uncertain as to his lunch plans. So we offer a recent flashback:

When the editors were in Canada they brought back some Canadian-only groceries, like Campbell's Chunky chili. Multiple varieties. Upon trying the "Homestyle" we were, at first, quite pleased: surprisingly meaty, but zesty. We couldn't quite make out the taste of individual ingredients, but it still imparted an impression of freshness. "Yummy!" we thought. "Bring it to the States!" About six hours later yellow-suited workers were sealing off the editors' homes, from which emanated muffled sounds and cries. Off the record, experts reported they hadn't witnessed such a scene of constructive arrest and chili since Normal, IL in 1984. That's right, Campbell's had somehow acquired Mom Monz' recipe!

Could this be a coincidence? We think not!

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