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Friday, April 28, 2006

Are You Looking at My Bum?!

Lessons learned from Misericordia candy days: Women give more than men to male volunteers. Men give more than women to female volunteers. Hot chicks don't give to either. Bums pretend to drop a coin into the can, but they aren't after the candy, they want the donor tag to put on themselves for use in their solicitations! We were very impressed that Misericordia dumped the generic life savers-like candy it used to give and now gives authentic Jelly Belly candy!

Monz learned a lesson too: when in Savannah don't dine on River Street! Monz returned to that old man river road to dine at the Cobblestone Conch House. Monz had shrimp lasagna, Mrs. Monz and "some ham-wrapped makki." And it was "only ok," but not terrible. They then went off to take a Grey Line tour, but no details were forthcoming. Maybe because it's that time of year again! Monz HIMSELF will be blogging the first two weeks of May. Don't miss it!

Thursday, April 27, 2006


The following letter was received at the MYL office:

>>Dear Editors of "Monzyummylunch.blogspot.com":

The undersigned represent Don Lapre and, through him, all the innocent sucke...sales representatives for "The World's Greatest Vitamin" (tm). We have reviewed yesterday's scurilous charges against our client and insist that you immediately 1) remove the defamatory material from your blog, 2) appologize to Mr. Lapre for your unfair attacks and 3) try "The World's Greatest Vitamin" absolutely risk-free for the next 30 days. If you don't like it, return it to us for a full refund, not including shipping and handling, void where prohibitted.

Al Waise Cheatum.<<

Meanwhile, Monz bravely carries on after yesterday's outing made him so ill, he didn't eat anything until today's lunch! Undaunted, Monz heads to Vic's on the River for some local cuisine: pulled pork sandwich with stone ground grits and sweet potato creme brule (sp? hey, we're not French!). Mrs. Monz goes for a fried green tomatoes appetizer and the veggie plate (asparagus, butermilk mashed potatoes, collar greends and macaroni 'n cheese).

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Don Lapre: Exposed!

With Monz safely out of town, the truth can now be told! Our crack investigators have discovered that Don Lapre has somehow tapped into the genetic code to perpetrate a giant scam! He gets informercial viewers to give him their hard earned bucks to become vitamin salesmen! How could he possibly make money on this?

The answer lies in the screenshots of the two women pictured above. Their conversation dominates the infomercial. We have learned that men who otherwise wouldn't sit still for such inane banter longer than 30 seconds will remain mezmerized by the presence of female breasts. Interviews with leading scientists confirm that there is a genetic attraction for most men to such visual images, theorized to be linked to an instinctive sex drive. Exhaustive research by our investigators has found that businesswomen rarely wear atire showing this much cleavage!. Just a coincidence? Think again -- the overwhelming majority of the salesmen are male!

We've put the evidence in a special photgallery for you to view! (Don't use the "slideshow" feature because you won't see the necessary commentary we've added to the pics. Oh, and the penultimate pic is supposed to be the last one, we couldn't reorder it no matter how hard we tried, but there are 5, not 4, uncovered agents).

A momentus report such as this deserves a momentous lunch, and Monz delivers! Dining at Tubby's Tank House the Monz orders calamari, a house salad with cucumber onion dressing, a Sweetwater 420 Pale Ale (with a hat-tip to G-Man who advises us all to have a brew with lunch), and the "Low Country Platter." Mrs. Monz has the Grilled Yellow Fin Tuna with white wine.

The problem in the gallery with the order of the salesfolks has been fixed - IT Dept.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

We've Got Mail!

It's time once again to check out the MYL mailbag!

>>Dear Sir and/or Madam:

I am the head of the psychiatry department at a well-known and respected research university. I was, to say the least, very impressed by the insight Mr. Monz demonstrated in the brief advice he gave your young intern. I must ask: is it intuitive or is Mr. Monz educated in psychology and/or medicine? In particular, I'm curious if Mr. Monz was drawing upon familiarity with a 1946 study by the National Council of the Theosophical Society of England? <<

Classes come and classes go, but Monz got his pre-doctorate at the College of Ultrarighteous Knowledge.

>>Do you feel guilty about all your Ernie [a New Orleans or New Orleans area resident previously dubbed the"Anti-Monz" - archivist editor] bashing after Hurricane Katrina?<<

From a recent entry on Ernie's blog: "Anyway, I'm excited to be at one of the premier legal technology events." Um, no.

>>What did Monz have for lunch today?<<

Glad you asked! We'll let Monz speak for himself:"Monz celebrates his impending departure to GA with a yummy foot long turkey on hearty Italian with *BOTH* types of peppers! Can't get enough of those peppers!"

We should note that Monz will being calling-in his lunches from the road for the remainder of the week and has instructed the staff not to use the "go to press" deadline as an excuse to blow-off posting either completely or with halfhearted efforts.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Monz Speaks!

Because you all have been so patient waiting for today's post, we have a special treat: rare audio uncovered over the weekend that upon information and belief is the Monz giving sage advice to our then-intern Al Hewitt! Just like Sibilla, the editors realize that this advice is really for the entire world! Just one thing...

Friday, April 21, 2006

Lunch Takes Risks. Lunch Takes Monz!

It's Chinese Food Friday, but nothing like previous CFF's: combo fried rice, sweet & sour chicken, ribs, and Lad Nar from PF Changs! Can it help but be yummy?

Oh, and to anybody who was walking around the south loop this morning looking for the editors, we made a mistake: Misericordia Candy Days is next weekend. Er, sorry.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

It's All About Monz!

Happy Birthday to Monz!
Happy Birthday to Monz!
Happy Birthday to the only person in Waukegan who will be lunching today on a delicious Turkey Derby sandwich from Corner Bakery, making its first appearence in many a mooo--ooon!
Happy Birthday to Monz!
And many more!

The editors also wish to take this oportunity to address a recent anonymous comment:
Anonymous said...
Monz, you just figured out that your lunch is about 1/8 of this blog?

Obviously this person is a johnny (or joany) come lately to the blog. It's --all-- about Monz! When Monz' lunch reporting invokes such brilliant minimalist style as yesterday, it is an instruction to the editors to fill the friends of Monz with witty, entertaining and dramatic stories from a world that might otherwise seem dull, faded and out of contrast. It's Monz world, the editors just blog in it!

And if that doesn't satisfy 'ya, a reminder that per MYL tradition, MONZ WILL BE BLOGGING THE ENTIRE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF MAY!!!

For all you Chicago-area MYL fans out there who can't make it to D.C. on the 30th, you can meet the editors tomorrow, as they'll be somewhere in the South Loop for Misericordia Candy Days. We don't know exactly where, so we suggest you just go up and down the streets dropping coins in every Misericordia can you see and asking the volunteer "so, are you an editor I read about on Monzyummylunch?"

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Sinister Forces Attack MYL!

Monz has The Usual. We have trouble. Remember that surprise super special secret sleuthing the research staff was working on? Remember the photos that we promissed? Well, someone leaked the news -- the myl remote offices were apparently ransacked and the pictures electronically destroyed!

We know you're out there, sinister stealers from the slothfull. We know you're reading. So read this: we know about how you've cracked the human genetic code so-as to tap into certain primal forces that are impossible to resist. And those phictures were ironclad proof. You think by destroying them you'll prey upon the legions of those who follow Monz' lunch? HA! We have other sources! Laugh now, while you can!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

We Know a Cat Who Can Really Do the Cool Jerk!

Monz lunch is a ditto, both on the contents and the yumminess. Yet for some unknown reason, this left the editors unmoored and indecisive about their own lunch plans. They asked the security guard at MYL headquarters where to go. He suggested The Place (well, not the Waukegan "place" but a Chicago "place" around the corner). But after heading out, the editors spied the food cart for "The BBQ Place" which is subtitled "Authentic Jamaican Food." And they saw the hard working driver/server, standing alone beside his cart. The editors approached and asked what was good. "Jerk Chicken!" he responded. "Does it come with a fork?" the editors asked, as the editors do NOT eat lunch at the myl offices but would need to retreat to the stone benches nearby. Yes it did, with jerk sauce, rice, beans and a piece of whtie bread. "Ok, we'll try it!" The price was six bucks, a little stiff but hey. We took our styrofoam containers and dug in. The jerk sauce is hot! The white bread is hearty! The rice and beans are pleasantly chewey! The chicken tastes like chicken! We have another bite of the chicken. Still tastes like chicken! Ditto! Ditto again! We look down! Ruh-roh. This chicken is a little multicolored for our tastes. We switch back to the beans and rice. We're ready to give this cart the thumbs-up, but like the Joy Cunningham judicial election, we'll give it time.

MYL: Hello
Monz: This is meanest Monzyummylunch entry ever!
MYL: Why?
Monz: Monz' lunch gets one line. The editors lunch goes on forever. And a gratuitous reference to Joy Cunningham!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Test Your Monz Knowledge!

Here are your clues:

1) Monz introduced the editors to this product in the past.

2) It's consumable.

3) Properly prepared, it is both cold and hot at the same time.

4) It had disappeared from the place it was discovered, but now it's back.

5) Monz used to love this place but now disses it. He might go back to buy this item, but we don't think that alone will alter his opinion.

6) It would go very well with today's lunch of corned beef sandwich on 7 grain bread with beer mustard and cheddar, apple, orange, and carrots.

The answer is in the comments section!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Under the Gun!

When we last spoke with the Monz, Chinese Food Friday was in grave peril. We've awaited an update with baited breath, but none has been forthcomming.

Meanwhile, the editors are walking on pins and needles because the myl investigative reporters have unearthed a sinister (but brilliant) plot to swindle male food consumers across America out of their hard-earned fortune. This scheme involves a number of multimillion dollar corporations and we wouldn't have believed it ourselves had we not been presented with damning pictures, pictures which we intended to show you next week! At least if they don't get to us first! Until then, have a safe and happy Easter and/or Passover and/or weekend!


With CFF on the line, Monz takes an ordinary turkey burger from Red Star Tavern and channels the spirit of Don (those in the know are going "woah!") to create a sweet & sour turkey burger!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Now I Know How to Save a Life!

"Hey Gus, how's the chicken?"

"Too tough -- they undercooked it again! Got my dentures stuck in it!"

"Oh man! But you seem like you're in a good mood today!"

"I am! I was thinking back to...well, Zeke, you're a good friend and since I'm in the twilight of my years, I think I'll open up to you a bit. Don't tell Mary, though -- you know how she likes to gossip."

"Oh man -- the clutches of chatter!"

"Heh! Well, years ago I was feeling pretty low. I hated my job, I didn't have any friends, didn't like where I lived, was really unhealthy -- the whole thing was just cumulatively awful. I didn't, you know, see the point."

"Really? I had no idea!"

"Yup. But then one day I was at Seven-Eleven, looking at what microwavable sandwiches they had for lunch, and a vision appeared to me. It was a man, one who obviousy pumped and jumped. He was about 5'11" and had a friendly expression on his face. He said "you know, a recent study reported in the American Journal of Psychiatry shows that no matter how much of a miserable loser you are in your middle age, you still have a great chance at a contented retirement!" I said, "really, so I should gut it out?" And this man -- he wasn't so much a man, but a benevolent spirit obviously channeling the energies of those who follow him and blog his lunch -- said "Yes! And in the meantime, you should be true to yourself, and if you are true to yourself, find out what kind of self you have." "Wow!" I said. "What kind of self do you think I have?" And he said "I don't know, but I have a hungry self, and I'm about to be true to it, with carrots, an apple, an organge and 3 supreme tamales from Woodman's Market." So I blew off the 7-11 and went to a nearby taco and burrito place and it was even better! But I didn't write down the strange code that appeared before my eyes -- http://www.m something -- and I was unhappy from that time until the day I retired."

"That's quite a story Gus! Say, are you going to eat that cookie?"


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Meet the Editors!

Monzyummylunch hits the road! That's right, the myl staff, under the direction of the Political Editor (PE), will be making a rare appearance in our nation's capital on Sunday, April 30th for the Rally to Save Darfur. Here's your chance to say hello to the editors (who will spring for one of the past Monz "the usual"'s!) and support a great cause. Of course, having traveled with the PE in the past we are a bit concerned about logistics. "Are you sure the Metra goes to Dulles? How late is that last flight back to Chicago?" But faith assures us things will work out.

Such a momentous occasion deserves a special lunch, and Monz delivers! A trip out into "the hot global warming sun" to the Genessee Restaurant for a chicken burrito, which comes iwth fries, rice and refried beans. The burrito was great, the rest was not.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Life's Little Disappointments!

Monz: "I'm very angry."
MYL: "Why?"
Monz: "I can't get Google Earth to do what I want it to do."
MYL: "What's that?"
Monz: "Find a location based on lattitude and longitude that i type in."
MYL: "What's lunch?
Monz: "Ditto! [pause] Ha-ha Ha-ha-ha! Take that sucker!"
MYL: "Woah - why so hostile?"
Monz: "Hey, I'm the one who has to eat it!"
MYL: "Yeah, but we're the ones who have to blog it!"

Monday, April 10, 2006


In honor of it being the week before Easter, we cooked up some glazed Ham last night for dinner. But even better . . . I made glazed Ham sandwiches, with whole grain mustard, sharp cheddar cheese and whole grain bread. Yum! I made Mrs Monz' lunch today. I added an apple and an orange and carrots to mine, and orange, carrots and yogurt to hers.

I don't have much to add except -- what is up with Courtney Love selling her interest in Nirvana? WTF? Is she doing it because she thinks she is spiting the other two? Or is she just shortsighted? Does she want to make sure Kurt's daughter has nothing from her father's career and work when she is an adult? If it was too much for her to manage, she could have hired someone to manage it for her until her daughter grew up. It just pisses me off.

Friday, April 07, 2006

You Know It!

It's Chinese Food Friday, but that's all that was typical of Monz' lunch today. No parking at the place (he didn't say what place, he was so shocked!). Moo Shoo Pork and Pork Fried Rice, but what's this? Square, thinner pancakes? Not up to the task, so it's a good thing Monz is stocked with Chinette. Our judgment call: not yummy enough for the big "a la carte" bucks this feast cost (or, to quote a played-out playa, you could call Monz "Aaron Burr" from the way he's droppig Hamiltons!).

And that's not all Monz is dropping: the editors will be away on assignment Monday, so Monz has gallantly offered to fill-in.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

You Can't Handler the Truth!

Every so often the editors receive an e-mail accusing us of being sheep, mindlessly following the path the Monz lays out without ever daring to question it. Last night's episode of Lost provides an example of why this is not so. The show featured Evan Handler as a special guest star (playing Hurley's imaginary (?) friend from the mental hospital). The editors think Handler is an underapreciated national treasure, one of the finest and most versitile actors of our time. And Monz? Let's just say he doesn't and leave it at that!

But there's no arguing about Monz lunch plans: as today he had the Waukegan usual (with the addition of sweet peppers), next week he plans to go back to the Genessee Restaurant, which was having their new sign put up today (replacing the Poppy's sign). Can you say burrito?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Better Late Than Never!

Remember when the Music Editor gave Monz his anual mix cd? Here were some of Monz' comments on the tunes:

"Mixed feelings -- enjoyed the vinylness of the recording."
"It's ok" (this was concerning the ME's favorite song of the year)
"I don't think anything about it except I hope I don't have to listen to it again."
"Don't understand -- are kids supposed to like it?"
"I laughed at its funny Beach Boysiness"
"You should have omitted s**** tunes"
"Liked it...kinda liked it."
"Destroy the momentum, a black hole of a song."
"Shockingly good, but you shouldn't have gone to so much effort."
"Well, I appreciated the song's sentiment, but..."
"I like Sabbath!" (this song was not Black Sabbath)
"First of all, go home. Second of all, go **** ********"
"Trying to be like the Crandberries. Trying."

As you can see, Monz is hard to please! But he was pleased by today's lunch: buffalo turkey/corned beef on potato bread with difference-making unground mustard, a stick of string cheese, carrots and apple!.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Back to the Basic-s!

10 INPUT "What is your name?: "; U$
20 PRINT "Hello "; U$
30 PRINT "Today Monz' lunch is: "
10 PRINT "Carrots"
20 PRINT "Apple"
30 PRINT "and yesterday's abandoned sandwich"
40 PRINT "(corned beef and turkey on potato bread w/ holegrain mustard)"
50 PRINT "Yummy!"
60 GOTO 50

Monday, April 03, 2006

Where Livebloggers Fear to Tread!

Phone rings at the myl offices.

"Ok, I have lots of stories for the editors! I had a turkey harvest sandwich from the csc, no wrap. it was ok had too much mayo, uch, mayo! ummm..(aside) hmm. That's it for lunch. Now I've gotta tell you a story about this weekend. So, we go to spin class at 6:45 Saturday morning. This is not for the blog, obviously! (Why not?) Because, that's why not. So my wife is much more sociable at that hour than I am. (You know, I'm a lot more sociable at 6:45.) Where are you? (In the apartment, I'm just more sociable). With your Furby(tm)?"

At this point there were problems with Monz' transmission.

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